DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

Thats why I mentioned that she actually does clean up after herself. I'd never met a 9 year old that could wash up properly when we met. Her parents have done well, but she's a smashing person anyway.

Just replying to all people at once - guess if it’s legal, it’s legal. Is it fair when other people have said no who pay to live there and it wasn’t in their initial contract - probably not.

She does a HCP course so she does placements, study and she works in the hospital when shifts allow as an assistant.

Agree

Hmm. My dd has just left 2 years of a shared apartment and I can see why it would annoy the others. I would expect my dd to do her part and not pay for a cleaner in the first place though - as going to Uni and housesharing is part of growing up. It does them no favours to pay to make things go away. I would not be cleaning a bathroom I didn't use though - so i would maybe look at how the cleaning is split.

I was in the same position as your daughter at uni, my parents funded me. I tried not to rub in the fact that I could pay to get things done that my mates had to do themselves, because no-one is going to like someone who brags about their wealth.

I don't know your daughter's housemates, so I can't say for sure whether they actually don't trust the cleaner or whether they just don't like the fact that your daughter doesn't have to clean and they do. However it wouldn't surprise me if flaunting her wealth and showing that cleaning is beneath her has got their backs up.

Technically, there's possibility that there is nothing in the contract to say that any tenant has to have the agreement of all the others to allow someone in the house, so provided the cleaner isn't cleaning the other tenants' rooms, it may be fine, but assuming your daughter doesn't have a disability that makes cleaning hard, and that she wants a good relationship with her housemates, I would just get her to clean!

I think you need to step back and let her run her own life. If the other tenants aren't happy thats that. I say this as a Mum with 2 DC at Uni.

It's funny that people see outsourcing a service as flaunting wealth. DSD has means tested loans, top ups from her parents and also works. She obviously isn't that rich or they'd be paying her full tuition and keep. They aren't.

I just saw it as a way that I could personally contribute to her uni life and it would free her up a bit to work harder or play a bit.

They don’t have to be happy about it. They can’t prevent her hiring a cleaner for the common spaces.

Ok that's good. So just take a step back from it all! She seems capable and sensible.

I was just wondering what other people would think. She's quite single minded so the LL saying yes would have sorted it in her mind.

It might free her up a bit - but I can see how that might breed resentment. My tack has always been to be hands off, unless asked for help or advice, and let them sort things between themselves. Dd had no end of issues with a flatmate's pushy mother who wanted to reorganise all the charges and was determined her precious was paying too much towards the electricity bill.

I think the whole "she has to suffer like we are" thing is irrelevant and pathetic (frankly): they're housemates, not moral lode stars. But the house is communal. Everything (apart from bedrooms) has to be done communally. If the majority don't want a stranger in their space, one person can't override this.

If the majority are using the "stranger in our midst" argument spuriously, then that's the argument your DSD needs to have. If it's a legitimate complaint, it should be respected.

The boyfriend is a separate issue.

I houseshared once and once only in my life, for this very reason. House sharing with family is bad enough, but with strangers is absolutely ridiculous.

Yeah, your OP was fair enough. I just felt for you having to deal with the stress of a house you're not actually living in!

Thing is, she really doesnt care about the partner staying as she says theyre always together so the extra costs are negligible. Her dad and I think she's a bit naive on that but she will learn in time or she's actually right. Who knows? Maybe he doesnt use loo roll. We know about him separately from this and asked her if he will be taking a turn in the rotation.

So, what happens if the other 2 don't stick to the rota?
Let's say one of the housemates doesn't, and DD and the other housemate remind them of this, and that they are not doing their share.
The household could easily point out that DD isn't actually doing her share either, and is just getting her parents to pay for things. Or they could just say, "Ah don't worry, it doesn't matter if I miss my turn this week. I'm too busy/tired. The cleaner is coming next week anyway, and will sort it out for us then."

Your step daughter is so lucky! What a brilliant idea to help her out. I love it!

Her housemates are probably just jealous. So long as you are using a reputable cleaning company, they don’t have anything to object to.

But her share is getting done and not by any of the other housemates. I wouldn't be able to understand their argument.

As far as I know, it's a mum in her 40s and her son is a similar age to DSD. A solo cleaner I suppose.

You wouldn't need to understand their argument though. It's not your home, it's theirs.

Surely though you can see why someone (presumably an 18 year old) who gets NOTHING from their parents because their parents can't afford it, has all the loans and top-ups DD has, and still can't afford a cleaner, would be jealous that DD, who would experience the same negatives from cleaning as they do, doesn't have to clean?! It's not about DD being super rich, it's about there being money for DD not to need to clean, when they don't have a choice.

Sure but I am not sure how much we should pander to someone's jealousy or expect someone to pander to our own.

You asked what if this happened. I answered. I can't say if DSD would see their point.

They are all paying towards the communal spaces so if they don’t want a cleaner coming in IMO they have a right to veto that. It’s not like a visitor, a cleaner is getting into all the nooks and crannies of the flat and is there alone.

It’s just your assumption that they don’t want her doing that because they want to see her doing the cleaning. If that is the case I suspect that it’s because it says something about her attitude to the house generally. People behave differently if they know they’ll be doing the cleaning IMO as a former house sharer.

It wasn't me who asked. I was just trying to flag though that you seem overly involved in what's happening in someone else's home. The people who actually live there don't want this. It's very odd that neither you, nor their housemate/ DSD seem to be respecting that.