AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

[Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie]

DD has just started at secondary school and one of her good friends Ella from primary has started at a different school, which is walking distance to her house.
Dd's friend missed a huge amount of school after covid for various reasons to the point where her attendance in year 6 was less than 50%.
Ella has frequently admitted to DD and others she has told her parents she is ill/tired/anxious so she doesn't have to go to school. DD and her other friends have been quite shocked by this and I think one of her parents haven't challenged her as they wfh so don't have childcare issues.
Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'. She appeared to be perfectly find when video calling DD at 8pm last night! I feel really sad that this girl is missing out on an important transition and missing the opportunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. I imagine the school attendance officer will be on her case soon enough though.
So, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with Ella's parents for essentially not parenting! I think I will find it difficult not to say something when our paths next cross.

Yes, you are being entirely unreasonable. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I can understand your concern but my Dd attendance dropped in year 5 due to anxiety it was still almost 90% and I have struggled getting her in this week due to anxiety but she has been all week. I quit my job before the summer so I could get a handle on this.

I am just waiting it out for a while longer to start looking for a job it’s been very very difficult and I believe I parent well.

Sure she does. Because a young teenager is going to be entirely honest about her mental health struggles with her friends.

Walk a mile in their shoes..until you have done that how can it frustrate you.
My teen has school anxiety and it's the hardest thing to deal with...as you're made to feel you're the only ones.
It was one of his 'friends' that made school unbearable.. as 'Dave's' parents worked out my son's attendance percentage and told Dave that my son would get in trouble and I would get a letter from the council....Dave's helpful parents made our lives a nightmare:( dont be Dave's parent to poor Ella and family.

How do you know what another child’s attendance percentage was🤔 unless Ella’s mum told you,in which case she is very much aware of the amount of school her child is missing

Just because a teen seems ok when speaking with her friends doesn’t actually mean she is ok other way . Anxiety in children and teens can be awful when away from their comfort and safe place

The school will clamp down on this. My daughter’s attendance dropped to 84% last year and they dragged us over the coals for this and rightly so. Our daughter was refusing to go in. She is as big as me and I can’t exactly carry her in under my arm. The school were brilliant in the end with us and offered great pastoral support and I’m hoping this year she has better attendance. She was going through some proper crap. I wouldn’t say anything to the parents if I were you but rest assured it won’t go unnoticed by her secondary school.

You are being unreasonable and judgmental with zero knowledge of the situation or how anxiety works. She is unlikely to admit to her peers she has a school avoidance/phobia so has told them she is faking. It's also none of your business

I think people are being quite harsh with you on this thread. Yes, you're feeling judgmental without all the facts, but there's clearly something not great going on in that family - either overly permissive parenting or an issue with the daughter that you don't know about, or something else going on.

There is such a thing as educational neglect under UK law. If a parent doesn't make sure their child attends school regularly, then this can constitute neglect on their part. However, the school will have the attendance data, so I don't think it's your place to report anything.

If you are genuinely concerned (rather than just judgmental), then you could try to speak to the parents in a non-critical way, but it's probably unlikely to bring out a positive reaction in them. Most likely, they will get defensive. I think staying in your lane is probably the best approach for now, unless you find out something else that makes you worried for the child's wellbeing.

Stay in your own lane.

Wow dont be so judgy. Let's hope your own daughter never has any issues the next few years. You will know how the parents feel. I bet her mom feels terrible as it is. She don't need you telling her . It's not really harming you is it. Take your halo off. Sorry if sounds harsh but I have been there.

a child with 50% attendance is no doubt on LA’s radar already surely?

I had an embarrassing health issue as a teen that required me to be off for appointments a lot. I told my friends any old bollocks du jour rather than admit the real reason

Wow. You're a delight!

Chronic Fatigue is a thing and we dont have to performatively look exhausted constantly to convince people its real.

Well that was some drip feed!

It’s their business. If she’s happy and they’re happy, and she has social time with your daughter and others, any other issues are their problem not yours!

Poor.

I really hope all my DDs friends' parents discourage a relationship between the friends, so that my DDs mental health further declines, and instead of using her nails to harm herself, she starts using knives. And instead of eating one tiny meal a day and drinking one tiny cup of water, she just doesn't eat or drink anything.
I've never been so grateful that my child's friends' parents are not you, because you are vile.

What business is it of yours??
2 of my sons struggled with chronic fatigue way before covid and missed substantial amounts of school - not because they were tired but because they were chronically fatigued, had someone like you approached me with your ill founded concerns then I would have been very angry - someone like you doesn’t see the Drs visits, the specialist reports, the school nurse meetings, the letters that supported the absences from school and the absolute support from the school and staff I received.
My sons (who were at secondary school individually as one left, the other began) handled their illnesses very differently the older one would laugh and joke with his friends about his tiredness, he would often feel brighter after a day or 6 of rest but on the days he wasn’t well his friends didn’t see him struggling to go to the toilet because he literally couldn’t walk there nor have the energy to poop, he couldn’t swallow so could only eat mash and, he wouldn’t have told them.
The younger son isolated himself and was able to pace himself much better so didn’t burn out as he’d watched his sibling do - but I didn’t feel the need to have to explain to other (nosey) parents why they had absences.

You should just concentrate all you extra energy on your child and not interfere and judge another parent.

The thing is, she's not concerned. She's judgemental and seemingly vastly superior as a parent

Kids say stuff like that - especially if they have very embarrassing medical diagnoses they don’t want to admit to or explain - better to sound defiant and rebellious

My parent's took me out of school so much. I think you should call the school or local authority to tell them

If she does have an invisible disability and is covering it up to her peers, this makes you a pretty awful person. I have two children off school currently with chronic complex illness - both are affected slightly differently but fatigue is the main feature for one and the other can’t walk now as his movement is so affected. Before their infectious onset, they were healthy, sociable, academic and very sporty. Kids you would never imagine something like this could happen to. They can play video games still though - aside from online learning it’s pretty much all they can do. They used to do so much sport and now they can’t. They used to love running around with friends and now they can’t. They played football and swam to a high level and now they can’t. They can’t manage school. It’s completely devastating as they love school. But to judgy parents who don’t know fully what has happened - they are two kids who don’t go to school and the only contact their kids have with them is via gaming.
And I hope they are still employable as they are very bright - one is at a top grammar (although can’t go) and the other has been denied the opportunity to try due to his illness. Hopefully employers of the future will be more understanding about the impact of complex chronic illness on school achievements. This thread has really enlightened me to what some people must be thinking of me and my parenting and it’s very ugly isn’t it?!
neuro immune post infectious illnesses. Look them up. It could literally explain all of it

I used to tell my mates I was too tired to go to school too. What I was was autistic with a parent with bipolar and a younger sibling who needed looking after. At the very least you could try offering some support
instesd of judging her.

Whatever is going on with Ella, she is obviously already on the school's radar. It would not be surprising if she is also on social services' radar. I would not say anything. Not only because you don't know the whole story, but also because there might already be an investigation going on. If your input is needed you will likely be asked for it. Otherwise, don't get involved. You can only do harm in such cases, unless you have something to report.

Shit parenting. Parents should want the best for their kids, which in this world, requires a good education. They are denying her this and setting her up to have a rubbish work ethic. I feel sorry for Ella, she’s the one losing out.

Lots of parents are rubbish at it. Having sex and giving birth doesn’t mean people are cut out to raise children well. So many are dragged up yet mumsnet cries in everyone’s defence, because apparently procreating makes people good parents by default and any fault must be for a good reason. BS - some parents are just crap parents.