DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

What are they going to say? DSD says a cleaner to clean our communal areas and we hate it? She will probably have potential housemates queuing up to take their place!

It's interesting that several people think that trying to ostracise her from the social group will be the inevitable tactic employed by the other housemates. It's as if this is a known thing to do when someone won't do as they're told and not upset anyone.

If my daughter had come to me and said

“@Ihavetoask has suggested that dad pays for a cleaner to do my share of the cleaning at uni but x&y aren’t keen”

id have said “well love, you’re living with x&y and NOT @Ihavetoask so if they don’t want a cleaner in their home, you have to respect that.”

She cleans the bathroom all the time at home. We have no problems with her contributions or level of independence. Why would she need to prove to some fellow students that she is domesticated? And anyway, she does have to clean up after herself daily, too. They can see she can wash a plate and wipe off a table.

Yeah her mum would definitely not tell her to bow to x&y so as not to upset them. I can tell you that now 😂

Butt. Out.

She Is a young adult
You aren’t her mother
You have dedicated a quite inordinate time to arguing how these tenants should absolutely bow to your DSD.
It doesn’t matter why they don’t want a cleaner. Fact is, 2 of them and 1 of her do NOT want a cleaner in their home. The end.

Whereas you, her step mother, are encouraging her to dig heels in to avoid pulling on her marigolds, and create tension with her housemates.

It’s early September. It’s going to be a loooonnng year for your DSD

This has to be one of the most bizarre threads I can recall

Stepmum makes a suggestion

It goes down like a sack of shit with housemates

Step mum starts a mumsnet thread dedicating hours of time to passionately arguing why her suggestion is 100% correct and these housemates should accept her suggestion.

It doesn’t sound like an unreasonable plan at all, but falling out with uni housemates can be awful, and going against their wishes like this when she’s been outvoted is going to cause problems.

What are you talking about butt out? The thing is solved because DSD went to the LL and the LL said it is fine. I just asked what people think. You've followed me onto three threads now. Are you becoming fixated on me?

Their acceptance is actually not needed as it has been taken over their heads. They don't get a say at all.

Omg

so she tattled on them to the LL
and now the housemates HAVE to accept it

Shit, your DSD is in for a tough year. The atmosphere will be shite.

Oh man

Yup, but the Op isn’t bothered about that

The important this is that her suggestion came to fruition

I think really you should either have paid for a weekly/fortnightly cleaner or nothing. It would have made her super popular with her housemates and generally made for a better atmosphere.

It’s all very well saying people need to stand up for themselves, not be a doormat etc but when you’re living with people for a year it’s really stressful if you don’t find ways to make decisions together that keep everyone happy.

The one bringing the freeloader BF round has a cheek. I hope s/he isn't leaving the BF unattended in the house at any point. He could be nicking anything whilst his beloved goes for a shit/shower/nips out to get some milk.

I doubt it because DSD has no issue setting firm boundaries. So if the housemates try to make her life miserable because they didn't get their own way, I'd bet my next holiday that they'd be out of there before she will or end up a lot unhappier living there when their plans fail. As I said, she sensibly spoke to LL about next year already.

Its very interesting how many people threaten her with misery and awkwardness for not pandering to their jealousy and attempts at control.

Why would she want to be super popular with them and why would I pay one and a half to three times the price I am paying now?

If they genuinely like her for who she is, great, but she isnt going to buy or slave away for their admiration. That would be weird.

Its very interesting how many people threaten her with misery and awkwardness for not pandering to their jealousy and attempts at control

I don’t think this is it. I think it’s about young adults learning to compromise, work together and work things out, not riding roughshod over each other. She should have found a way to present her case better and make it seem like a good idea.

Yes because not everyone is desperate for validation and new friends. Especially from people who want to control them. It's about self esteem, I guess.

They all get the benefit of the cleaner. The daughter/OP get the cost.

There is also no way communal areas need a full deep clean (or at least, my definition of a deep clean) every week. The cleaner does that every week meaning that the other housemates don't have to do much more than run the hoover round and wipe down surfaces/sanitary ware. Their cleaning weeks can be pretty easy because a deep clean is being done so often.

I find it bizarre that your mind is so closed that you don't want to associate with people from a different background to yourself. You are happy to assume you have nothing in common with anyone who has a cleaner. Would that also apply to people whose parents have a cleaner at home? I don't think having a cleaner is any kind of indicator of personality or values.

It seems like they feel that unless she suffers as they have to, it isn't enough. The reality is that with a shift in priorities, they could probably afford a fortnightly deep clean between them but they don't want to consider that.

She isn’t buying anything, though? You are? And it’s made the dynamic weird in the household. There’s a sense of all being in it together as students, and buying her a free pass to get out of doing her share of the chore rota is going to affect that, even though practically the situation isn’t any different.

Personally, I’d be more annoyed with the boyfriend staying over for free the whole time, but that’s for the housemates to negotiate between them.

I think most students living in a new city are generally keen to have friends, though?

Theyre still in the basic daily cleaning up after themselves together. She has a cleaner every three weeks, not a butler!

She does have friends at uni from her course. And her hospital placement. She's friends with a few of the qualified staff members there, too.