Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

Well that's why you think the way you do. It's through deprivation. The fact you are autistic means you're less inclined to see this as the problem it likely is, and more likely to think your way is right and normal and more people should be like you. Ie: more people should be raised in a cold, unwelcoming family so they continue this cycle in future generations.

This is Horrible she’s a child both my DH brother and sister had step -daughters when we got married and while they were not invited to be bridesmaids they were invited to the wedding as guests and also both giving little side jobs to make them feel slightly more involved as their 1/2 sisters where bridesmaid!

just to add I would have had them as bridesmaid but I already had 8 and it was getting ridiculous

To exclude just one child is nasty and unnecessary. Totally feel for you

He’s the one who should be questioning his relationship.

It’s not as if your daughter has been in your dh’s life for five minutes, but since the age of three! So been brought up by him, as well as her dad.

I hope the chat goes well and she gets included.

It depends on the relationships, really. If your family see BIL and his fiancee as a family of 5, it's petty to leave your eldest out. If he knows your younger two but doesn't know your daughter because she's at her father's when you meet up, I can see how they'd think it ok not to invite her; she's got somewhere else to be.

What are they like as people? Is it likely just thoughtlessness? Let's face it, weddings are very boring when you're 12 so they might have assumed she wouldn't want to come and they don't know her much.

Hold on. Because we haven’t invited my brother’s stepchild who mg partner has never met my partner should be questioning his relationship with me?

why?

I think relationships, invites etc where steps are involved and what is reasonable depends on age and length of relationship.

FIL has been married a few times! The last 2 wives had children from previous relationships. They were either adults or nearly adults. They didn't live near us and we never met the DC of the ex wife. We have met the adult DC of the current wife but not very often. DH doesn't see them as family and I am sure they don't see DH as a step sibling. We would never invite them to anything and they wouldn't invite us or our DC to anything, and nobody minds.

But in this instance the little girl has been in the family's life for 9 years and so was only about 3 when they would have first known her. She now has 2 siblings within this family unit. I would expect a much closer relationship with DH's family, and I would assume she would be invited to the wedding.

Because your attitude to family and particularly, his children, is somewhere between sad and scary.

But she’s not his child. She’s his wife’s child. Who I never see?

@ I’ve not been in your situation. I think if I was I would expect my husband to be saying ‘it’s all of us or none of us. Your choice.’ Anything other is enabling horrible behaviour and I would have no part in it.

But does he live with his partner and the child as a family unit? It sounds like you don't see them much at all. It's quite different to the OP where they have invited 2/3 children who live in the household together.

Either way, your attitude to extended family will likely be turned on him and his network at some point.

But she’s only in his house half the time and she never comes to our family events?

And I said I was out but I keep getting quoted.

I think that's not a close analogy. OP is invited to this wedding as part of the family. In like case I'd expect my 12 year-old DD invited also. My DS invited his (adult) step-DB and his DP to both christenings of his DC and to his wedding. This seems normal. No DC of anyone were invited btw.
However, I would not expect to be invited to a wedding in my ex-H's family, though my DC might be (have been) invited. Nor would ex-H's family invite my DC's step-brothers or sisters - they don't know them.
The point I am making is that this is a wedding in OP's DH's family and OP is a member of that family so her DC should be invited esp. as the other two DC (her DD's brother and sister) are invited. I wouldn't go in this scenario, nor would my other DD be a bridesmaid.

On my partner? No his children and family are joined to us as a couple by virtue of our upcoming marriage. But I’m well aware that if we get divorced in the future I’ll never see them again. Been there done that got the t-shirt.

No one can truly expect that you love your siblings step child who you’ve met once the same as the niece you see once a fortnight. That’s unrealistic.

I think it's good your DH will speak to his brother and ask that all members of his household are invited to the wedding where he will be best man. I don't think you can insist that all members of DH's family regard her as a neice/grandchild/cousin but it's just kinder to think of reasons to include a child, rather than exclude.

That's awful OP I wouldn't want any of us to go to BIL's wedding if it was me in that position. You have the whole family or none of them at all. I'd be asking DH to have words with them about it, it's not right.

Do you think that getting your OH to go begging to his family for an invite for a child who is not part of the family getting married is going to somehow make them related?

You'll just make her more disliked as you are making her a problem.
They don't want her there or they would have invited her.

You can only control the amount of step family that you have sex with.
Nobody else has to pretend your child with a different father is part of their family.

It’s totally different. This is her stepdad. Her dad isn’t her siblings’ stepdad. It’s saying VERY clearly that she’s not part of her stepdad’s family.

OP, I wouldn’t go. Please stand up for your DD. I’d say sorry but daughter’s dad is away and I can’t leave her. Let your partner deal with the kids while being a best man and see how they all like it.

its so weird not to invite all the children of a household/couple. i don't get the thinking seems unnecessarily unkind

This makes no sense...

You are married to your husband, have clearly been together sometime and have children together. The fact you have an older child, who is not your husband's biological child, is irrelevant. You are a family unit, regardless if your husband is the biological Dad to all the children or not. Your elder daughter lives over 50% of the time with you, therefore she lives with your husband too. If your elder daughter hasn't been invited to the wedding simply because she's not your husband's biological child, that's mean. I'm not saying your daughter should have been bridesmaid too, but she should be included as a guest, because she's part of your husband's family unit. Is your daughter aware that she's not been invited? If so, does she actually want to attend? Even if she's not aware, would she want to go? I agree with your husband, if he says something to his brother, your daughter has to attend. I am glad your husband is advocating for your daughter though - as he should do, but many wouldn't have wanted to 'rock the boat'.

We get these sort of threads regularly, the most memorable being whether the step cousins should/should not (take your pick) have been invited to Alton Towers. It all gets slightly ridiculous.

Yanbu
I'm currently trying to plan a guest list myself for my own wedding and it's a bit of a nightmare but there's certain people you think, well if I invite them I have to invite X, and I think if I was inviting your family I wouldn't be able to exclude one of your children. It's as simple as that.