AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

[Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie]

DD has just started at secondary school and one of her good friends Ella from primary has started at a different school, which is walking distance to her house.
Dd's friend missed a huge amount of school after covid for various reasons to the point where her attendance in year 6 was less than 50%.
Ella has frequently admitted to DD and others she has told her parents she is ill/tired/anxious so she doesn't have to go to school. DD and her other friends have been quite shocked by this and I think one of her parents haven't challenged her as they wfh so don't have childcare issues.
Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'. She appeared to be perfectly find when video calling DD at 8pm last night! I feel really sad that this girl is missing out on an important transition and missing the opportunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. I imagine the school attendance officer will be on her case soon enough though.
So, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with Ella's parents for essentially not parenting! I think I will find it difficult not to say something when our paths next cross.

Why can’t your children see their friends? Do you not invite them round for dinner or a film, to give your kids interaction with their friends?

Do you encourage your kids to hide their illness? How strange. I’d be encouraging mine to be open about it. Nothing to be ashamed of and people can’t help or empathise if they don’t know. Hiding it by telling friends they’re “tired” isn’t going to help people understand.

Yes we do invite friends over. But friends are also at school and doing after school things so it is hard to arrange and my kids aren’t as fun for their friends as they once were. My eldest doesn’t have the energy to socialise much so very hard to limit it to avoid him having a crash and saying to friends who really want to see them ‘just stay for an hour’ - they can’t be themselves with their friends and that is very hard.
In terms of explaining / try being a 10 or 13 yr old boy and explaining autoimmune encephalitis to other 10 and 13 yr old boys. They try to explain as best they can - but no one but specialists and others who have been through it will truly understand the impact. And explaining it and people understanding and not judging anyway are two very different things.

So glad I haven't encountered people like you in real life.

If his is a regular occurrence school will already know and the family won't need you to be one of those parents. You don't have a clue what is going on for the family. Your daughter is a friend how do you suppose her and her friend are going to feel if they find out you've interfered. Not only could it ruin their friendship it could very likely open up your daughter for bullying if her friend feels you've interfered especially if it leads to problem like social services involvement

My DS’s attendance was below 50% last school year. He’s also not gone to school this first week back.

I would really resent an outsider deciding they feel frustrated about it and then actually pulling me up on it.

Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'.

Child abuse? She missed one day of school.

Why say anything to another parent? I guarantee they have already had multiple letters from the primary school saying how they are an amazingly shit parent and that even if their child is ill they have to be in school every day. Within about 2 weeks she will start getting them from the secondary school.

Either the parent does care, is struggling and doing the best they can and getting these letters is devastating, or the parent doesn't care, in which case no amount of letters or random other parent comments is going to make any difference.

I am with Ticky and tacky. You sound concerned about the child. If I was in your position I would also be worried.

How well do you know the mum? Could you offer to meet up for a coffee, ask if she’s aware her DD texts at 2am and that’s likely the reason she’s exhausted, maybe ask if there’s anything you can help with, maybe take her out at the weekend or something (the child not the mum)….
or you can take the attitude I now take … I’ll report any issues (like when my DD tells me there’s a nude of a student being sent around)… but generally as long as there’s no risk of harm to a child I adopt the attitude that it’s not my monkey, not my zoo…. I’d go insane if I tried to parent everyone else’s child as well as my own. And soooo many kids are sadly struggling these days.

I get why you’re annoyed , really I do , however , the bottom line is that it is absolutely none of your business how this family parent their child . There may well be something going on with this child that u are not aware of . Stay out of it .

It’s none of your business

School refusal is very difficult to manage.
You have so little information I’m surprised you’re posting.

Think your getting a harsh time of it on here OP. But also don't get involved. That is the schools job.
Opinions on this probably differ depending on what type of area you are. I am from a lower income area so have witnessed many of my old school friends and children my DD age, who's parents actually didn't care if they went to school or not. The parents never worked so they accept the path of least resistance as they don't value education themselves. This doesn't sound like your DD's friends parents if they are working themselves.
There are also the kids that are so badly bullied that school churns them up and they can't face it so will say anything to get out of it.
I had issues getting my DD to school since she started secondary. It was a nightmare. She would be screaming crying in the morning complaining of various hurt. I was as harsh as I could be to try and get her to school, realising there is no way that someone generally healthy would be ill this often. Took her to the Dr to rule anything out. I would get her to go in but then the school would phone me to collect. Following multiple calls and messages from my DD while I am trying to work. The easiest option for all our sanity was for her to stay home. But managed to keep her attendance over mid 80% but it really has took a toll over the years. Worth the pain as she got decent GCSE results this year, but totally understand why some well meaning parents can get broken down by this never ending routine and tears

So why didn’t you mention it in the OP?

Poster's on here keep on commenting about the mental load and how they have to think of everything yet you have made up in your something which you know nothing about and have no idea what is going on in their lives you only think you know

It is none of your business and you saying something is only being done so you can make yourself feel better basically, she os not your child if you have a genuine concern call social services or the police

The op backtracked and then shuffled off.
OP not least bit concerned about the child.
This is all about her beef with the parents, probably the mother, of the child.
Case in point… the Op reported the parents to the school for the fact her daughter received messages as 2am from their daughter. Who does that?? Goes straight to the school rather than either just blocking messages on your child’s phone between the hours of, let’s say, 8-8!

Ditto!

We all know families like this. What you do is you don’t say anything judgey, you ask the parents how everything is going, you be kind to the child and ask how they are (children have so little agency), you keep your child friends with them, you remind your child school isn’t optional and list all the benefits.

The school deals with attendance, they do it all day long for loads of kids, they’ll know what’s going on.

Then it’s up to you if you want to speculate and gossip about it all in private.

My Mum always said ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything’. As I’ve got older, I am not sure this always hold true - but in the situation you describe- I think it really does.

It's not your place to say it, anything you do say won't be taken well I doubt. You risk ruining your daughters friendship with the girl if her parents say they can't talk anymore. Just have a talk with your child to say it's not right etc so she doesn't try to follow suit.

You don’t really know what’s going on behind the scenes though. If “tired” is just wagging school because she doesn’t want to go and the parents don’t care then yes that’s awful but it’s not your place to say anything.
How do you know she’s not under the care of camhs and suffering from severe anxiety? It can be very difficult getting a child in to school under those circumstances, I know personally - and the child is fine in their safe space at home.
the school won’t put up with her staying home and will work with the family.
i had to drag my child in (not literally), she would stay as long as she could then I would be called in to take her home.
it was a very very dark time for all of us. Treatment with anti anxiety drugs saved school and ended panic attacks/ocd she was sufffering from along with an adhd diagnosis and help with that which was a serious Issue- she’s at university now.
are you friendly with her parents? If so I guess they’ll have told you about any issues.
So - things are not always as they seem and the school will be on it within a week or two because they won’t allow non attendance for any reason.

You are not being unreasonable. However, it's not your problem.

She's very likely to continue missing school (especially as she has missed some of the first week). This will affect her grades, friendships and outcomes for life.

Unless you think there's s genuine safeguarding issue, there's nothing you can do other than feel very glad that your child happily attends school.

This is a good point, although sounds like OP was woth her child using the phone.

Mind your own business you have no idea what challenges may be going on with Ella that she is not speaking about to your daughter

So what business is it of yours. How ridiculous. Please find something tangible to be frustrated over.