DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

She's got plenty of friends. Your friends arent people who control you. She's compromised by the cleaner not being there alone. Say she employed a home chef to meal plan and cook her meals, do you think the housemates could complain that she must prep and cook her own food like they do?

Has the LL been informed that they have an dxtra person 50% of the time?
I would nog be happy about that.

Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space.

so you and her father actually thought the other tenants were reasonable but your dd dug her heels in?

no matter how this particular issue is resolved, quite clearly the other tenants and your step daughter aren’t best buds. And that’s going to make the next year tricky… for your step daughter

Yes about the cleaner coming in when DSD wasn't there. We said it was reasonable for her only to come when DSD was in the house.

Why?

Are these people her friends or just housemates she got put with?

If they're her friends then I don't think they will be for much longer if she rides roughshod over their wishes. If she's OK with that and them basically thinking she's a princess who won't get her hands dirty then fair enough. You also run the risk of the housemates doing half a job on their turn and the cleaner picking up the slack!

They are uni students
they drop in and out all day

This isn’t a normal uni disagreement

they have actually gone to the LL about it. They are basically in a stalemate situation.

Trust me…. The atmosphere won’t be pleasant.

That will be on the housemates who have a problem with DSD doing something that they'd prefer she didnt. That's not an acceptable way to behave. You can't bully people into doing what you want by trying to make their life miserable.

They said they didn't like the idea of the cleaner being there alone. So DSD has ensured the cleaner isn't there alone.

I don't know tbh

It does hinge on if they are a group of friends or just housemates. If just randomers who share a house then indeed why would it matter. If they are your friends then I think it’s really odd to have such a huge and unusual privilege for a uni student and keep it all to yourself
A nicer way to present it would be: my family have offered to pay for a professional clean once a month. Let’s add that into the rotation and we can all clean less often. That would be the friendly thing to do I think to share the benefit.

My mates I shared a flat with back then are still my good friends to this day

Good grief. Disagreement is not bullying.

There isn't really any point in saying anything else as you seem determined you are in the right and she (unfairly imho) gets out of doing her fair share of the chores in a shared household. Which is not the message i would give to my own dd. You need to rub along with people in the right way. They are already objecting, but you think their wishes about what goes on in their own home is not as important and yours and SD. And it's for them to sort about the bf. It's no wonder some kids today get so helpless.

They can’t obviously stop her doing as she pleases but they could stop being friends with her or wanting to live with her. That might be a natural outcome of realising that it’s every woman for themselves and they have little in common.

I don't think she has kept it to herself. For instance, she could pay someone to clean her room and do her laundry but neither of us suggested that. We are getting a cleaner to do all of the communal areas that everyone benefits from.

She pays someone to do her fair share. Why is that unfair? Can you break it down and say exactly what isn't fair about it? I compared it to a chef coming to prep and cook her meals. Would the housemates be able to insist that she does all her own cooking like they do?

People kept saying how terrible her life could be if she doesn't appease their wishes. I can only imagine that if they go out of their way to make her life miserable in the house. That would be bullying.

although the cleaner is cleaning communal areas they would only do it instead of DSD not as an extra in the rotation so it is more to her benefit than others and sets her apart from the others rather than being a nice thing for everyone.

I would not want to be in a uni flat share with someone who had a private chef either! I would not feel myself to have anything in common with someone who, from such a young age, was so privileged that they got other people to do their ordinary life stuff for them.

I would not be mean to them or stop them doing it but I would not wish to carry on sharing with someone who isn’t really sharing or having a similar experience to me. I’d just feel we’d have nothing in common.

I think you're getting way over-involved in the domestic arrangements of a group adults whose home you don't live in. She's not a child.

You are also setting up your DSD to be disliked by her housemates. She's gone against their clear wishes not to have a random person in the house and frankly, I think most students would think a housemate whose parents paid for a cleaner, (instead of telling her to grow up and clean the bathroom now and again like everyone else) was acting like a spoilt princess who thinks she's too good to scrub a loo now and again.

She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family

Sounds a bit precious. Her housemates all seem to manage it when it's their turn to clean up after her, so I can see why they're rolling their eyes at her hiring a cleaner to do her share.

Because it makes her look like she is too special and busy to get her hands dirty in the house. I'm sure she isn't but this is the impression I would take. Where is the life lesson in cracking on and getting on with stuff? Going to Uni is partly about learning to live in the real world. Like thepure said - if you absolutely insist on doing this, it would be better that the cleaner came once a month for a deep clean and everyone else gets a bit less to do.

I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

so this drama is all due to you, her step mum.

This girl is going to be talked about amongst the students.

There’s prob weed paraphernalia all over the place and they don’t want a bloomin cleaner tidying it away!!

I find this attitude bizarre, I must say. Why would you assume that someone that you perceive as having more money than you has nothing in common with you? You know outsourcing some of your workload IS adulting. It's just a way to not be a really miserable, burnt out adult. I did do this to lighten DSD's load and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

You made the suggestion to your step daughter

and now you have posted… 50x? At length, about how completely reasonable it is.

Stop making your young adult step daughter’s hard. If she “wins” this battle, trust me OP - she will be talked about as being an absolute princess. Just take a HUGE step back.