DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

This is a good perspective. It may well be that at the end of the year, the flatmates might not want to continue sharing (in my experience once people start housesharing, they have generally continued with the same people). Now, that may well not be an issue, but she can't be surprised if she does something that they don't like and then they choose not to invite her to a houseshare again.

It's interesting you think this way. In practical terms, what does it matter if some fellow students think she is a princess because she outsources some chores? I think that your need to be liked or admired in some way by these individuals would have to be pretty high for that to matter that much. They'd have to be key to your career or social life or something. DSD doesn't have this dynamic with her housemates.

It matters if she wants to carry on house-sharing with them after this first year.

And also a stranger in the house and a male stranger in the house at that, assuming the cleaner is female.

Never saw any of my house mates again after uni, and different people every year, just ships that pass in the night. Mostly in and out at different times, or working in our rooms, just hello and goodbye most of the time and that was it, different courses so hardly met in the day either.

The ones that started as best buds were at each others throats by the end of the year!

Maybe this adds to any resentment - if your DSD casually drops in conversation that you have more than one home?
I must admit if I were your DSD’s housemate I wouldn’t feel resentful, I would be happy that the cleaning was being done thoroughly every three weeks. That said, I wouldn’t feel I had much in common with her and I’d probably gravitate towards others where I felt more of a friendship and who were more independent of their parents. Is this UK as it’s very early in the year! Maybe things will shake down a little as the academic pressure mounts for the others and they’ll let it slide?

And that’s fine. Emotions/friendships aside, though, if they say at the end of this year that they’re moving into a different flat, perhaps a two bed with the girls and the BF, it’s DSD who’s left looking for a new place on her own. I was coming at it from a practical angle more than becoming lifelong best buddies.

She's on her own feet. We are just helping out the young adult at university.

If someone thinks that because her stepmum pays for a cleaner, then that would be on them. Also if they tried to make her life miserable because she hires a cleaner, that would be bullying. None of those behaviours would be remotely appropriate and wouldn't make DSD think she's missed out on some great friends.

She did this at home. She has 5 younger siblings in total.

No they clean up after themselves, do the dishes etc daily. The cleaner does a deep clean of communal areas. Underneath the sofa, behind the fridge, things like that.

I think it will be pretty easy to find a houseshare. DSD already spoke to the LL about next year. She should have a room in this house.

Her parents divorced so she has a home with her mother, steppy and siblings and with her father, me and siblings.

This isn't the case but even if it was, I think it might be better than living with the people who think DSD has to suffer as they do.

I guess I always had house-shares with people who were my friends who I wanted to continue to be my friends hence I would not have done something that would upset the group dynamic. It was a situation where a group of uni friends chose to live together and sought out a house together.

I have never had a houseshare with a group of strangers. When I first met DH he was living in a set up more like that where he rented a room in an HMO from a landlord and other people came and went in the same house some of whom he liked and some he didn’t. I guess that is a different dynamic and one would care less about upsetting others in that scenario.

Ah ok, I read it as you have two homes. Of course understandable that she does, thanks. Not that it’s anyone’s business if you do, some people feel resentful. A friend’s daughter house-shared at uni with a girl whose dad stepped in and paid for everything, I don’t think they were jealous just a bit ambivalent about her. Your daughter does do some work so (unless they know you’re specifically paying for the cleaner) she could be choosing to use that money to pay for the cleaner. I agree it looks a bit “Common People” like pp said, but given how expensive it is to study these days and how difficult it is for youngsters to find work afterwards, why not?

The danger with that is that you have friends who are quite entitled and they stop you exercising your freedom and because you're so keen to please them, you allow it to happen. How far would you compromise your own happiness to not upset the group?

I think it's a great idea. I used to clean student accommodation and it was gross!

I just can’t get that way of thinking. I’d see it that if we are a group of mates then we all muck in together and share stuff and that’s the fun of it.
I would not think of it like I was ‘sacrificing my own happiness’. It would not make me happy to have a luxury that others didn’t. I would have declined your offer kind as it is.

When I shared with my mates at med school (so similar situation re: placements and hard work) we had a cleaning rota for the communal bits and yes there was a bit of moaning about differing standards but nothing major. We all put into a kitty for household stuff like toilet roll and cleaning stuff. We often cooked meals together like Sunday brunch when we were all in the same place and had our friends over to hang out. No one cared if others had people to sleepover. It was a great time in my life. A real sense of camaraderie

One of my housemates actually went to a very posh private school and I guess his dad could have afforded to buy him his own fully serviced flat but he never shouted about that and just mucked in with the rest of us. He did have a car which the rest of us didn’t and would take us on day trips to the beach and to get a big load of shopping from the out of town supermarket and he didn’t ask for petrol money. If he had behaved a lot differently than the rest of us like getting a cleaner just for his bits of the rota (fine if it was for everyone!) then I think we would have felt that he was alienating himself from our group and not wanting to be part of the group experience.

you’re getting a few issues confused here and you’re not making sense; you want to pay a cleaner to clean a bathroom your DSD doesn’t even use? what’s the 4th person got to do with it? you’ll run into problems with the cleaner wanting more money and not being happy with the mess or 4 people not 3, if the other 2 housemates aren’t happy with a cleaner don’t insist on one. you should keep out of the issue. no good will come of it. YABU trying to insert yourself and the cleaner into the situation

The agreement the housemates made is that they'd take turns cleaning all communal areas. DSD can use the upstairs bathroom but doesn't really need to. Downstairs has a shower which she prefers and there is the kitchen and a reception room. She has little cause to go upstairs. But they agreed and she isnt petty so she wouldn't refuse to do theirs on her day.

If I had a free 4th person, I wouldn't be quick to point out much about what other housemates were doing. You do not cut the branch on which you perch.

The cleaner understands the workload and quoted the price herself.

I didnt insist. I offered and DSD jumped at the chance. She is pretty insistent the cleaner stays, I suppose. She hasn't bowed.

Yep!

So she takes after you in the ‘my way or the highway’ outlook? Hmm, can’t imagine why that might impact her ability to make friends… on the flipside, if none of the other housemates want a cleaner and there are more of them than there are of her, why should they be the ones to compromise?

The other housemates are being stupid.

Why hasn’t it been brought up that the bf needs to start paying a % of the bills? He’s using water and electricity clearly and also he’s making a mess and even if he cleans it up who’s cleaning products is he using? He’s needs to start paying 50% of what an extra housemates share would be. THAT I’d bring up!!!

Is she trying to make friends with them? They’re acquaintances, all that’s required is cordiality.

They have little choice but to accept it. The cleaner is for the common areas, not their private ones. Of course they could move out, and they may do, but given that the DSD has already secured her place for next year I doubt that would be problem for her either.