Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

OP has said that the groom knows the daughter, so why does it matter whether the bride knows her?

There wouldn't be any conflict between the married couple unless the husband is disloyal or a wimp who can't stand up to his family.

Most men? Nah. Let's pick the bar up off the floor. Really cannot see any decent man choosing his brother - who has arbitrarily decided to exclude this girl, and could have easily just chosen to include her instead - over and above a child he's been raising for many years and his family unit with his wife and his children who are the child's half siblings.

But it’s the grooms family, so why does the bride get sll
the say?

It’s different. Dd lives in the house with OP’s husband. Op is part of family and her dependant dd should be shown that grace. She is just a 12 year old child. It’s horrible to be shown you are not part of this group, our family.

Whereas OP’s other kids have no connection to her ex and don’t live with and don’t ever see his family.

Reading all this makes me so upset. People can be so heartless to a child but you are her mother and won’t be wrong to not go to this wedding. Let them celebrate with all their blood relatives.

Your DH can say to his BIL, “We appreciate it is your wedding and you can invite who you like, but we are very upset that X has been excluded while her siblings have been invited. This leaves us in a difficult position as it does not feel right to attend and exclude just one of our children.’

Yeah it’s not a good look to exclude just one child. It’s tricky though as step family relations often are. Are your inlaws close with your eldest? Both my parents remarried spouses with children from previous relationships, it was quite difficult to integrate into either extended stepfamily as I was 50/50 custody. Basically you can’t control how others define “family”.

Hopefully your husband is able to help BIL see his error but honestly I wouldn’t view him in the same light again even if he does extend her an invitation. If he is unwilling then I would decline the invitation and take your daughter off for a lovely girls weekend while your husband takes her siblings to the wedding. It doesn’t need to be a drama but I would be detaching yourself emotionally from the in-laws, they are not your family, protect your own.

How can adults be so cruel to a child. Please do.not go and that will teach them.
They ought to be named and shamed if this is real.

Someone said I was avoiding the question about how often my daughter sees my Brother-in-law. He has known her longer than he has known my younger children and sees her as often as he sees the younger ones and his sister’s sons.

Well in that case you are right to be upset. Very strange that they would exclude her.

It's very normal. She won't care. I used to have a separate life with my dad than I had with my mum. Kids know this she won't be bothered by it unless you make this a thing . She doesn't live with her step dad full time , he hasn't brought her up , you are honestly projecting it would have been nice for her to be invited , but she isn't and that's it. Your DHs children are. You see the difference?

Well explained.

Why people KEEP using this line of "reasoning" is beyond me. Makes no sense at all.

I can’t believe that over 80% of people supported me. I thought people would be less sympathetic to me than the all too many threads on the same subject because my daughter has a fully involved father.

Now you need to be really glad you don’t know me in real life because I am now even more upset that people agree with me.

My husband was going to ask for an invitation and at the last minute I changed my mind I just told him to say I wouldn’t be there as I needed to be with my eldest. All BiL said was couldn’t her father have her. My husband did say to him that he was shocked that they hadn’t invited her though and the response was they couldn’t invite everyone.

At the weekend she had been sitting helping younger one with a sticker book of brides and bridesmaids that was in the box that sister-in-law sent.

I am going to speak with my ex and I hope that he can take her so she never finds out she isn’t invited.

I am most definitely not going under any circumstances no matter what, even if they send an invitation in a gold box.

What I will do though is sort the dress out for my younger daughter. There is no way I would let her down like that.

I genuinely appreciate people posting as I was at a low ebb. I guess weddings put us in our place don’t they?

What a horrible response from your BiL. I can only assume he is thick and insensitive. For what it’s worth I think he should know the real reason you’re not going.

Could you have the weekend away the two of you? Then she misses most of the wedding prep.

BIL’s response is just awful, and child in a family isn’t inviting everyone! I think it would also be good for you not to be around, your going to find this really upsetting when it happens.

As difficult as it is OP, I’d try not to take it to heart.

Weddings are very stressful to organise I would have had far less empathy for BIL before I organised a wedding. There’s a lot going on with various family relationship and friend groups etc.

Looking back at my own wedding I can’t believe some of the money I spent etc. It can grow legs.

Id say bro in law is thinking about numbers etc. He is aware that you share custody and didnt think it would be a big deal for your DD to be with her dad.

Obviously he sees your DD as different to her siblings and not his niece as such. The important thing is that she has a good relationship with her dad and your DH. This is just a bump in the road, try not to get too down about it.

We have a very strict rule to this , we go to events as a family , of one is not invited then nobody goes .

Crazyworldmum I know you’re on my side

but …,

and how would we explain this to my younger daughter?

The same way I explain to you now .
We are a family , we support each other and we are loyal to each other . You cannot go to uncle ££££ wedding because would be unfair to some of us. In my case this wouldn’t be a issue as DH would not go either I’m sure . And if he wanted to go he would go alone

I am most definitely not going under any circumstances no matter what, even if they send an invitation in a gold box.

This is absolutely the right decision. Well done, OP.

Oof. Ok, well now you know. He doesn't have to see her as family the same as his brother's children, but personally I'd have extended the wedding invitation as the easiest option all round.

I agree it's a good idea to see if DDs dad can have her. Hopefully they can do something fun. You'll also need to think about how to manage this knowledge going forward, since it's up to him how he feels about family and it's clear neither you nor DH are up for an invite us all or none of us come approach. Which is to your credit.

Crazyworldmum

I think this would be very unfair to my younger daughter especially with her being a bridesmaid.

I am very sad.

I wouldn’t prevent the younger daughter from going because whilst it’s unfair to your older daughter, younger daughter still needs to have a relationship with her family from her fathers side as your older daughter does on her side.

The fact they made her a bridesmaid means they have a close relationship with her, unfortunately as sad as it is they don’t really have an obligation to your older daughter. It would be nice to accept her and I would if it was me but we can’t force everyone to do so.

I’m with you in that I wouldn’t go to support your older daughter but be careful about cutting younger daughter off from her uncles and cousins etc in revenge, as I said in my earlier post this is one of the complications that comes with blended families.

You are definitely right to be upset, I would too and hopefully your ex can take her if not try to organize an outing for you and her.

And things like this can also cause rifts between your daughters later if one feels like she has been prevented from having relationships with her family to support her sister.

I grew up in a blended family and I can assure you that there is no perfect solution that creates a perfectly blended family with no differences or cracks.

I’m so sad for your daughter. I was that elder half sister who was left out of a wedding for the same reason, because I was the ‘step’ child and thus expendable. At the time it was pretty devastating really, and I was bewildered and hurt to feel that I was viewed as less important than my siblings to that side of what I viewed very much as my family.

I do wonder whether your husband would feel up to going back and saying that actually, she is part of his family and having one of his family left out is so upsetting? But it would really have to come from him, and be his decision. But I do think it is worth him approaching his brother again. His brother really might not have clocked how damaging it could be.

Feeling for you and your daughter.

I think you have done the right thing.