How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

How is your example even remotely relevant if you aren’t caring for any children?

Put your kid in nursery and go back to work. Then you can spend £250 on a trip to the zoo and your haircut every week.

That’s a ridiculous amount to spend when one partner has told you they are unhappy with it. Save more instead of pissing it away. His income needs to fund both your lives and pensions and your child’s costs and education etc. Stop spending so much on absolutely nothing every week.

I've been in your situation, OP and could easily spend that much (and the only "beauty" treatment I got was a haircut once 4 times a year). Eating out instead of taking a lunch, coffees, ice cream, the odd taxi at the end of the day, soft play, theatre, swimming, it can all add up. Of course it's pretty easy to not spend so much, but it certainly makes it feel more like a fun day out for you too if you can.

I think you need to start with the question of - under what terms are you a SAHM? Is it because this is what you really wanted to do and DH said okay? Or because your DH wouldn't pick up half the responsibility and let you work in your career in a reasonable way? Or something different? Because I think the answer to that has a huge bearing on how much you can expect your joint finances to underwrite SAHM life feeling more like fun than work.

But you should also be considering - what does this look like in terms of other discretionary spending? 170k sounds like a lot, but after taxes etc, your 12k a year is a significant percentage of it. You presumably have plenty of bills etc. to pay. Is there that much money that he wouldn't think twice about spending 125 a week on discretionary stuff for himself (something he might already do - it's fairly easy to spend that on daily lunch & coffee and a round of drinks after work once a week)? Are you all able to go on the holidays you want to, or are you reigning those in a bit? Do you have decent savings? Would DC be better off with fewer activities and 60 a week put away in savings for uni or a house deposit?

I don't think these sorts of questions are simple, or ones where you're going to get much helpful commentary from the Internet where the focus is that you're a family on 4 times the income of the average working family, not what the disparity between your life and your DH's.

This doesn't make sense, you're talking about a budget for what sounds like school holidays, which is different, and you work. The OP is doing this on a permanent basis.

I think you also should post how much he is spending a week. If he has a couple of evenings out, a gym membership and takes DC out at the weekend it will easily be more than £250…

Also, £170k is on paper. He will not see some 62.5% of it as it goes in tax and NI

Didn't you post about this the other day? You basically go out and have fun and eat out every single day.

£170k is £101k post tax and NI. Then he has to add in a pension contribution.

IMO you are spending way too much and treating your life like an extended holiday. I can see why it's causing resentment. It entirely depends on what your other outgoings are though.

How is it obvious? Especially as the husband has asked her to rein it in. It’s more likely that they can’t afford it.

I think that’s wrong - think he keeps around s 60%

Easy to spend if it's not you slogging your guts out to actually earn it.

When I was on mat leave I was a bit more respectful of my DH's earnings and our future financial health so I generally took the bus and made packed lunches for days out, of course I got coffees and went out for lunch and treats as well but I was sensible about it. We are high earners but I want a safety net of savings and a comfortable retirement etc.

Don't be silly. The majority of people sit well between this and spending a grand a month on nails and frivolities.

It seems a lot to me.

You were insane to leave a job of 80k. There are always problems these days in a marriage when you start being financially dependent on someone.

Our joint income is more than double yours and I'd still think a lot was being frittered away. Do you want private education for your DC? Do you want them to go to university? These things are expensive and need saving for from an early age

I guess op saying they were comfortable means it's obvious they can afford it IMO.

Fwiw even though they can afford it, I think its taking the absolute piss!

250 a week for doing a few activities sounds expensive, but is not if you're including a nail salon, buying a fe drinks, popping in to the cinema, buying a book your child likes etc etc etc. It all quickly adds up.
170 k = c£1,950 weekly take home. Once bills / mortgage etc etc are taken into consideration, you are effectively spending a fair old chunk of the weekly take home.
Whether this is bad or not depends on your saving priorities. Could you reduce the amount by taking food and drink with you, using a membership (e.g. repeat visits to ZSL, doing low/no cost things like just going to the park or doing crafts at home or cooking?)
Your DH could be like my Ex in so far as he thought being at home with our DD was just a fun frolic. Or maybe he has a point.
Maybe you're bored and spending too much. Certainly it sounds like you're exercising your right to spend (as if you were still earning and had no children)

Fundamentally though as soon as you give up your career / your own earnings, you're at the mercy of everyone else. And even the most generous husband, can be an arse about it at times. My own DH, who earns 10 times as much, still very occasionally picks me up on spending. I spend less than you and still work for this very reason so can legitimately tell him to foxtrot Oscar. By contrast you need to have a conversation about what is reasonable as he is the one funding this activity and choice.

Just be careful I was a sahm for many years and did a little Saturday job, but I had x and he had x after bills yet it was always me paying for birthdays Xmas, clothes for ds etc etc out my my pot his went on crap,
Just make sure if u do end up been a sahm u budget accordingly,
If you do not like the budget you will have to return to work part time!
Think about your future also though! If u where to split are u secure at least if in employment it's easier to go back ft

That’s a lot of money to not include food and petrol, I don’t think he’s being unreasonable asking you to be more mindful.

You need to decide together what is reasonable to spend on
A- whatever you like
B- whatever your DH likes
C- enrichment activities, toys, books, clothes etc for your child(ren).

Look for season tickets for venues... for example at our nearest zoo, its £25 for a day ticket or £70 for a year. A monthly visit is well worth a season ticket. (Plus you can leave after two hours of the weather turns or they get bored etc).

When DH was on a similar income I had about £150 a week for that sort of thing. He had £125 a week (I had more as had to take to softplay etc). DH is on around 300k now and we both get 1k a month spends so I suppose roughly what you’re spending now.
(I have always worked but have never earned much)
He probably takes home around 8ish, if you both have 1k to spend that leaves 6ish which after a London mortgage, probably £600-700 on food, plus all bills won’t leave very much for savings and the future. You guys should be maxing out on that now.
But surely you just sit down and work out what comes in and what you both think is reasonable to come out? Tbh this should have been done before you stopped work?

If your DC is/are still young enough for soft play, then they're still young enough to have a lot of fun with much cheaper outings (and packed lunch). Or staying at home doing finger painting etc. A lot of the spending is probably more for your benefit than for theirs.

I was a SAHM when our kids were small and my DH was earning about £200K. I did a lot of activities/classes and outings with them and it didn't come to nearly £250 a week (and I was spending more than most people).

Just because DH earns 170k you don't have to spend it all. I think it's a tad excessive to be honest and you may regret one day, spending that much money on stuff. Of course you want to enjoy time with your DC but you don't need to spend £50 every weekday in order to do that. It's a lot and not what I'd call responsible spending - like I said, just because you have it now, doesn't mean you need to spend it.

sorry but 170k or not, weekly spend on activities with a dc is too much (i do not care the age) What are they doing? going to thorpe park weekly?

Have you ever had to live frugally? Just curious.

Yeah. Our joint income is around £250k and I spend something similar to you with one 1YO DC, but also including my share of household food shop and outsourced help like cleaner/laundry.

It's obviously easily within budget and I see how you get to it (lunches add up!) but if you are also trying to do things like overpay mortgage, overpay pensions, save for private school, have a big family holiday etc then you need to weigh that.

It might be that you need these things or you'll go mad, so it's a choice of slightly spendy SAHM or nursery and you/DH prefer DC to be with mum for a few years more than you want to overpay mortgage or have DC in private school. But weigh them against those things.

I think it depends on a few things...

Are you managing to save/are you agreed on long term goals.

What does he get to spend on himself in comparison.

Do you need to break budget down a bit more. £1K per month on hair and days out is a lot. But if this is including other things too then it's not so much (i.e. do you have a separate pot for dentist, birthday presents etc or is that included in the 1k).