AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

[Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie]

DD has just started at secondary school and one of her good friends Ella from primary has started at a different school, which is walking distance to her house.
Dd's friend missed a huge amount of school after covid for various reasons to the point where her attendance in year 6 was less than 50%.
Ella has frequently admitted to DD and others she has told her parents she is ill/tired/anxious so she doesn't have to go to school. DD and her other friends have been quite shocked by this and I think one of her parents haven't challenged her as they wfh so don't have childcare issues.
Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'. She appeared to be perfectly find when video calling DD at 8pm last night! I feel really sad that this girl is missing out on an important transition and missing the opportunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. I imagine the school attendance officer will be on her case soon enough though.
So, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with Ella's parents for essentially not parenting! I think I will find it difficult not to say something when our paths next cross.

Keep quiet.

They are ones that will be lumbered with an unemployable teenager.🙄

Never ever comment on the way parents bring up their children.

The real question is… why do both of these children have access to their phones at 8pm on a school night??

I only got irritated with parents in similar situations when they were on the group WhatsApp chats slating the school as shit for trying to set work and then slating because their child fell behind. Parents make choices for lots of reasons but also need to be aware that there might be varying consequences.

Oh FFS

It is problematic, yes. This was me as a child. It was because my mum couldn’t cope with parenting. She eventually just stopped taking me to school because she found it too overwhelming to get me up and dressed and fed and drive me there. She’d just get up and go to work and I’d wake up to an empty house. I was 10/11 at the time.

Private school, late 80s, no one ever came asking what happened to me. She must have told them we moved or something and no one followed it up. I missed a year of school. Really she needed support, but no one wanted to ask the hard questions and I don’t think she wanted to deal with anything. She is still running from her issues and she’s in her mid 70s now.

Yes, the family needs support and intervention. Yes, the school is almost certainly aware of it. It’s probably much more complex than it looks from the outside. My mum claimed I was ‘faking illness’ too, but there was a lot more going on. Best your dd can do is to be a good supportive friend to her and hopefully encourage her. Once I actually got back into school (a new school), I did really well and found a lot of support. Hopefully that will be the case for Ella too.

Honestly? I can understand being a bit taken aback BUT I think you can only get cross if it affects your own child. Should Ella suggest that your daughter also stays off to do XYZ or tell her that it is very important that she takes her calls late in the evening. If this doesn’t happen then I’d leave it to the school and parents to deal with.

Re the video calls at 8pm and voice notes at 2am - I’d have a time when your daughter’s phone gets taken off her for the evening. It isn’t outrageous to tell the parents that you’d rather Ella didn’t call or message after 7:30pm (say) because you don’t want your daughter to start going through messages first thing in the morning before school.

Yes we've been through similar, I totally feel your pain Stressedoutmum79 If a child decides to refuse to go to school you can't actually make them, and if they are not willing to engage with help, there's not much you can do except keep trying to help them feel better. With some ND kids, consequences and being strict and getting cross do nothing, or make it worse.

And one of the hardest parts of it all is people assuming you are a permissive/wishy-washy/useless parent or lazy and don't give a shit. And you have to suck that up. Of course, there are parents who really are like that too - but you don't know.

Yes it is.

If I was Ella’s parent I would definitely want to know that she’s lying to me to get out of school and bragging about it to her friends. I’d say to the mum ‘I’m just telling you this because I’d want to know if it was my child telling people this etc etc’.

As a school attendance person in a previous life I can see both sides. There are children who have serious anxiety surrounding school attendance. However, in my experience many of these ‘issues’ are not helped by their parents. So often I have seen parents’ anxiety projected onto their children. This has resulted in ongoing problems and increasing issues surrounding attendance, friendships and long term difficulties. It is really frustrating as sometimes (though of course not always) these problems can be overcome by the parent stepping up and actually parenting their children. I remember as a child (and as a parent of a child with serious medical issues) that the easy way out is not to attend school. However that rarely solves the problem. In fact I have seen that it often/nearly always exacerbates it.
Having said all that, it is not your business. Concentrate on your own child and encourage good attendance. It can be a struggle at times I know but it’s worth it. My dc thank me for it now.

You will find it difficult to not make a comment lead by what you judge of a situation from an outsider point of view?

Please review the example you want to set for your daughter.

School refusal is a very complex issue , believe you me !
They will definitely have a visit from Education welfare dept to find out why .

I feel for you I really do x I have experienced the same .
and felt unsupported too

This is how child abuse is perpetuated

Id say nothing to the parents.. just keep to your daughter and tell her what the boundaries are ..
Phone switched off at set times etc .
There could be more going on with her health as long as you are aware she is safe i wouldnt involve yourself.

In short it’s not your business. You’re judging these parents & as a family on information from your daughter, and then you’re hearing it second hand from her. If you’re really concerned, show this family some kindness and do something to help, instead of posting about them on here. Unless you’ve had a child with anxiety, you couldn’t begin to understand the enormity of it, how it presents itself, and how it affects all
aspects of family life. People just don’t send their kids to school bcoz they can’t be bothered, they’ll be more to this situation, you’ve just never been told what, and that’s bcoz they either don’t know you well enough, or they don’t think they can trust you with this info.

I’d argue that the responsible thing to do is for the OP to teach her own DD good tech ‘hygiene’ by ensuring her notifications etc are off at times when she doesn’t want disturbed.

I’m certainly not advocating for children messaging at 2am, but we all need to be able to set our own tech boundaries instead of expecting others to anticipate them

Keep your nose out and mouth shut absolutely nothing at all to do with you, it doesn't affect you or your daughter in any way you just want to feel superior.

I've been a parent to a child like Ella, and let me tell you , it is a very stressful, lonely, horrible place to be, I had so called friends judge my parenting, we tried bribes, threats, removing privileges, rewarding school attendance, private therapy, there were tears and tantrums from both or us, and I was working full time from home, and all I could think about was my child.
So please, stop judging, you have no idea what's going on, try being supportive.

She could have autoimmune encephalitis - it is a post infectious neuro immune condition that can cause the body to attack the basal ganglia (please look up PANS/ PANDAS). It leads to all manner of hard to understand (from the outside) symptoms including behaviour issues, movement, fatigue, emotional lability, oppositional defiance… it is caused by an infection in the brain and becoming more common post covid, as covid creates holes in the blood brain barrier. It is also very hard to get diagnosed and hardly
recognised by the NHS, although this is changing hopefully. She could have long covid and therefore not be able to attend due to fatigue and the many many other messed up bodily processes that can happen with this condition, including insomnia that is a result of physiological processes going wrong, and nothing at all to do with bad parenting. Parents and kids don’t tend to broadcast these things and people would rather infer and form opinions than ask and hear something they don’t want to hear or can’t be bothered to understand. Ask me how I know… I dare you. You are being very unreasonable. Be kind.

My DC is ND and so tired of masking, unfortunately hasn't gone back to school, having missed the last two weeks of term. She would never admit this to her friends, so would likely say something similar to your DD's friend.
We're making some progress, but the school are backing us and taking things gently as she's intelligent and was already working beyond some of her peers, so she won't fall behind.
It's really bloody hard watching her fall apart, but be cheery and engaging to hers friends on video calls.
Please don't say anything. If anyone, not in the know, said something to me, it would likely tip me over the edge.
Do I want her to be in school? Absolutely! She had almost perfect attendance prior to the burnout and then school refusal. But her mental health and wellbeing is much more important than her education at this stage.
Just giving you another side of thw story which you may not be privy to.

This is a joke right? You seriously didn't send school a message about this......

Did half the idiots replying to this post actually read it? She specifically says Ella tells the other children she makes it all up to get out of going to school. There’s nothing hidden or more complex than that.

Thank you.
In same boat. Y11 son with ebsa. He wouldn't tell his friends why he wasnt there etc. Last 2 years have been the hardest ever.. he is now doing some online learning but you and your son have given me hope. Thank you 😊
And im sure people think im a shit parent but doing best for my son.