How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

You also don’t get a trophy for having nice hair and nails.

Obviously needs to be a discussion. It's your JOINT income so you both have some say in how it is spent.

At face, yes it does seem a lot to spend. How old is your child? Do they actually appreciate the zoo? Or is it more that you need some entertainment yourself (not saying that's a problem if so).

There are definitely many cheaper options out there, especially when the weather is good. Church groups are either free or cheap, and many libraries run a rhyme time or similar. You can get to know any good parks/playgrounds in your area - most towns have at least one really good one in my experience, and if you go during school hours it is quiet enough for little ones.

However, it does sound like you can afford it pretty easily. I imagine mortgage etc is only a small percentage if thay income, especially if you had joint pre-tax income of more than 200K previously.

Ask your DH what his priorities are and what he would be happy with as a general budget. Talk to him and come to an arrangement you are both happy with.

It must depend on the company you keep because I am working class as are all of my friends and as a group the large majority of us have extensions, Botox and have more recently moved onto Profhilo. I wouldn’t call any of those things particularly out of the ordinary, I thought profhilo was but once I mentioned it to people I was surprised by the amount that have tried it.

We are a very high income household because DH, his degree and job earning capacity brings the biggest income. I've always worked but earned less money because of different professions, taking maternity time off and work around our children when they were small. It made an impact in my earning capacity and DH had no problem understanding it. I easily can spend 500 a week these days, and all my children are adults and gone.

170k is at the top income bracket in the UK and spending 250 on personal and their son expenditure when she gave up an 80,000 income job is more than reasonable. What is not reasonable is her DH tight arse.

Your logic is really off there. Giving up a large income does not equal a right to spend as much as you want. The opposite should be true if anything.

Possible income/expenditure:

170k income
60k pension
72k take home

30k mortgage
5k bills
7k food
6k car
6k holidays

leaves 18k of which she is spending 2/3rds of that on her weekly bits.

You are assuming too much. Their income of 170k doesn't mean they are wealthy but they can easily afford the expenditure of 250 p/w.

A top income means reasonable expenditure for the OP and their son. Again, it's not just about the OP getting her nails done, it also includes moneys spent for their child.

The OP left a high paid job of 80,000k a yea to care for their son. Her DH has apparently forgotten it and is now trying to reign very average expenses for this income bracket,

I said before and will say it again, it'd be interesting to know if the OP can have access to full access to her DH bank accounts, and where the money is spent..

What assumption did I make?
It's basic maths really, dropping an income = less money.
That they can "easily afford" the £250 is a huge assumption on your part as outgoing can vary enormously. It seems obvious that dropping to a single income will mean reining in spending somewhat, as does having a child.

Don’t forget a lot of that 170k is taxed at 50%, plus the Personal Allowance is lost. So as others have said, it isn’t the vast wealth you might think it is. And then there will be pension, mortgage, insurance, life insurance, car costs (to buy run and maintain), and so on and so on. Have you actually sat down with him and worked out what the family budget looks like, what you are saving for the future, and how much is left for holidays, and your hair dos and nails and other frippery. Because I think you might then see that he has a point that 13k a year (so at least 26k of his £170k) is a tad excessive.

People find their tribe 🤷‍♀️ Back in the day MN was a very London centric middle class enclave. As it has grown I’m sure the demographics have shifted a bit but they haven’t been upended.

There are hundreds of thousands of people in UK earning more than £170k. That a few 100 of them regularly post on MN shouldn’t be surprising

@Righan
There is a very easy way to avoid these arguments.
You need three current accounts: one for him, one for you, and one joint account. You should also have joint savings.

All income goes into the joint current, including his pay and child benefit and anything else.
You work out together a budget, to cover all household and childcare costs, family holidays, Xmas, etc. plus joint savings.
Then decide together how much each of you will get per month for "personal" money. Then set up standing orders from the joint account to each of your personal accounts for the agreed amount.

You spend your personal money on your clothes, hair, beauty, and any treat or luxuries you want, coffees and lunches out, as well as your hobbies, socialising and anything else you buy for just you.
He does the same.
You negotiate whether your phones and cars are joint or personal, and adjust the figures accordingly.
Everything related to the children and their activities comes out of the joint, as does all household shopping and basic toiletries (but not any fancy stuff you buy for just you). Date nights and meals out or other occasions you both go to can be joint.

Then, if he doesn't spend his personal amount, he can save it in an account in his own name alone - same goes for you.
Any fancy tech or hobbies or sports equipment he gets for himself has to come out of his personal account, plus his clothes, as well as any socialising he does without you - that might make things clearer for him.

This system avoids any arguments when you have different attitudes or values or spending habits.
It is totally clear and transparent, and most importantly separates your personal spending from the children's costs.

Yes I agree it must depend on your circle. We’re middle class, in a nice area in the south east, circle of decent incomes and none of us have extensions or Botox and I’ve never even heard of profhilo. We tend to spend our money on overpaying the mortgage, savings, DCs savings for their future before anything else, then holidays and family experiences, nice food, DCs activities, although I do like spas so spend some money on spa days and massages.

Bloody hell I read the OP and thought "it's not a spending race you know!"

I agree its nice to enjoy spending some of your income on non essential things you enjoy, especially if it's easily affordable but your OP is worded as if frittering a chunk of money every week has become a norm/ a need. My husband is a bit of a fritterer which is why we have semi separate finances.

Some weeks I'll spend more than you but many weeks I'll spend barely anything at all because there is no real reason to or there are lots of free events going on locally.

Maybe it's not so much the amount but the mindlessness of the spending that your husband is objecting to. 250 a week just for the sake of it seems a bit ... profligate.

There’s such a wide spectrum of lifestyles on here, it seems to be difficult for others to appreciate that at times. I can see how £250 could easily be spent per week and don’t think that is excessive on your household income. Things cost so much more now than they did even a year or two ago and it can be so pricey going on fun trips out with little ones. As long as essential costs are met and ideally some money is being saved, I’m all for enjoying any leftover money. Life’s too short. Enjoy yourself and the precious time you have when the children are little - it goes far too quickly.

Lol Its not Essex which does have nice areas. Take Shenfield and Hutton mount for example. Loads of hair extensions and botox there. And multimillion pound houses

Yes, it’s a stupid question really - it’s meaningless a load of MN posters saying ‘Oh wow £1000 a month, that’s nothing for someone on £170k’ because it depends what proportion of their disposable income the expenditure it is.

He presumably takes home roughly £8k a month. If they have a £700k mortgage (I’ve just chosen £700k on the basis it’s roughly 4x his salary) then the repayments could easily be half that monthly take-home amount. Then council tax, other bills, commuting costs, fuel, car, food… In that context, £1000 a month on days out and beauty treatments start to look like quite a lot.

Also OP - I work PT with one in school and a pre-schooler, and I find National Trust membership really helpful for days out with the kids. It’s about £150 a year.

Very true…

That doesnt leave any for savings and investments (outside of pension) either....

A straight 40% of that £170k goes in tax. So, split between two people that doesn’t really give you £250/week for what are effectively luxuries. You have to factor in house mortgage, house maintenance and development, car purchase and maintenance and tax and insurances, local taxes, pensions, holidays, food and petrol essentials, school uniforms, school lunches and school trips and after school clubs or extra kids activities etc. Not to mention saving for the future. When kids get to teenage years they cost a fantastic amount, especially if they go to university. Parents are paying out around £10000 a year in rent or living expenses for each child at university. The student loan your child can get is less than £5000 a year on that salary. It mounts up, and now, when your child is small, is the time to save for their future too even though it can seem a long way off.

So it's £35 a day, or £50 a day if not including weekends.
Tbh I can see how it could add up to this if you are going out every day and doing activities like zoos, farm parks etc, buying lunch plus extras for you like haircut and nails. It easily adds up.
Can you get season tickets for your favourite activities, that can make it cheaper.
Also look out for free or cheaper activities or invite other mums and DC round to yours?
It's hard because you have given up a wellpaid job to look after your child and presumably that means DH doesnt have to worry at all about childcare, just gets up and goes to work.
You maybe having some lovely days out but it can also be hard work depending on temperament of DC! And if course your career and future pension may take a hit.
So I think it should all be family money and you should have an equal say on how it's spent.
DH may like ( but not fully appreciate! ) that he doesn't have to worry about nursery runs or DC being ill and have any disruption to his work but he may also get a bit resentful of what he may consider as you having a relaxing and fun days out. Not being at work can get expensive and of course as I assume you jointly agreed that you would be a SAHM he should not get to dictate what you do.
But I think you have to sit down as a couple and work out a monthly budget, mortgage, utilities, savings, fun money etc
Then see if £250 a week is really affordable and if there are any savings to be made.
In reality most of us have to budget and lifestyles / expandable income generally take a hit after having DC.
You could also consider going back to work, hopefully even with nursery fees as a family financially you would be better off but I appreciate you may want to be at home with DC, and of course DH would have to do 50% of childcare, housework etc

£170k sounds like a lot but net pay is probably around £80/90k depending if he pays into a pension.
For a two adult & 1 child house that’s not a huge amount.. when you deduct mortgage and other expense.. I’m sure it wouldn’t leave him with £1k a month to spend on himself also.

I think when you are used to earning and spending what you like then when you are questioned on it the automatic response is to be defense and push back but £250 a week is a lot of money and probably not sustainable unless there’s other factors like you have no mortgage etc

Sorry, mistype. But I still dont think its terribly excessive and she needs to cover her arse and go back to work

It's so wasteful, children don't remember all the paid for activities. Unless parents are actively enjoying them, there is no need to be doing them every day.

@Righan I also don't think it's hugely excessive but would ask - how old is DC? Are they with you full time or also in nursery etc? And is it 170k gross? I think really it depends on your other expenses. Eg if DC also goes to paid childcare, if you have a huge mortgage etc then it's quite a lot to spend on fun and self care...however if you're sole carer full time then I can actually see how you could spend £35 a day VERY easily in today's world. We have a similar income to you, I do work but don't earn a huge amount but combined is similar and I calculated in summer hols (i was off work with 2 x DCs who are older i think than yours it sounds) but we easily spent £400 a week on activities (clubs) and food / trips out. I thought it was extortianate but it's what it cost and it wasn't extravagance. Admittedly mine are at school much of the time so I wasn't penny pinching and could have done it for less. Personally I would add it all up yourself and work out where the £250 goes. If you want to reduce it slightly look at what you are happy to sacrifice - not saying you should have to but for example I do my own nails now as can't justify the cost but I still have my hair done! And I started taking picnics out on our day trips almost always and saved a fortune. We just did this daily on holiday and calculated we saved £300 in one week by taking sandwiches over cafes. We still ate out 5 evenings and had coffees and cakes etc. Reining it in doesn't mean spending nothing but there are ways to reduce if you want to.