AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

[Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie]

DD has just started at secondary school and one of her good friends Ella from primary has started at a different school, which is walking distance to her house.
Dd's friend missed a huge amount of school after covid for various reasons to the point where her attendance in year 6 was less than 50%.
Ella has frequently admitted to DD and others she has told her parents she is ill/tired/anxious so she doesn't have to go to school. DD and her other friends have been quite shocked by this and I think one of her parents haven't challenged her as they wfh so don't have childcare issues.
Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'. She appeared to be perfectly find when video calling DD at 8pm last night! I feel really sad that this girl is missing out on an important transition and missing the opportunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. I imagine the school attendance officer will be on her case soon enough though.
So, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with Ella's parents for essentially not parenting! I think I will find it difficult not to say something when our paths next cross.

Stay out of it OP and let the welfare officer do their job. You have zero idea what’s going on right now.

I feel that it is perfectly appropriate to report this as a safeguarding issue to the school so that they can be on her attendance from day one. They should treat it confidentially and you can emphasise that it must not get to the family that anything came from you. It's one thing to say that it's a family matter, but when poor parenting affects a child's life outcomes and right to education I think that it's appropriate to involve safeguarding.

You don't know all the details of their family life, this is just being a busybody.

The girl has attended (or rather not) for ONE day

Seems unanimous so far that I am being unreasonable, so will obviously be saying anything the Ella's parents.
I don't suspect abuse at all. Just concern that an 11 year old can be on their phone all night.

And? Upshot?

you didn’t want to raise this with her parents before charging in to the school?

ok so be honest… what’s your beef with the parents op?

So? The OP knows that she has a track record of non-attendance, knows that on the girl's account she is not always ill when she stays off school, that she was calling her DD that evening seemingly with no symptoms of illness, and suspects that the parents are facilitating the girl staying off when she does not need to. These are safeguarding concerns. You do not have to have cast iron evidence to report, or know for certain that there is something wrong. Modern safeguarding training makes clear that it is appropriate to report all concerns even if they are just that - concerns that could have an innocent explanation. Reporting of all low level concerns allows the safeguarding team to build up a picture that can be acted on before a serious incident occurs.

So it’s the phone usage that’s the issue? Not attendance?

I can understand you're shocked at a child not going to school and that they were still awake at 2am. Be grateful you are not experiencing the same difficulties.

It's likely a very complex and difficult situation. Ella telling her friends she tells her parents she's unwell or too tired etc is almost certainly not the whole truth.

My child missed a lot of school. She was in an autistic burnout which was terrifying to experience and at times I genuinely feared for her life. I'm not going to go in to specific detail but she would have told friends she was too tired for school (not sleeping for 48 hours due to emotional disregulation will do that to a person). She would have been up at 2am and be lonely (due to the aforementioned not sleeping). She would chat to some friends online - but could not have managed to see them face to face or leave the house. There was also a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes.

On the face of it she might have seemed just like Ella does to you. If someone had decided to tell me I wasn't parenting, in the midst of our despair, I'd have probably reached the point of decking them.

I don't know if this is the case with Ella or there is something else going on. The point is neither do you and therefore hold your judgement. It's not your business.

There's a big difference between reporting a safeguarding concern and itching to 'say something' to the parents. Which actually just sounds like wanting them to justify it to you so you have all the details.

You have zero understanding of mental health or the incredibly stressful impact of school refusal on families

My daughter was a very severe school refuser for two years..she isnautistic but you would not know or understand the complex reasons for her inability to cope unless you knew her well

I actually feel sickened by your judgement if thia family. What a child tells a friend is not the heart of school refusal. Or of mental health difficulties

How a child is with a friend has zero relevance to their ability to cope in school

My child is now back full time in school but I would never ever judge any family in that position

It was one of the worst experiences of my life when she was missing so much school so your judgement is thr last thing the family needs

The idea of you saying something ?? Are you serious ? Er excuse me I've noticed your child is struggling with her ability to cope with school snd id like to make a completely ill informed and judgemental comment to you about that

The school will be well aware of the child's needs and problems

Why didn’t you have your own child’s phone downstairs or in some other way out of their bedroom at 2am.

and if you did, what’s the issue?

Dd had a friend like this. Mum didn’t work so she would always be off school if tired but then she’d be hanging in the park until 10pm with friends the same day. She’d also be Snapchatting to dd at 2am in year 9 and DD’s phone would be lighting up all night (downstairs on the docking station). Her mum once said to me in year 8 “you just can’t stop them messaging and using their phones all night can you?(girly giggle)” and I think my wtf face appeared and we moved the conversation on. Dd will tell me I’m stricter than her (now ex) friend’s mum but it shows I care. After years of friendship dd can see that the friend is being allowed to self destruct her life. She’s unlikely to pass GCSEs. Her mum tells her not to do homework as it’s tiring. They are 14 ffs.

anyway, the result is a fall out between the girls but reality is they’re going in different directions and grew out of each other. Telling a lazy parent to parent better is never going to be successful.

I'd leave it OP, chances are your DD will make new friends at her new school and the time/friendship spent with Ella will become less as they move on.

Where I would take issue though is with her contacting your own DD at all hours via phone. Either talk to her parents and ask them to tell Ella to stop or, which will probably be the solution, get your DD to leave her phone outside of her room or better still turn it off at night.

What would you actually plan on doing. Do you suspect shes being abused. If you're going by what your daughter says id keep my mouth shut. Its nothing to do with you.

This could easily be my child. She is in autistic burn out. Trying to get external agencies involved is exhausting and you knock on doors and get sign posted to a website which has nothing you’re not already trying.

Yes, it's the phone usage at 2am that I see as the issue - the non school attendance is possibly a knock on effect of this - I probably should have clarified this in my OP.
I take on board what people are saying and clearly there are other issues at play.

People are offering endless excuses for this family, when it is plain and simple shit parenting to let an 11 be on their phone at 2am on a school night. <Gavel emoji>

You made zero mention of it op

The phone usage, given that is now your concern, is something you speak to her parents about to ask them to impose a deadline to messages in the evening

not the school

I can practically smell the smoke from the backpedaling

You are hearing third hand through your child the reasons why Ella isn't going to school. This does not mean you know exactly what is going on in that household. Ella is either lying to her parents or her friends. Why do you assume you know which one it is? And what's with the 'i think one of the parents is letting her stay home because she wfh'. That sounds like pure speculation on your part.
If he attendance is that low the school will absolutely be dealing with it. Let them figure this out, it's none of your business.

Or just silence your daughters notifications and have phone out of bedroom overnight

Fortunately the threshold isn't something as lay people we need to be concerned with. All we need to do if we're in any way concerned about a child is to make the report. The authorities then decide at what point a suspicion needs to become THEIR business. No need for the public to go off on a frolic of their own confronting one another, or asking the opinions of other lay people whether a situation they know very little about, involving people they don't know, might be abuse or neglect.