How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

I look very groomed. Always have. A haircut and pedicure every six weeks, nails every three, a decent skincare routine and regular make up top ups probably averages out at around £30/40 a week if you’re generous.

Exactly. If the OP normally earns £80k, it's not a case or her working 'just to pay nursery' like it effectively can end up being for lower earners (I know childcare is the responsibility of both parents, but when you're looking at household finances you still need to consider it as a marginal cost of one parent working or not). She earns a good salary, pension contributions and keeps her career going.

The cost of her not earning for however many years, on top of her lifestyle spending, will be far more than that of nursery.

And yes, this does sound suspiciously like the same poster who was spending £150 pw and it being 'not enough'. So she's now spending £250 pw and it's (likely rightly) causing tensions within the household.

Ok - add a £15 lunch once a week, a soft play, a coffee date, a regular class and an emergency Uber when running late - that brings you up to about £250 a month, probably more.

I'm not very groomed, I (don't) do my own nails, buy charity shop clothes/George and Asda. But - prices are high in this country, tax is high, salaries aren't that high. It looks a lot but isn't really.

I'm not sure you've quite understood though? Even adding in all the things you've said to that posters response your total is talking about monthly outgoings? The OP isn't spending £250 a month she's apparently spending that sum per week.

A toddler to "entertain"? This seems so strange to me. Toddlers don't need entertaining. They need fresh air, activities, painting, playing story time, care and attention. They're also fine being left to work things out themselves, how "to play", how to look at a picture book, how to talk to Teddy...build a den out of cushions etc etc. The more you "entertain " a toddler the more they lose the ability to do this. A lot of "entertaining " it seems to me is more about the adults being bored and lonely. Which is fair enough. When my kids were toddlers my "entertainment" would be hanging out with another mum for an hour or two sharing a coffee and a moan while our kids played at each others house, the park, play area in a cafe etc. £25 a week I guess on coffee and a cakes...keep it simple while they're toddlers, because teens are a whole different ball game!

If I was earning £170k I would probably be happy with my partner spending that on the kids and themself as long as everything else was good and we had savings ect. Yes it’s a lot compared to most, but if you’re pulling in big money and all your other expenses are covered then life is for the living. We do not make anywhere near this much, and we spend a lot of fun money. DH earns a lot more than me as I’m part a part time tutor, but basically all of my income is fun money. I have personal savings/investments that are mine so some of it goes to that, but most of what I earn goes on us doing fun things - especially while the kids are little.

I don’t think £250/ month is that excessive, but it sounds as if there’s more to this. What is his overall attitude to his income? What does it get spent on/ used for? Is it “joint” money, or just “his”, with him giving you an allowance? Be very careful about becoming overly reliant on his income, because that’s a supply that can stop overnight. I’d genuinely recommend that you return to work, however much it goes against the grain. Financial abuse is far more common than people realise, and it’s important that women (in particular) ensure that they are financially independent of their partner.

But we were addressing the cost of “grooming”. It doesn’t come close to £250 a week. Nor does a £15 lunch, a £10 coffee date or a £20 Uber.

I don’t think £250/ month is that excessive

You've also misunderstood it's not £250 a month it's £250 a week.

Oh, missed that. £250 a month would be completely reasonable.

and the £7,600 didn't account for student loan, healthcare etc. If he has a student loan (which is likely if he earns that sort of money and has a young child) then he's losing the £600 straight away on student loan repayments.

I was expecting that to include your weekly shop but it doesn’t.😳

Nope it's not you misunderstanding lovely. Lots of those arguing yours and others posts and trying to make this man out to be some sort of controlling monster and saying it's reasonable sum to spend seem to be missing the key difference and think it's monthly which indeed would be very reasonable.

It’s not 170k though… he has to pay tax on that. Then presumably you mortgage, bills, cars ect ect!

But when kids are little you can have heaps of fun at very little cost!
Mine enjoyed swimming, playgrounds, painting at home, imaginary games at home, "adventure walks" around the local area, puddle jumping ... The odd expensive day out is nice but generally I found mine loved the simple days best

How about suggesting you split the money into different budgets. I find the amount some women spend on hair/nails/make up/clothes etc crazy expensive. Maybe a budget for the kids related expenditure and a budget for your personal expenditure would help.

Yes this sounds sensible.
That's what I do for myself. I pay myself a bit of pocket money for clothes etc, pay what's needed into the joint account and the rest goes into savings /investments

And hopefully they would agree her husband should get equal "pocket money" to spend on himself.

I think it needs to be split into personal spending and what is spent on your DC.

DH and I earn about 90k total between us, after bills, food etc are accounted for we get £200/month into our personal accounts to do what we want with. DD spending comes out the joint account.

So maybe add up your hair, nails, personal spends and decide on an amount that you move out of the main account each month for that purpose. Sometimes it's just seeing all the transactions that makes a person freak out a bit but one lump sum is easier to rationalise.

I agree with this. Op gets a personal budget, DH gets a budget and there's a budget for "fun" spends during the week with DC etc

"We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!"

I also find this concerning.

I've known a number of people (mostly, but not all, men) who think that by flogging themselves to death and working all the hours god sends, they are being a good partner and parent and providing for their family. It results in them being absent, unappreciated and eventually unwanted Not a good setup.

YABU. Go back to work and earn your own money.

You don't get a trophy at the end of your life for being a martyr and forgoing all luxuries. £250 isn't loads, especially if the odd bit of maintenance botox is desired occasionally. Life isn't supposed to be treated as some sort of self-enforced penance. For some reason I can imagine you sat in the rain,on a step outside of a church hall, eating your soggy sandwiches with hair having seen better days.

Ok, I haven't been paying attention! Sorry!

Hair & nails look more expensive to get done where I live - assuming the OP is in the South East it will be even more.

A friend in New York has to pay $40 an hour for after-school clubs whereas I have to pay £7.25. Costs for labour-intensive services vary a lot depending on where you live.

On feminist grounds it's a shame that higher-earning women are leaving the workforce in this way.

Since people increasingly live a long way from family and lifelong friends, it does cost money to have a social life. We should be realistic about that.

I hope the OP and their partner resolve things xxx

This exact post with same income and spends was posted before. Just search the posts if you are a new/genuine poster which I’m sure you will say you are.

Also, being a trophy wife seems far more appealing to me than spending my days dragging my kids along to free, dull events at church halls, letting my roots grow as my hubby is counting every penny and enduring my hubby quibbling over things he can certainly afford.