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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

232 replies

Ihavetoask · 04/09/2025 18:04

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 05/09/2025 16:29

QPZM · 05/09/2025 16:15

Then presumably you'd get off your arse and work for the money, rather than sit around with your hand out?

Seems unnecessary if someone is offering to pay for it.

Doesn’t sound like the DSD expected this from OP.

ThePure · 05/09/2025 16:32

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 15:35

Yes honestly she's always been like that. I think she gets it from her mum. She's actually taught me a lot in that sense. She's not unkind, but she won't hold herself back to please others.

I feel a lot of social pressure to conform and sometimes, I imagine that pressure because I am autistic and sort of overthink. Through her life, she has helped me work out when actually we do need to change what we are doing and when we don't more than my bio son has. Probably as I raised him so he makes the same assessment as me about a situation.

I am not in the slightest bit surprised that you are autistic from reading this thread. Lack of theory of mind has been evident.

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 17:05

Fayaway · 05/09/2025 16:02

I guess it would also depend on whether the cleaner is vetted and insured for the cleaning? OP suggested it's a deep clean every three weeks so, although some may welcome it, it's quite disruptive with carpet shampooing etc.

Deep clean doesnt mean carpet shampooing. I don't even think there is carpet.

OP posts:
Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 17:06

northernballer · 05/09/2025 16:05

Why is she not living with these friends who presumably she likes, instead of these housemates who it sounds like she doesn't?

Was where she wanted to live. I think she thinks they're alright.

OP posts:
Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 17:09

ThePure · 05/09/2025 16:32

I am not in the slightest bit surprised that you are autistic from reading this thread. Lack of theory of mind has been evident.

Whereas I think that perhaps I am safely shielded from some pressure to ensure nobody feels resentful or bitter about any good fortune I have.

OP posts:
Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:04

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 17:06

Was where she wanted to live. I think she thinks they're alright.

Not sure whether they now think the same of her sadly

I mean to actually go over their head to the LL…. All to avoid getting stuck in with a bit of cleaning, that really is something!

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:05

The don’t want a cleaner because they probably have weed lying about!

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:06

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:04

Not sure whether they now think the same of her sadly

I mean to actually go over their head to the LL…. All to avoid getting stuck in with a bit of cleaning, that really is something!

Yes but that shows more about their inability to deal with jealousy than anything else so it likely won't matter to her. She would want friends who arent plagued with bitterness

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 05/09/2025 18:06

”She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who aren’t family”

Your SD entered a house share arrangement that requires consensus - if you want to live in a peaceful home you are respectful of everyone’s wishes. Much like a family: sometimes in families the wishes of the majority prevail.

The boyfriend who lives there rent free should also be cleaning his share - it should be split by him too.

You ask if “we” are unreasonable? Who is “we”? Is that you and your family with SD versus other people whose actual home it is?

There is no reason at all why your SD cannot clean - if you’re generous enough to pay for a cleaner then she could clean and save the money you give her.

The issue was then raised to the LL, making other people who live their likely uncomfortable and hassled. Because your SD won’t clean her share of the house. This is not a smart way to approach a problem and it is not “a hill to die on” or make a point of principle. It is rigid and disregarding of her housemates who probably have other ways to spend their time.

Is this her last year of Uni, can she not move next year with people who suit her more? Has she just moved in and this has started so early in the year? It’s so much hassle for a student who could simply do her share of her own cleaning. I don’t know why you are so invested in her point of view.

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:07

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:05

The don’t want a cleaner because they probably have weed lying about!

You know cleaners dont give a crap about that type of thing and most smokers just keep their stuff in a box or something. You sound like you're in Byker Grove.

OP posts:
Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:08

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:06

Yes but that shows more about their inability to deal with jealousy than anything else so it likely won't matter to her. She would want friends who arent plagued with bitterness

Well she’s going to be living with these two for the next year so here’s hoping!

OP, this has not all sorted to a resolution that you find satisfactory.

You have spent the last day posting long and detailed posts about your step daughter’s situation which transpires has been resolved in the way you very much wanted it to be.

I think maybe just rest up now

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:10

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:07

You know cleaners dont give a crap about that type of thing and most smokers just keep their stuff in a box or something. You sound like you're in Byker Grove.

cleaners aren’t one homogenous group of people
of course some will have an issue with drug paraphernalia
many on mumsnet are vehemently against weed

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:10

ThePure · 05/09/2025 16:32

I am not in the slightest bit surprised that you are autistic from reading this thread. Lack of theory of mind has been evident.

Me neither.

It is strikingly apparent

InterIgnis · 05/09/2025 18:14

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:05

The don’t want a cleaner because they probably have weed lying about!

Episode 2 Whatever GIF

You mean stuff that shouldn’t be littering the common areas in the first place?

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:14

InterIgnis · 05/09/2025 18:14

You mean stuff that shouldn’t be littering the common areas in the first place?

Absolutely
But they’re 18/19… I think we can let them off the hook

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:14

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:08

Well she’s going to be living with these two for the next year so here’s hoping!

OP, this has not all sorted to a resolution that you find satisfactory.

You have spent the last day posting long and detailed posts about your step daughter’s situation which transpires has been resolved in the way you very much wanted it to be.

I think maybe just rest up now

It has. The resolution is that the LL said its fine. They dont get any say

OP posts:
Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:15

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:10

cleaners aren’t one homogenous group of people
of course some will have an issue with drug paraphernalia
many on mumsnet are vehemently against weed

So what do you think they can do other than refuse to clean the house? Call the FBI?

OP posts:
Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:17

whistlesandbells · 05/09/2025 18:06

”She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who aren’t family”

Your SD entered a house share arrangement that requires consensus - if you want to live in a peaceful home you are respectful of everyone’s wishes. Much like a family: sometimes in families the wishes of the majority prevail.

The boyfriend who lives there rent free should also be cleaning his share - it should be split by him too.

You ask if “we” are unreasonable? Who is “we”? Is that you and your family with SD versus other people whose actual home it is?

There is no reason at all why your SD cannot clean - if you’re generous enough to pay for a cleaner then she could clean and save the money you give her.

The issue was then raised to the LL, making other people who live their likely uncomfortable and hassled. Because your SD won’t clean her share of the house. This is not a smart way to approach a problem and it is not “a hill to die on” or make a point of principle. It is rigid and disregarding of her housemates who probably have other ways to spend their time.

Is this her last year of Uni, can she not move next year with people who suit her more? Has she just moved in and this has started so early in the year? It’s so much hassle for a student who could simply do her share of her own cleaning. I don’t know why you are so invested in her point of view.

There is no reason at all why your SD cannot clean - if you’re generous enough to pay for a cleaner then she could clean and save the money you give her.

Why?

It seems like the other housemates just want her to "suffer" the same as they do. Can you think of a good reason why she should when she could free up time and energy by me paying this for her?

OP posts:
WalkDontWalk · 05/09/2025 18:18

QPZM · 05/09/2025 16:15

Then presumably you'd get off your arse and work for the money, rather than sit around with your hand out?

I think it’s fine to set examples for policy - ‘chuck money at problems’ -separately from setting examples for behaviour - ‘earn money’.

Not that that applies in this case, as what’s being offered is a gift.

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:19

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:10

Me neither.

It is strikingly apparent

Why because I won't agree that my DSD should let her housemates dictate how she manages her workload?

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 05/09/2025 18:23

whistlesandbells · 05/09/2025 18:06

”She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who aren’t family”

Your SD entered a house share arrangement that requires consensus - if you want to live in a peaceful home you are respectful of everyone’s wishes. Much like a family: sometimes in families the wishes of the majority prevail.

The boyfriend who lives there rent free should also be cleaning his share - it should be split by him too.

You ask if “we” are unreasonable? Who is “we”? Is that you and your family with SD versus other people whose actual home it is?

There is no reason at all why your SD cannot clean - if you’re generous enough to pay for a cleaner then she could clean and save the money you give her.

The issue was then raised to the LL, making other people who live their likely uncomfortable and hassled. Because your SD won’t clean her share of the house. This is not a smart way to approach a problem and it is not “a hill to die on” or make a point of principle. It is rigid and disregarding of her housemates who probably have other ways to spend their time.

Is this her last year of Uni, can she not move next year with people who suit her more? Has she just moved in and this has started so early in the year? It’s so much hassle for a student who could simply do her share of her own cleaning. I don’t know why you are so invested in her point of view.

Majority doesn’t always rule, and it doesn’t in this case.

Why shouldn’t it be a point of principle? The roommates are the ones that chose to make this an issue in the first place. It didn’t and doesn’t need to take up any of their time at all. If they now feel uncomfortable because the DSD didn’t just roll over and do what they wanted then that’s on them.

OP’s DSD is fine to continue having the cleaner, has secured her place in the flat next year and is fine not being friends with these people. Where’s the hassle exactly?

InterIgnis · 05/09/2025 18:25

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:14

Absolutely
But they’re 18/19… I think we can let them off the hook

Well then, if that’s the case then they can use the presence of cleaner as helpful motivation to keep it in their own rooms.

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:28

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:19

Why because I won't agree that my DSD should let her housemates dictate how she manages her workload?

Ok we can go with that if you like 🤷‍♀️

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:29

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:14

It has. The resolution is that the LL said its fine. They dont get any say

Yes op
so you have got your way
so… rest up?

Aquickturn · 05/09/2025 18:30

Ihavetoask · 05/09/2025 18:15

So what do you think they can do other than refuse to clean the house? Call the FBI?

Are you in the US?