DSD, houseshare and the Cleaner

[Ihavetoask]

So go on, I'll do one. It isn't a major issue. Just one that came up lately.

DSD is in Uni and she is in a houseshare with two others. One person has their partner stay at least 50% of the time without paying more but DSD doesn't care. Rent, utilities and bills are comfortably covered by the 3. Her mum and dad help her out - she works a bit, too, but her course is demanding of time and academic work so she can't work as much as the average uni student. Most people in her class do not work.

DSD is a great young woman and always has been. She contributes in all ways in both her family homes. Great with her younger siblings, changed nappies, will wash bins, whatever. No complaints at all. What I want you to take from that is that she isn't incapable or lazy.

In the houseshare, they sensibly came up with some basic ground rules about cleaning up after themselves as they go and, the focus of this thread, they would rotate doing a deep clean of all the communal areas. So once every three weeks, it's DSD's turn to do the two reception rooms, two bathrooms (one she doesnt use as her bedroom is downstairs), kitchen and hallways/stairs.

As I said earlier, her mum and dad cover her expenses plus she has loans and works a bit. I thought my contribution could be to pay for a cleaner to do her turn every three weeks (£50). I actually suggested it when she told us about the arrangement. However, the other housemates haven't been happy about it.

The first issue was that they didnt want the cleaner to be there unaccompanied, even though they all lock their rooms. Me and her dad said fair enough, not everyone is okay with that and it is a shared space. But really it seems they're not okay with her not actually doing it herself. However, DSD really likes the idea. She does find it somewhat different to clean the bathroom behind people who arent family.

They went to the LL about it and the LL said they have no issues and there isnt anything they could do to make her stop especially as she's there, too. I really think the LL likes the idea of a pro cleaner coming in regularly tbh.

We've said that she should basically ignore them and we've carried on hiring the cleaner.

And just to point out from my extensive background, the cleaner is cleaning one bathroom DSD never uses AND there is actually a fourth person who is there regularly but doesn't pay and doesn't take a turn. All of which DSD doesn't complain or care about at all.

So, are we being unreasonable?

I could read and leave. But I flat shared my own flat.

you say DSD is single minded- then she is not suitable for flat share with anyone including a sibling. So, have you thought of funding a studio or 1 bed flat for your dsd sole use?

further, what year is DSD? Will she need to flatshate next year? Does she not care about needing to find new flat mates if these choose not to flat share with her? To me this is key to her decision whether she cares with keeping these flatmates post this share.

also, please note there are horror stories of students moving every 3 weeks because of inability to find good flatmates to share with: drug use, alcohol, and all sorts going on in those flats they need to move. So good flatmates you get along with are gold!

lastly, yup, whether she cares or not about the bf who is there 50% without contributing- you and her dad’s opinion on this are null and void. At her age, if dsd is unbothered by it, that’s that. I know I wouldn’t like it AT ALL , and I would leave. Unless it is a massive house where they can be isolated (she has her bathroom) and even then, I wouldn’t like it. And that’s a personal preference. So please don’t use this in any argument about cleaner as it’s just irrelevant to her so she must continue to ignore it.

I guess I can see why the others might think she's not 'pulling her weight'.

But realistically if its being professionally cleaned every 3 weeks the others cleaning will be much easier.

I agree with this.
I think it's bizarre.

I could afford to do this for my son in his flat share but I wouldn't dream of it.
He needs to muck in and do his share and show willing, not sit back and watch his flatmates clean whilst mummy hires someone to stop him getting his hands dirty.

I'm not sure their feelings are more important than DSD's when it comes to managing her responsibilities.

(Step) mummy sees her getting her hands dirty at her homes.

That's how I'd see it as a flatmate!

Also, no mention of other flatmates may be scared of their things going missing from that bathroom and in the two living rooms. So on that score, I would also welcome a professional cleaner coming in every three weeks.. however if I were the one wanting the cleaner I would not let the desire for a cleaner flat trump my need to keep my flatmates for the next Flat share, if indeed I felt there were wonderful flatmates. As I said in my previous post I’ve heard of horror stories of people unable to find good flatmates..

If it pisses her house mates off I would stop it. Imo it's not worth pissing off non family people you live with, unless you absolutely have to. Put the £50 in a savings account for DSD

you say DSD is single minded- then she is not suitable for flat share with anyone including a sibling.

I wouldn't say that. She just knows her own mind and is proactive about sorting things herself.

So, have you thought of funding a studio or 1 bed flat for your dsd sole use?

No she wouldn't be able to afford this yet. My £50 every three weeks wouldn't change that, either.

further, what year is DSD?

First

Will she need to flatshate next year?

Yes. She's staying there. She's spoken to the LL and it's pencilled in, so to speak.

Does she not care about needing to find new flat mates if these choose not to flat share with her?

I wouldn't think so. Any room would let easily between the hospital and university.

So please don’t use this in any argument about cleaner as it’s just irrelevant to her so she must continue to ignore it.

It's more that I am surprised someone who is having someone stay for free would raise complaints so readily about something that will ultimately benefit them if they choose to see it that way.

What a healthy attitude to housesharing! They don't need to be more important, obviously, but their feelings and options about their house are equally important to hers. Presumably she does want to get on with the people she lives with.

Yeah I agree with this tbh.

I was from a much wealthier family than most of my friends at uni and was a bit self conscious about it. I cleaned the house along with the rest of them and would not have dreamed of allowing my parents to send in hired help to cover for me, unless I was seriously unwell or some other valid reason.

Totally fair enough the others don't want a cleaner in on a regular basis. You do have to make yourself scarce when a cleaner comes so they can get on and the housemates might feel awkward or just want to lie on the sofa that morning, which they now can't!

I’d be glad and make less effort on my week.

This. Thanks @Ihavetoask for answers. However, regarding easy to find flat mates, you omitted the words flat mates she gets along with; also no comment to the horror stories of people needing to move every 3 weeks because of unsuitable flatmates, drug substances, alcohol et cetera
oh Or has Step-Daughter already concluded these are not wonderful flatmates? Yes, this is all confusing and yes, it should really not be something you should be trying to sort out. Sorry for AutoCorrect, I’m dictating..

Re not liking cleaning behind other people’s toilets, whilst I understand that, can she just not buy gloves to use every time she cleans the toilet I tend to wear gloves when I clean the bathroom which we normally only give to visitors to use.

Good for dsd. The ones being jealous about having to do their own cleaning are learning a valuable lesson that life is not always fair.
They are a bit rich moaning about someone being there once every 3 weeks when there's a boyfriend there nearly all the time who is not contributing in any way who presumably hasn't been vetted by the LL.
She sounds like a lovely girl and a credit to her parents and you too op, it's obvious you think a lot of her.
Just read the comment about flatmates wanting to lie on the sofa while cleaner is there. Fml 😂😂😂 it's one day every 3 weeks. Surely they should be studying? i doubt she's cleaning on an evening.

This is pathetic.
The housemates couldn't give a toss about the security element. What they are worried about is that 'it's not fair' that they have to clean and your DSD is outsourcing her turn. IMO if she has the means to - why not?

Considering that OP has hired a cleaner, she doesn’t ‘need’ to do any such thing. Why should she do something she neither has to do, nor wants to do, just because the others are?

Her share is being covered. They aren’t having to do anything extra because OP’s daughter has a cleaner.

As a student, I was in a flat share with two others for a while. After constant irritation about the cleaning of common areas, we mutually decided to go splitsies on a cleaner every 2 weeks for a couple of hours. It came to about a tenner per person, every two weeks, and the resulting domestic harmony was well worth it. In our case, the cleaner dealt only with living room, bathroom, and kitchen, and because that's not a lot of rooms for the time, was happy to attack random dishes and make sure no "a-pot-calypses" were lurking in the fridge.

Rather than having one girl buy out her alloted chore time, which I could see might cause resentment, it might be worth considering if such an arrangement is affordable/amenable to the others: if the common areas aren't huge, then once there are three or more people sharing, it might become affordable sooner than one would think, to share a cleaner every few weeks.

Prior to that, it was 2 girls and 2 guys in the flat, and we had a chore rota, along with a points systems whereby one could buy oneself out of set contributions to the shared groceries list. This worked out pretty well for the 2 girls, because we had a slightly higher income, so the guys ended up doing most of the chores and we bought most of the shared groceries (important socioeconomic lessons to be learned here...). But this system did rely on being a group of friends that was often cooking together, and that was willing to work out an agreement and revisit it rationally if conflicts arose.

It sounds completely tone deaf, elitist and creating a completely unnecessary barrier while depriving her of life skills.

Part of living with flatmates is negotiating a split of chores, learning how to cook and clean and manage your time, learning how to be fair to others, to take on differences of opinion.

Flashing your cash about to outsource your chores to a less privileged person is gross.

She can cook and clean

She's suggested this and they shot it down.

Did you wilfully miss the bit where she cleans and cooks at both her mums and dads home and clearly happily gets on with people?
She's not flashing the cash she is just outsourcing a job.
Everybody has to learn at some point that some people they meet in life will have more money than them.

@Ihavetoask you know what will happen of course? With a professional cleaner coming in every 3 weeks the other 2 girls will do a lick and a promise on their weeks and leave the proper job to the cleaner.🙄 Maybe the freeloading boyfriend could pay the cleaner instead on his girlfriend's week as his contribution? (Tongue firmly in cheek!?

Me either.

I think participation in household chores in a uni house is part of growing up and being independent / learning to rub along with others.

Few people enjoy cleaning, but if her housemates are rolling up their sleeves and cleaning her shared spaces, she needs to be seen to reciprocate. Cleaning once every 3 weeks is hardly onerous.

You won’t always be there to enable her to swerve every little trial that comes her way, and uni is the time she should be learning to stand on her own two feet.