AIBU for being frustrated with these parents

[Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie]

DD has just started at secondary school and one of her good friends Ella from primary has started at a different school, which is walking distance to her house.
Dd's friend missed a huge amount of school after covid for various reasons to the point where her attendance in year 6 was less than 50%.
Ella has frequently admitted to DD and others she has told her parents she is ill/tired/anxious so she doesn't have to go to school. DD and her other friends have been quite shocked by this and I think one of her parents haven't challenged her as they wfh so don't have childcare issues.
Ella was supposed to start her new school yesterday but didn't go as she was 'tired'. She appeared to be perfectly find when video calling DD at 8pm last night! I feel really sad that this girl is missing out on an important transition and missing the opportunity to make new friends and have a fresh start. I imagine the school attendance officer will be on her case soon enough though.
So, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with Ella's parents for essentially not parenting! I think I will find it difficult not to say something when our paths next cross.

DC2 was quite unwell in y8 but you would not have seen any unwellness on FaceTime or Zoom because it turned out to be severe anxiety caused by ADHD.

DC2 had many physical symptoms so it took us a while to work out what the problem was. They had countless blood tests and scans etc . Also got prescribed various medications.

I sent all the evidence of blood tests and GP and hospital appointments to the school. A little while later, I got a threatening letter from the council's attendance officer saying that DC2's attendance was already at x% and if it fell down to y% I was going to get a £1000 fine! I was furious. Despite being in daily contact, the school didn't warn me about this.

And I forgot to say that most years, DC2's attendance was 100%.

YANBU to feel sad for her, but her parents are probably very frustrated and likely have tried loads of things to try to get her into school rather than letting her do whatever because she’s tired and they WFH.

You will be unreasonable to do anything about it

@Tickyandtackyandjackiethebackie i don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be concerned but I don’t think you have anything to gain from saying anything to the parents.

I might not allow my 11 year old to take phone calls after 8pm or something.

in my experience the educational welfare officer will be in contact with them pretty soon 🤷‍♀️

Other posters have already said it all but basically you don't know what's going on.
Yes, they may be terrible parents but equally they may have a child with unsupported issues, trying to find the best way through while struggling to cope. I've been there. I'm still there. And I'm sure some people think I'm a terrible parent for some of my decisions/actions.

I agree on the surface its sad but whilst I share your concerns it really is none of yours (or mines) business.
Who knows the circumstances? Maybe a close family member is terminally ill? Maybe there are serious financial problems?
Also kids chat shite, to be blunt.

I missed a lot of school as a child, for multiple reasons. Firstly, I had a traumatic, neglecful upbringing, even though no one would have been aware of that without skilled intervention. Secondly, I had undiagnosed autism and learned early to somatise in order to get the downtime I needed. And thirdly I had a genetic disease that was only diagnosed in adulthood, which probably meant I genuinely did feel tired or unwell more often than the average child.

If you'd spoken to my mum about my attendance record, she'd have dismissed you as a busybody do-gooder, and probably have taken her anger out on me. But she was very articulate and well-spoken, and very plausible whenever my absence from school was noted, and tbh it would have been very much better for me if someone from outside the family had flagged up some concerns with my school so that they knew to look more closely at the picture that was being presented to them.

So in your shoes that's what I would do. I realise the attendance officer will intervene soon, but they won't have the full picture. An 11-year-old playing computer games at 2am and thinking nothing of messaging your DD to join in is a child who is not ill or tired, so much as a child whose needs are not being adequately met, including, it would seem, her need to get an education. It think this is - or very plausibly may be - a safeguarding issue, and I'm surprised how many people seem to think you should keep your beaky nose out.

As a parent who went through school avoidance, I'd say you only have a small part of the story.

You literally have no idea why she is not in school.

As many have said, it's a world of parenting you know so little about it would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

What do you know about PDA, demand avoidance, low demand parenting, autism, adhd, anxiety, low mood and depression among young people, etc etc etc etc? Exactly. Fuck all.

So fuck off to the far side of fuck. Maybe the girl's parents are shit, in which case the relevant agencies will be involved after a 50% attendance record. It's not possible to just slack off these days.

Or maybe they are dealing with problems that you have the vast privilege to be able to know absolutely fuck all about, and would rather present themselves as a family with a certain amount of control and agency to others.

So take your tiny, unimaginative judgy mind somewhere else.

And also yeah, low demand parenting, to hammer it home, sometimes includes letting people go online late at night.

I often did this when my daughter was in deep burnout and we were all not sleeping til 4am, because I knew about a zillion percent more about her needs than some fuckwit commentators here. What a lax terrible parent I was. End of! Gavel!

Because smug parental rigidity really works in situations of ND burnout, and doesn't lead to suicide attempts or anything.

This

Clearly something else going on and likely between the OP and the other girl’s mother. Bugger all to do with concern for the child

None of your business.

Quote of the day that 🤣🤣🤣

You have no idea what's going on, so do keep out, it will not be appreciated.I am a parent with a daughter just like Ella, believe me we try every day to get her into school, autistic, ADHD, burn out, anxiety, mh problems, ebsa, pmdd, my daughter can happily chat to friends then can't go into school, I'm going through the most stressful time ever, it literally makes you ill!

It's not your business.

It’s none of your business. Leave them to it.

This!

Literally - myob
this is not your kid, not your decision and certainly not your business!
You clearly mention no concern of abuse so you thinking you can’t hold your opinion back when seeing mum sounds beyond entitled.

My kids have a pair of siblings who they're friends with who are like this child... school attendance erratic and falling fast (again much worse post-Covid) and will be on phone and games very late at night.

I'm still friends with their parents, the kids are still friends (but the friendship's naturally dying back a bit since they moved away and as the kids get older). Am I pissed off privately at some of it - especially since I am very fond of the kids in question? Yep. However the friendship continues because both sides of us are able to accept that we parent differently - I've got quite strong boundaries about tech use on a night - phones must be downstairs after 8pm etc - and a large part of that is to mitigate the fact that these kids will be on theirs late and will try to ring mine up and get them to join in... and actually, although she complains bitterly - DD1 does really actually appreciate the "my mum's a pain in the arse about this" excuse to get out of late night phone nonsense.

In one child I know there are reasons for the school attendance, the other I'm less certain of - I just tell my kids, "I'm not Jen and Bob (hypothetical parents' names) and we do things differently here, my rule is X"

Yes, FEEL frustrated by all means, but keep that in your head and in your own world - no way would I have a go at my friend for how their kids are parented - because I know parts of the story but there's no way I know the full lot, no way I've got a right to know the full lot, and even if I did I'd have no right to judge anyway.

you probably don't know the whole story behind the absence. As for the video call, maybe they are trying to maintain some social contact for her if she's often absent from school.

You have no idea what is going on! My child looked perfectly fine but had IBS so had a lot of time off school until we got it under control and worked out the triggers.
He would never tell his friends that's why he wasn't in and would make up all sorts of reasons, he even told them one day that I didn't know he'd missed school (I did)

As an 11 year old I think it's highly unlikely Ella will be able to give the full version of events. She likely won't be mature enough, able to fully articulate it and will be worried about social repercussions.

What 11 year old will be able to say to her friend, just as an example, 'I have terrible anxiety and can't face going to school, my parents are stressed and unhappy but I am making myself ill worrying about this, especially the change to secondary school.' She's much more likely to say she fakes illness. I mean, your daughter is probably lovely but there are a proportion of children who would tell others that info and tease another child about it.

Definitely, definitely do not stick your nose in. She's enrolled in a school so clearly someone will be monitoring the situation.

Ella may have health problems that are un-diagnosed or misdiagnosed and her and her family may be going through hell trying to figure out what is wrong and how to manage things. She may not want to disclose this to her friends, or their parents. Smugly reporting the family to the school over a 2am message may have caused them more unnecessary stress and hassle and could have caused the poor child to spend even less time in school.

I have physical health issues that really impacted my attendance when I was in school, and the torment the school put my family through made everything so much worse. It is common for me to be up ridiculously late, I'll go to be at 10pm and still be up at 3am. It's because the pain is so bad I cannot fall asleep despite being absolutely exhausted. It has nothing to do with screens.

Also being able to video call a friend for an hour in the evening is a very different thing to being able to get up, washed, dressed, walk (even a short distance) to school, spend 8 hours in school, walk home, etc. If a child is too ill to go to school it dose not mean they are bedridden and cannot lift a phone to their face.

Can you give advice on how parents should get a teenager they cannot physically carry to go to school?

There's been times I've had to carry my autistic son to school, but he's at primary school and isn't taller than me yet. If he's in the wrong mood, no amount of persuasion works.

This is absolutely fuck all to do with you.