How much would you expect to spend weekly if your DH earned this?

[Righan]

DH earns around 170k.

I gave up work (well paid also, around 80k) to look after dc. I was used to spending what I wanted when I was working.

i have access to the money, that’s not the issue.

I spend around 250 a week for me a one dc for our activities, getting my hair done (not every week for that but an example), nails, lunch, soft play, farms, zoo, or whatever. Our other expenses like food and petrol are on top of this. We do online shop.

DH can’t understand how I get through this and wants me to rein it in. I think it’s hugely stingy given his income. We are comfortable. AIBU? We only really see him at weekends and part of me feels he should have no say in what we do to get through the week!!

There is a middle ground between free activities/flasks of coffee vs spending £1000/month on toddler activities and a beauty regime.

I live in the SE, in a pricey area. Even if I spend as below, it only gets to £300 a month on self care.

Nails - 40
Hair - 60 (120/8 weeks)
Facial - 150
Botox - 50 (300/6 months)

Add one lunch out per week (I don't because I work) at £50/week to be generous.

That would still mean OP is spending £500 a month for all the other zoo, farm, soft play, coffees etc. No child needs to do an expensive trip out every single day. A few days at home and some lower cost activities mixed in along with keeping some of the big days out so that dad can join too at weekends means less expenditure during the week. Maybe if the dad is there for some of the fun days out, it might be a bit less galling than feeling he slogs all week to pay for things they aren't getting to do with their child.

Of course it is less than nursery would cost. However, the way you are spending that money isn’t helping you - you have given up work to look after your child: are you planning on returning to the workplace when DC goes to school?
Ideally, your DH should be paying into a pension for you while you are not working, and should also be compensating you to the tune of “nursery fees”, although maybe less than the actual cost of those, which you should be saving for your future, not frittering away!
You need to sit down with him, and work out a plan for ensuring that you don’t suffer later in life for taking a career break now, agree savings Etc. and plan weekly spending for DC. Your hair and nail costs could be taken out of your “nursery fees” if necessary.
If he doesn’t like the idea of compensating you for your childcare, then think seriously about returning to work, and split the nursery fees between you based on what you each earn!

This is pretty reflective of my experience of marrying a high earner although I think you’re brave posting that on here as the Mumsnet hive all seem to be high earners that don’t spend a penny on beauty! I also attend a spa day once a month!

The majority of the women I know get hair extensions and Botox! I wouldn’t say out of the ordinary at all.

I always find it interesting on threads like these where posters claim to be very high earners but also claim this kind of stuff is vanity and they would never spend the money on it. My DH works in finance and his job is very heavily male dominated. The majority of his colleagues have set ups similar to us (working husband, SAHM) and they all have similar grooming routines. I know there are some who spend so much more with monthly very expensive laser co2 facials.

Our friendship circle contains similar high earners and I think the only woman I know that doesn’t have an expensive routine grooming routine is a doctor in a hospital. But everyone I know spends a decent amount of money on their skin and hair.

I find this absolutely fascinating that all these high earning men have ended up with wives who are so focussed on their appearance. Were they all high earners before meeting these wives? Or did they select high maintenance wives to massage their egos? Or are the wives desperately trying to stay young looking to try and prevent their wealthy husbands roaming? I do think it is incredibly vain and makes me feel slightly nauseous that people spend this amount on their looks, but leaving that aside, the psychology of this dynamic is intriguing to me.

Equally interesting is that the only woman who doesn't have an expensive routine is the one who earns the money for herself. Suggests to me she has a better grasp on how hard it is to earn money and how easy it is to lose it. I spend a reasonable amount on myself, but cannot imagine spending money that someone else has had to work for like it is water, however joint the household budget might be.

How do you define "high earner" though? I'd consider my DH a high earner, and there's no way we could afford a lifestyle like that. We're very comfortable, but we don't have that kind of cash spare. It doesn't reflect what I know of his colleagues either.

Where have you got that the only woman who earns money for herself doesn’t have a routine? She’s the only woman who has a job working 70+ hours a week. I know many other woman who earn very good money themselves. My best friend is a dentist, the other a barrister. They just don’t spend all day running around in hospitals. The majority of my friends are women who all work and spend a lot of time on skincare and hair care.

Do you judge all SAHM’s or just ones who are the partners of high earners? Is there a cut off point where money should stop being spent? I met my husband at university. When I met him he moved into my student flat that I was paying the rent on, he had no money. We were a partnership and I supported him financially and now he supports me. I have completed the LPC and whilst I have never practised and probably will never return to working I could if I needed to. I imagine we all have high maintenance routines because the money is there. I didn’t have this routine when we didn’t have this money… it’s really that simple. My husband probably spends 3 times what I spend on myself a month. Do you judge him too? Or is it okay because he’s going out to work?

I'm surprised at some of the answers - spending 250 p/w is not a problem in 170k a year income.

It's obvious partly dependent on your social circle. There are clearly women who do live like this but it certainly isn't true to say it's the norm if you have a higher household income (and certainly not with a whole household income of £170k like the OP has).

Our total household income is between £500-£600k per annum gross (varies year on year since we are lawyers). I work very part time now. I am generally regarded as very "groomed" in that I have good hair, wear full make up every day, always have well manicured nails etc.

I paint my own nails, I pluck my own eyebrows, I use revitalash for my eyelashes so don't need eyelash extensions, my hair is done once every two months and costs £150. I use olaplaex at home (massive bottle lasts about a year and is about £130).

I take nmn collagen etc so thats about £40 a month. I use snail mucin, liquid gold, vitamin c serum, medik8 retinoid and peptides which add up to probably about £500 a year. I get baby botox every six months which costs £130 each time.

It's nowhere near £1000 a month.

I think the OP is getting over excited by the fact that her husband's headline pre tax salary sounds high. If she thinks of it more in terms of as a household they have (probably) £7000 coming in net every month and they have to pay for everything out of that then she might calm down a bit. It is still a lot of money but it isn't vast wealth

He brings home approx 9k a month after paying into both of our pensions plus a large quarterly bonus. That poster says she spends approx £500 a month on her beauty routine and I said I spend the same. My husband spends that on golf alone.

I don’t count £170k as a high household income if it’s from a sole earner. Our household income is £120k from two earners and our joint take home pay is only around £800 less then take home from a sole earners £170k income. I do spend some money on myself, like a massage every couple of months and a few spa days each year, but nothing close to what OP is spending. For us it’s more important to put money into paying off the mortgage, long term savings and decent savings for DCs future, holidays, family experiences, DCs activities. I don’t think DH would be too happy if I spent so much money on myself each month on beauty treatments and lunches.

It may not seem like a lot of money to some but we really are talking to people in the top few percent of household income

always fascinating how little they acknowledge their incredible riches

You can't "take advantage" if it is your money.

I used to take out food for the kids. Not that I couldn't afford a cafe but dd2 was so fussy she never liked anything or would take a bite and waste the rest. Funnily enough she does the same with her own ds but could afford to buy out

The OP is not just spending the 250 p/w moneys on herself, It includes soft play, zoo and activities with their son.

Considering her DH yearly income, he's being a tight arse asking her to reign in average expenditure for this income bracket.

The OP only sees her DH on weekends. It'd be interesting to know where the income is accounted for. .

A grand a month on basically fuck all! I can understand why he’d be pissed, you’re frittering a lot of money away!

Lol I'd say hair extensions are pretty ordinary. Although I don't have them myself.

I cba to spend hours in salons getting stuff done and the hairdresser for a head full of foils? I'm twitchy before the foils are all in never mind the waiting time and cbd after

I do have spm ( eyebrows, eyeliner and lip blush) but that's only needed topping up ever 18 months or so and I get it down as a training model ( the tutor does me to demonstrate to students) and costs about £50

I recently had a 5 in 1 electrical facial for £20. These things are nice but much of the time I'm too busy to take time out of my day for them

£7000 net income (assuming he has 10% pension and also student loan repayments) for a family is not massively high. It is a good household income but they are not vastly wealthy.

Attempting to spend your way out of boredom... Better to pop the child in nursery for a few days a week and go back to work. Probably more stability for the child too, rather than being dragged around indoor entertainment places and nail bars.

I always find it interesting on threads like these where posters claim to be very high earners but also claim this kind of stuff is vanity and they would never spend the money on it

This is me - both my DH and I are high earners. I get my hair cut whenever I get round to it, so about twice a year. I don’t dye my greys, don’t get my nails done. Find facials and all that kind of beauty stuff boring (and think it is a bit of a con).
My moisturiser is Vaseline body cream and my make up is BareMinerals. I dress well and buy clothes that suit me but they are all high street brands.
We can afford it but I don’t find any value in it.

We all have different things that we value - I guess I find it interesting that people spend money and time on this kind of stuff.

Spending a grand a month on this income is more than reasonable. Obviously it depends on mortgage repayments and nursery costs, but without knowing them, 250 p.w expenditure for a woman leaving a high paid job to look after, and pay essentials for their son, is not only reasonable, but cheap.

That’s not even close. Even if he took it all as cash he’d only take home 100k.

If he pays 50k into a pension he’d take home 75k meaning she’s spending more like 20% of their entire net income on her week to week bits.

Take off mortgage and bills and she’ll likely be spending not far off 50% of their remaining income on her week to week stuff.

Pretty rude. Tbf I am not a high earner at all, I earn £32k a year and I spend probably around £300 a month on pampering myself. I love it, it’s definitely my hobby. Nothing to do with my husband, I don’t think he’d notice if my lashes were done or not. I imagine if I earnt more I would spend way more!

@Righan
Yearly Monthly
Gross salary £170,000 £14,166.67

ncome Tax £62,703 £5,225.25

National Insurance £5,410.60 £450.88

Take home pay £101,886.40 £8,490.53

a take home pay of £101,886.40 is not that much more than what you were earning and off that there is the mortgage which I presume might be quite high, council tax (again high) food holidays pensions savings etc etc/ you are overspending by quite a lot on frivolous things,

It’s c£100k but will be less than that as he will be making pension contributions. He is paying £70k in tax and ni.