DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

I didn't know that the LA might be able to pay for online schooling if that's the case. I do know the LA work with Kings High online school. I have heard that they could fund it? Hopefully, you won't have to pay out of your own pocket. That's a positive

Just FYI they dont prescribe anti anxiety medication to children except in very rare circumstances and when under the care of a Consultant Psychiatrist. Try getting that on the NHS for a child with anxiety. Added to this, the only treatment licensed for children and adolescents, fluoxetine, carries a risk of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, something which OPs child is already suffering from. It's not as easy as they have anxiety so let's give them a magic pill and all will be fine!
My dd is currently having CBT which is helpful but it's expensive and also not usually suitable for people with autism so might not even help OPs ds even if they could afford it. There really is very limited help out there.

I have autistic children, although none of them are school refusers. One if mine has a tendency to wander off and another can't speak in stressful situations. They get driven into school/college. I understand the routine thing and mine are like that as well so we are prepared to drive them in every day until they leave school/college.

Then leave today. Present yourself as homeless to the council and escaping a financially and emotionally abusive relationship.

they have an obligation to house you. Call Women’s aid, pack your bags, pick up DD from school tell DS you are all moving out and go.

there are no joint assets, no savings. No need for ducks on a row. Just leave.

It must have taken a lot of work to get the OP’s son into the school.

I can’t get my head around all of that time, effort, negotiation, documentation - everything required, then the OP just expects him to get on a bus for the first time and go. Then, as soon as it doesn’t work, the OP says, oh well, that went badly, it won’t work now.

Maybe the OP doesn’t actually want to go to work, doesn’t want her DS to be at school, wants to keep him close by at home?

Plus, noone has used an IPod since about 2005 😅. My 14 year old had no idea what an IPod was when I referenced one recently

My post was garbled nonsense 🙈

If a child is in receipt of middle or higher rate DLA, the parent is exempt from looking for work, as they're deemed a carer for Universal Credits. So not put in the work group etc.
Though still depends on whether has savings/other income to be entitled to UC in general.

College is different to school there is a zero tolerance to bullying. It's a more grown up feeling. I am also surprised the op has given in so quickly without trying.

@nolongersurprised when you are parent to a child with additional needs you live in a very high level of stress - this OP also has an abusive partner. I'm sure she may be panicking at how difficult her son found going in on the first day - it's understandable. That's why some families really need extra support.

Of course I want to work and him in education I feel like I'm repeating myself now but as said, he'll now likely associate this with college and add extra anxiety on top of the anxiety he already has especially about starting somewhere new.

DD doesn't have mental health issues, nor is she diagnosed ASD and she doesn't have traits but I do understand girls can mask. Their dad was autistic and perhaps I should've linked it earlier for DS and looking back he did have traits but I didn't recognise them as traits although now it does all make sense.

He's not on any medication, they wouldn't prescribe it due to his age and they said it’d likely add to the suicidal thoughts.

I'm unsure what transport they offer here, he was given a free bus pass by the LA. As said I recognise I may have been wrong but he wouldn't have gone today car or bus.

I need to pick DD up later as I dropped her off today, I didn't feel comfortable her travelling without a phone and yes I know phones weren't always a thing etc etc but also it was much safer then. I would constantly be worrying if she got there okay, and what jf there was any problems like the bus breaking down or whatever (this has happened in the past).

All focus needs to go on getting your son into college OP where his 1 2 1 is there to help support him - this will be life changing.

It is disgusting and sad that your husband is making things harder - but you need to get your chin up and get your son to college. Whatever it takes.

Would college send someone to your home if you explained he is refusing to go in?

one of my four had school refusal at 14 years, for a year. It was brutal. Staying in bed all day with the blankets over her head wasn’t an option, but it was very very hard work. She’s now in her final year of school and thriving with an early offer to her uni of choice (Australia).

Nope. The 6 foot + man went after a 5 foot 5 CHILD OF FOURTEEN who had walked away. The 6 foot+ man shoved him in bullying temper. The CHILD OF FOURTEEN had only hit him on the arm after the bullying abusive 6 foot + man stole his phone from him and had screamed abuse at the CHILDREN.

The bullying and abusive 6 foot+ man is a vicious cunt.

Men don't shove children around and scream in their faces. Men don't steal other people's property and hide it for days on end.

You're cheering on an abusive bully.

I hope at least you've got through to DS why DP was so upset, and that hitting is utterly unacceptable. I hope you get him up and out of bed at least and doing some chores or doing something together. Letting him rot in bed will do noone any favours.

My siblings and I, and our dad, are all autistic/ADHD, some of us in more debilitating ways than others. I'm so, so grateful to my mum that just sitting about was never an option. We were sometimes needed (need) and enormous amount over help, but always expected to get up and go.

Doing the best for children doesn't always mean protecting them from feeling stressed. It doesn't always mean shielding them from consequences. He hit DP, he bunked off school, he's been angry and aggressive - let him feel the consequences and help him understand that he (DS) needs to make things better.

Nope. The bullying abusive 6 foot+ MAN stole a child's phone and screamed abuse at him and his sister. The CHILD then hit the bullying abuser on the arm and walked away. The bullying abusive vicious cunt of a 6 foot+ man went after him and shoved him and has stolen two phones and continued to hide them.

The man is a piece of fucking shit.

Maybe school/college isn't for him? Thinking about it now I think my daughter's get on better with home learning than a school. They both work now and have matured in their own time and way that's comfortable for them. Not everyone is going to like our children and that's the pressure they put on themselves that they must be liked. Once they work through that phase they do grow out of it. You have to explain that to him if that is causing his anxiety.

I think a lot of people are being really simplistic in saying you should have just done this or you need to do that, because no one knows your son and he has complex needs.

BUT

Your daughter would probably really benefit from a young carers referral. She might not be doing things that you think qualify as care, but trust me there will be little things that she does that mean that she is in some way. These support services mean that she would get to spend time with other people who having similar things going on, she would get to do some fun activities. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss that she would be entitled to support as a young carer. The criteria includes things like give emotional support or keep an eye on things. So I find it very unlikely that she wouldn’t be classed as a young carer

Maybe he's having a breakdown from paying all the bills and being the only worker in the household. He might be struggling and that's all he can give her a week after paying bills. Op has not explained the financial situation it's easy to call someone a bully there's more to it than that.

You need to drop him off early at school and then go to work once you have a job. If he doesn’t start school this week then he won’t go back. He’ll leave school without qualifications and he’ll never be an independent adult. Does he have weekly therapy and is he on medication?

Do you think that means that that’s acceptable? You can beat your kids if life is hard?

Your son needs a settled home life with parents who agree about his needs. You are his mother, insist he is given his phone back if he needs it to regulate.
I know someone who was home educated for similar reasons and is now in Uni in their mid twenties, as they have matured more and learnt ways of coping.
It takes time and you're in the worst years.
If you can go it alone without your partner I would.

Text DP and ask him where the phones are.

Tell him that they were given their punishments but now it’s done and now it’s about moving forward.

You need to stop letting them walk all over you.

Pick your DD up and encourage DS to come. In the car you can pass the college and ask him how you can help him go - would it be better if you dropped him off, went on the bus with him, if he got an earlier or later bus etc. give him the choice.

No autistic person is the same as another autistic person but in all my experience they work much better when the transitions are slower.
When starting a new school they would visit several times and if they’ve been out of school they’re on a reduced timetable etc.

You know your son better than anyone but I am surprised that you think he wouldn’t cope changing from the car to bus, but that he’d cope ok going from homeschooling to getting a bus and going to college.

I think the phone needs to be given back today and then he can go to college tomorrow.
This has set him back but you need to gently push him else he’ll get more and more anxious about it.

He shouldn't have pushed him and he does need to talk about that especially to ops son. He needs to apologise. We're not all perfect I have done things as I am sure you have that you regret. The op needs to have a conversation with her partner about finances, and apologising to her son and explain why it's wrong.

I'm not using him financially. Yes, he paid for the autism assessment but apart from that he gives me £50 a week for food which doesn't last and that's it
Apologies if I misunderstood, but who is paying for the mortgage, bills, school uniforms,etc?