DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

Ok, so she has plenty of friends, she doesn’t care what her housemates think and she’s done something she wants to with your encouragement, because her priority is her own wishes over social harmony/cohesion in the shared living space. So what’s the issue?

Was just wondering if anyone would agree with the housemates and I could understand their PoV. Some people do and they've given it. I am more sure that DSD is fine in carrying on than I ever was before! It's all about wanting to please other people and not offend them!

So you seriously agree with my
speculation that your overriding concern is that your suggestion comes to fruition? No matter the fall out for your Dsd?

Loads of us have been to uni
loads of us have kids at uni

does any of us recall having a cleaner?

do any of our kids at uni have cleaners?

I suspect the answer is…. No from the vast vast majority

did you go to uni op?

So? Let them think what they like.

People also have cleaners in the real world. The roommates would be wise to learn their own life lessons here, namely that people don’t all live the same lives, have access to the same resources, and/or have the same priorities they do. Also, that just because they have to do something doesn’t mean that the same applies to everyone.

Yes but didn't live there. I'm not sure what other people do matters so much. Some people pay all their kids expenses and get food shops in and even give them loads of precooked food. I pay for a cleaner.

My suggestion has come to fruition and DSD has made her own choices. If she said to stop because she would prefer to keep the peace, I'd stop. She doesnt want to do that.

I did 🙋🏻‍♀️

I’ve friends that did too.

Can’t say it ever occurred to me that not having a cleaner was required to be a universal experience for students. Oh well.

Doesn't she want to at least get on with the people she lives with though?! They don't have to be besties but she seems to be deliberately antagonising them. (Step) mummy and the landlord's opinions are being given more importance than theirs, in their home.
That it's about a cleaner is almost irrelevant, it's about your DSD insisting that what she wants about their home takes priority over what the other two want.

I'm beginning to think that many of the posters who disagree haven't had their children have growing responsibilities in the home as they aged. They literally wait until they go to uni/move out and then they are expected to just know how to do all this.

I do think that our security in the fact DSD is very capable and competent around the home means we didnt even think twice about whether this was "letting her off" or stopping her from gaining vital life experience.

I think there is a line and a cleaner coming to do the communal areas on DSD's behalf is on the "fine" side of the line. If she insisted on doing a range of other things I can think of and not caring what they thought about it, they would be on the "not fine" side of the line. Sort of like us judging "cleaner coming in alone" on the "not fine" side of the line given the other people weren't okay with it.

I think it’s fine, and a very kind thing for you to do.

I’ve had a cleaner since my uni days, and I love the fact it buys me time to do other things.

Your DSD flatmates are just jealous, and I would not want to be friends with people like them if I were her.

@QPZM

Not a great lesson in life that her family will just keep throwing money at things she doesn't want to do.

She does it willingly at home, so in this situation it’s more about time-management than aversion.

However, given the choice between, say, buying theatre tickets and throwing money at avoiding housework, I’d go for the latter every time. I think that’s as good a lesson in life as any.

Indeed. By the time I went to Uni I could cook, clean and manage my finances. I didn’t and don’t like cleaning (barring vacuuming. I quite like that), so I outsourced it then as I do now. Doesn’t mean I can’t do it.

I also think your DSD not bowing to peer pressure over something so petty shows her strength of both personality and character. Good for her.

And how do you not see that this is the problem???

Communal living.
Communal decisions.

Yes honestly she's always been like that. I think she gets it from her mum. She's actually taught me a lot in that sense. She's not unkind, but she won't hold herself back to please others.

I feel a lot of social pressure to conform and sometimes, I imagine that pressure because I am autistic and sort of overthink. Through her life, she has helped me work out when actually we do need to change what we are doing and when we don't more than my bio son has. Probably as I raised him so he makes the same assessment as me about a situation.

Its not a commune. It's a houseshare/HMO arrangement. They each pay for a room and access to communal areas.

I’m absolutely 100% certain any of my many flatmates from uni through young adulthood would’ve kissed your feet for providing this for us OP. Am amazed at the hostility from her flatmates and PPs.

My kids go to uni alongside some incredibly privileged kids, we’re talking laundry pick up and drop off, drivers, cleaners, everything concierged. Not all of them, but quite a few. Their parents have the means to allow them to focus on what they perceive as the important aspects of college, in your DSD’s case, it’s her studies, and in theirs, it’s getting a pass and networking 😉

But they, the people who live there, have put it on the not fine side of the line. It doesn't matter whether you, I, the landlord, anyone else thinks that's the right side of the line. It's their home and they have said this is something they aren't happy about, in their home.

And that’s too bad for them.

They can learn a life lesson that it isn’t majority rules in every situation, and that there will be times when they’ll be the ones having to adapt. Like now.

I guess it would also depend on whether the cleaner is vetted and insured for the cleaning? OP suggested it's a deep clean every three weeks so, although some may welcome it, it's quite disruptive with carpet shampooing etc.

Why is she not living with these friends who presumably she likes, instead of these housemates who it sounds like she doesn't?

I’m sorry but I don’t know why you have involved yourself in this at all. I have a step daughter. I do not want to be involved in her domestic arrangements to this extent. Your suggestion has now caused disharmony in the step-daughter’s flat share. She’s an adult, leave her to adult and run her own home away from homes.

Then presumably you'd get off your arse and work for the money, rather than sit around with your hand out?

Honestly I wouldn't have wanted to clean the bathrooms after some of my housemates either.

On the other hand, I was skint, so if one of my housemates was paying a cleaner to come, I'd probably have suggested taking their turn for the cash, since I was having to do it on my turn anyway....

I don't think YABU personally, and the housemates should be pleased that someone professional is doing the cleaning one week in 3.