Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

Ive met people who make their kids refer to their siblings as "half" or even "step" when they only share one parent and it is their co-parent's child. I wonder if there is an overlap here with who would invite the SD and who wouldn't.

I was wondering whether there was an overlap with those who think “no ring, no bring” is perfectly acceptable, even when people have been living together for years

I call my sibling my sibling not half. If he had a step child I’d never or barely met I can’t say they would register on my must make sure to invite list.

Would be more like better put down brother and his partner. If I remembered the kid I’d never or barely met I’d likely assume they would be at their dads at the weekend or could go to their dads since I didn’t know them and they didn’t know me.

Now if my brother was a really active step dad and had been bringing his step child round all the time and thus I’d know them and have a relationship with them, then I’d hope they were free on the day of my wedding and be invited.

Id remember his children because well you remember your sibling becoming a parent it’s a big deal. Not so much hey meet Martha, this is my new partner. Oh yeah she has a daughter too but she’s at her dad’s.

These threads invariably turn into lengthy discussions about whether the behaviour is morally acceptable or not. Which is seldom much use to an OP in this position.

Because the ultimate issue is the other partner's family not viewing the stepchild in the same way as they view their relative's child. It may be possible to enforce an invitation on equal terms, but that's the short term fix. What women in this position actually need is to think about how they're going to cope with this situation going forward, and berating people into feeling the way they want them to feel is not one of the options. Our OP here has even identified most of that herself, as she's said it's about more than the invitation.

I am a great believer of dishing out consequences for people who behave badly.

My first thoughts would be to tell DH that he’s going alone. If you don’t want to stop your DC being a bridesmaid, then send them along with your DH, but don’t you go.

I’d tell my DH that from now on, all his brother’s/ SIL’s affairs are for him to deal with. No wifey work whatsoever. I’d totally drop the rope and just fade them out of my life.

Not acknowledging your DD is also a snub to you. I’d take a massive step back.

Some families live like the Waltons, some don't. Neither is wrong.

I think it all depends. I have a step nephew (if you will) who has been in our lives since he was 4 and is now a teenager. I see him all the time.

All family dynamics are different which is why people need to read the information in the op and not have sweeping generalisations about step children. In this specific case I think op's in laws are being really horrible.

I assume that there will be many other guests who are not 'part of the family', including the plus ones of friends that the bride and groom might not have even met before.

It's rude and unkind to leave out just one member of the household, particularly when it is a child. Depending on when the wedding is held, if OP's daughter can't go to her dad's, OP may need to decline the invitation to look after her daughter. She may want to decline the invitation anyway, as she probably wouldn't enjoy the wedding of someone who has deliberately excluded her elder daughter.

Not the same not the same not the same not the same not the same . Not the same.

Well this is all very confusing, as blended-family loyalties often are. I speak from experience.

But we're missing context. If I understood OP's last post correctly, DH/stepdad has agreed to ask his brother if he'll invite DD to the wedding - but only if DD isn't doing anything with her own dad that weekend, otherwise he'll 'look like a dick'.

Er, what?! Sorting dates out is basic family organisation, and even more important in blended families, where kids are constantly being shuttled between houses, two or more sets of extended family, holidays etc.

So has all this blown up from a simple lack of planning? Why could it even be a risk that she's with her dad that weekend - surely that's something you'd check with your ex first, OP?

Sorry if I've misunderstood. But it's hard on a kid to have more than one family, and the least parents can do is stay on top of boring things like diary planning so they don't miss out.

The op has been asked many times how often the bil and bride see the child and she hasn't answered.

I suspect that the answer to this question would explain why the child wasn't invited

I get that it's upsetting and I would be too, I don't agree with it but the same way the other threads you referenced went, your DH cannot force his family to accept her South just need to accept it and move on.

The good thing is that he has been in her life and accept her and she still has her father, he can to force his brother to invite her and I wouldn't push him to cut off his family because that create bigger issues and then your other kids are also cut off from that side of their family meanwhile your daughter still has her father's side.

Unfortunately that's one of the risks with blended families, focus on what you can control.

There was a recent thread here were a grandmother wasn't invited to her grandsons wedding and many people argued that he had a right to invite whoever he wants, I disagree but that seems to be the selfish individualistic path we are going down as a society.

People pull this out all the time on these threads as a "gotcha", but it makes no sense.

I wouldn’t do any of that unless you want to put pressure on your marriage.

It’s an assumption to assume that a man can’t communicate with his own brother without “wifey work”. My husband communicates with not only his brother but all his siblings without any input from me, why would he need it? They were a family long before I appeared on the scene.

If you really want your daughter to go all you can do is you or DH ask nicely. You can’t force people to behave how you think they should unfortunately.

Others will disagree but neither myself nor my other children would be going where one of their siblings was not invited. Different perhaps if they were adults, but absolutely not as children who all live together under one roof. And before anyone says "it's their dad's decision too", my husband is a loyal and caring man with principles. He would be in complete agreement and would not be acting as best man in these circumstances. I imagine he'd probably attend alone as a guest or just send a card and gift and not bother attending at all if his brother did something so exclusionary and hurtful.

I am a step-parent and I think this is really rude. If a child lives primarily in your household then they should 100% be invited to a wedding with everyone else.

I think it's different if the child lives primarily with their other parent, but if the child lives mainly with you and thus most times you see the people getting married all of the children will be with you then it's just mean. They should have at least asked you if she'd be around/would she want to come.

Putting pressure on the marriage? Only if the husband is a wet blanket or lacks any sense of loyalty to his wife and kids.

I think you would benefit from sketching out a little family tree. It might help you to understand why this comparison is silly.

I would not attend.

Your husband can take the 2 kids and do all the necessary preparations, look after at the wedding etc etc.
I'd stay home, or go away perhaps with DD

Of course conflict puts pressure on a marriage.

Why not just try to solve it simply? “Dear bro, SD would like to join us..”

Wet blanket could go both ways there. As could loyalty.

He could be deemed a wet blanket rolling over to wifey and disloyal to his brother as best man over his wife’s child.

Just as you would deem him a wet blanket and not loyal to his wife in the situation where he didn’t stand up for his step daughter.

Who’s more important to him. His brother or step daughter. Mostly likely his brother. What’s more important to him, his brother over his wife or when you get to the nitty gritty with most men. His brother or sex. Because as seen and agreed on by lots of posters on here men only tend to care about the children of the person they get to have sex with. Biological children or not.

I wouldn’t go.my ds has always been treated the same as my other ds by his step family.i this would really upset me and i would make a point of telling people why you’re not going.I am sorry for you and your daughter x

may the step child never goes to the step dad's family visits i.e to this uncle's house as an example. that is possible

that last bit, sorry to break it to you but you know it already(you said narc), not everyone talks about your husband and who he is seeing and they buggage as much as you wish they did. CLEARLY, he is not the man who invented bread!
I hope you take it as I mean it and not as being rude.

Suggesting that the OP doesn’t allow her other children to go is horrible. Those children deserve to be involved in family occasions on their fathers side, just like their half sister is involved with her father side.