How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

There’s a difference though between martyrdom and spending a thousand pounds a month on going to the zoo and the like.

If I was your DH I'd be a bit pissed off at working my arse off so you can fritter it away on nails, hair and lunches. I earn a lot more than him and wouldn't dream of spending that. Why do you need your nails and hair done so much? Wouldn't you rather that money went towards your family's financial security? Seeing as you're a one wage family, wouldn't it be better to save it so that you have a cushion in case he was ill and unable to work?

Remember.he is paying a lot of tax on that. So his take home will be a lot less than two people earning £85k.

This must be a difficult dynamic to find yourself in; wouldn’t you rather be working and have your own money?
Otherwise why not put together a budget, agree it and stick to it?

Our household income is a fair bit higher than that and I am completely in favour of all money being joint, but even I think £250/week on nothing much is a lot. You need to agree an approach together- yes you're comfortable but maybe your husband has other plans (early retirement?)

It is way cheaper than nursery but it does seem like a huge amount. I am saying that though as someone who has never, and will never (am at top wage bracket of my profession now), earn that much and am used to having fun on much less money. Can you both agree a clear budget with a particular amount of fun money each and then a budget for DC activities?

I'm now beginning to place a finger on why so many objectively well-off people seem to think they are poor.

(Spoiler - I think it's because they piss it up the wall.)

Op, my dh is on a much, much higher salary and we have our kids in a private schools. I’m a sahm and I still really think that’s too much. We were/ are both in banking and finance so maybe that’s why I can’t justify spending money this way 🤣 I would rather invest.

I think you need to separate out the getting nails & hair done, from the activities with kids.

Maybe he is looking at how he can be at home more, going part time, changing jobs to something that pays less etc, and wants to start cutting back to accommodate this.

I earn this, and our household income is higher and I think £250 a week frittered away is lots.

Nails is what £40 every two weeks. Zoo is £50 max, and you wouldn’t go every week. Soft play £20. Lashes £45 every two week, lunch out with a child £40/50? .what are you spending it on?

I do spend my money on clothes and hobbies but not so much on this frippery stuff

OP I earn about the same as your husband. My husband also works and earns c. 1/4 of my pay. So overall we have a very healthy household income, also with one child.

We live sensibly, my husband would probably argue frugally because I’m always aware that situations can change in a flash. We budget and plan activities accordingly.

It sounds like your £250 spent doesn’t include weekend costs when your husband is home. So £50 a day during the week is quite a lot, even with a child at home. You’re obviously saving on nursery costs but that doesnt mean the equivalent cost should be spent without some sort of discussion with your husband about how the finances of your house will work. It’s a partnership - speak it out together and settle on something that’s reasonable to him but still allows you and your DC to enjoy yourself during the week.

170k presumably is gross.

So it isn't just 13k out of 170k, it's 13k out of whatever is left after tax, deductibles, and then of course bills, any mortgage, living costs food etc.

£250 a week is a lot to spend on frippery.

My household income is a lot higher than yours (I earn about 60% if it but we both contribute high salaries to the pot), and DH and I have £400 each in personal spends a month.

£250 week sounds very high.

Be careful here, you’re mixing up personal expenses for you (hair and nails etc) with costs for entertaining dc (days out). Be careful that he doesn’t lump in costs of childcare as ‘your’ expenses.

would be worth tracking a few months spending to see what it goes on and then sitting down with him to agree acceptable budgets. Make him do it too. What’s he wasting on lunches for work, coffees, beers out, hobbies? Maybe agree a budget for both of you for personal treats and spending (he won’t be so keen to cut down when he is also being reviewed) and what’s an acceptable amount to be spending on dc.

Tell him not to be so tight. Enjoy x

Our household income is a multiple of yours (sorry to sound like a prick) and honestly I would have struggled to spend £250 week in, week out when my DC were pre-school age. Are you paying for a babysitter while you get nails or hair done? Or Is your child old enough for drop off classes? Otherwise I just can’t see how I would spend £50 each and every day. Are you eating out every day? Are you spending money on activities every single day? Nails once every three weeks, hair every couple of months, clothes once in a while…unless you’re paying for really expensive options £250 each and every week sounds like a lot and actually quite difficult to achieve to me.

ETA: also, the choices aren’t “send to nursery” and “stay at home and spend equivalent”. You can have your child at home and do a few classes in the week and save loads compared to nursery fees. Nursery fees aren’t your spending limit.

Our household income is more than that, and I'd think 250/w is really excessive.

He's paying a chunk of tax on that salary, unless you've quoted take home pay.

I try to keep it at 50-100 pw, including baby classes (tumbletots, why are you so expensive?!).

We rarely eat out as it's ludicrously expensive nowadays and not needed with a little one, it is much easier to eat at home

I take advantage of library and church baby groups. I can bring DC swimming using my gym membership.

We sometimes do soft play or farm but it's crazy expensive. Maybe like once a fortnight?

Our household income is more than that and I think that is a lot. YABU

Sorry but that is a lot. £170k is a high salary but if he’s the only one earning then it’s not huge especially after tax and if you have high outgoings, want a nice holiday each year, run cars etc. do you need your hair and nails done so often? Do you need to eat out for lunch as often or as many days out? I’d look at reducing to £200 a month.

This can't be real? That's an absurd amount to spend on nothing in particular. Just do some cheaper or free activities and take a sandwich. You could cut your spending in half and still have a really lovely week.
Spending what you like when you like isn't realistic for anyone on a salaried income. Just agree a reasonable budget and stick to it.

Need to show this to DH. I am the very model of restraint.

£1,000 a month frittered away is a lot (regardless of household income)

I would vastly prefer he got to retire earlier than we threw away money. There has to be a balance fun now and financial security.

Start spending more. Double it.

When he moans says “see, £250 a week doesn’t seem like so much now, does it?!”

How much does he take home though? How much is your mortgage etc ? That’s a huge amount of money every week

That’s a lot of money to spend on fuck all. I’ve just done a quick tot up, as I’m a sahm who doesn’t really watch what I spend when it comes to my kids (two, one is nearly four and one is six months old so only really spending on the eldest at the moment) and even with swimming lessons, rugby and football, toddler group once a week, at least one day out (zoo, farm park etc) a week, we’re only spending around half what you are. Admittedly I’m not frittering away money on nails etc but still.

My main issue, to be honest, is with your wanky, petulant attitude. My husband is the sole earner in our family too, albeit on far less money, and I can’t imagine saying he gets no say because he’s only around at the weekend?! What kind of a shitty partnership are you fostering?

I think realistically if you want complete free rein to spend what you want, with zero input from your husband, you need to earn your own money and pay your own way… or you need to discuss your expectations with your husband and compare what you both think is reasonable and come to a compromise.

How much were you and your DH saving/investing each month between you pre-DC and how much now?
Is your dynamic that you are more happy to spend what is coming in, and he prefers to put more of it away for the future? If yes, then I think a conversation needs to be had to get you aligned about your shared (financial) goals before you get into the detail of your respective grooming and entertainment budgets.
Your annual income as a couple has dropped massively, you need to both acknowledge that and make a shared plan.

That's a lot of money to spend ! You're not contributing to it at all so I would be rather annoyed.