DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

No-one is denying that. Not even OP as she says that’s why she needs to work. My point is that there is clearly a lot more going on here than meets the the eye, and it’s clear from what OP has posted that Dp doesn’t understand autism and has no intention of learning.

Oh OP this sounds like such a stressful situation. I had a similar situation but without the suicide threats and the abusive partner - and that was awful enough.

I don't have any answers but I don't think your current plan is going to work and it's going to put you under too much pressure. I don't see how you're going to be able to work long enough to save enough money to leave without things falling apart at home. Have you been to the CAB and checked what other benefits you're entitled to? Would Women's Aid be appropriate? Your DP does seem quite abusive and is causing damage to your DC. Maybe at least they could advise you.

I really think you'd be better home schooling for now so that you can remove the pressure of school. Obviously I don't have a crystal ball and your son might 'improve' but my DS dropped out of college and now does nothing and will possibly need me to support him for the foreseeable future. There's no point me stressing about it because I can't control him...all I can do is be understanding and kind and hope that he finds his way. On a positive note, he used to be very angry and argumentative and he hardly ever is now at 22. Stress plus testosterone isn't a good combination.

Please try not to listen to the people on here going on about you not working....that always happens on here. Of course you haven't been able to work given the situation at home. Plus who cares? Not working is not a moral failure and you don't have to justify your actions to the harsh, insensitive of mumsnet. It reminds me of that meme "If you want advice with your autistic children, ask someone with neurotypical children - they have all the answers".

Yes, people would have other comfort objects or rituals.
This child now has his phone to play music as a tool to calm down.
Its not your place to tell them to use a different tool that doesnt do the job.

That isn’t the point. It’s the routine that matters. It’s a coping mechanism and DP should not be blocking access to it. It will only make things worse.

This. The ignorance of what autism actually is, is breathtaking.

It has been explained a while ago that she didnt want to leave her twin brother at the bus stop.

No there's nothing more going on here: you have a mum who doesn't work or financially contribute to the house but also dont use her free time to eg drive her kid to school when she knows he has issues with school attendance.

Then you have a 14 year old boy who physically assaults people.

Those are the facts.

I think OP needs educating too. Unfortunately from what she says CAMHS has let her down, she had one private assessment. All this late in the day so her son is out of control now.

Where did you get that from? That OP doesnt contribute to the house?

Autism is genetic, runs in families. Is there a wider picture?

Could there be more complexities here?

Is his father autistic? (Where is he in all this, while your partner is supporting you and his children?)

Are you autistic?

Is his twin sister autistic?

Autistic women and girls have largely gone unnoticed, unseen, unsupported through generally being better at masking.

Especially where more noticeable issues are being exhibited by a boy, which can pull attention one way.

Is she getting any support, or just inappropriate responsibility, punishment and blame?

It's not all he can afford, he regularly goes out drinking and to watch the football every Saturday. their dads family buys DD’s uniform (they offer, I don't ask!), DS doesn't have a uniform for college.

He's not out of control I'm not sure where posters have got that from, yes he does lash out when stressed and his behaviour has changed over summer I presume due to puberty and hormones. He's never hit me, no. The most I've had is a cuddly toy thrown at me. dd has never been hit either by him, he did once hit her while they were playing swingball but it wasn't on purpose or him being aggressive and he was very upset and apologetic after toward her so I don't think he'd purposely hit her. He's not been rotting in bed for 2 years either, he's been homeschooled.

He's not been offered any LA transport apart from a bus pass, that's a good idea about the 1:1 coming out to see him. He has met 3 of them I think they'll be working with him on a rotation basis so that if one is off sick for example he'll be used to working with them all. We had a tour of the college too before the summer. I did tell DP to give him his phone back and even mentioned this morning about DD’s phone and school but he said they'll get them back when he says and has taken them to work with him.

I don't know where they were either. We didn't have chance to chat as DP went in all guns blazing. DS mentioned something about a park but that was about it, DD said it didn't matter.

They shouldn't have wondered off he was right to tell them off. You say he went in "all guns blazing" is minimising what they did. You don't sound that concerned or believe they should have any consequences which is why you are in the situation you are in. Why didn't his dad pay for his assessment why your partner?

You say you can't go out do you have younger children under the age of 12? I don't understand why you can't go out. You could go to work on the evenings and weekends if you want to. Plenty of care work out there. You could contribute to the finances and have freedom for yourself. Your partner has taken on you and your children and he takes on most of the responsibility. He's even doing the parenting for you because you don't like disciplining your children.

Did you call the police or go out looking for them yesterday?

They have already been punished by DP's aggressive and abusive shouting at them as soon as they walked in the door.
This stopped OP being able to sit down and talk to them calmly and find out what actually happened.
His treatment of the DD was disgraceful.
He took their phones to work too - he's actually punishing OP and preventing her from sorting this out.
Even teenagers phones are essential equipment for emergencies if nothing else.

Still no response as to where the children went all day. How did they spend their time? Were they safe?
This may also give some indication of what he is able to tolerate - eg did he catch another bus into town, go to McDonald’s or did they just wander for hours?
It sounds as though home educating wasn’t ideal either and if anything his behaviour has got worse with increasing violence and aggression over the summer. What support have you received OP? Has there been any CAMHS or social care support? Any occupational therapy intervention? Why did you have to seek a one off private assessment ? Had he had any assessments by CAMHS and what was fheir opinion? Autism assessments usually take place over a series of assessments as opposed to a one off meeting - did you have a full extended assessment or just a 1 hr meeting? What interventions were offered to manage his self harm , his anxiety and aggression? Was family therapy offered? Any intervention for his sister who must find living with her brothers violence frightening ?
What are his plans do this future, interests, hobbies? Is his behaviour now very different to when in primary school as it doesn’t seem that the possibility of autism was flagged in primary school?
He, you and the family as a whole need the correct input and while you may be in receipt of this it’s not clear from your posts.

I know priorities are all over the place. I have to ask is this AI interacting with us?

I'm not autistic and nor is DD, as said she doesn't have traits but I know girls can mask. Their dad was, yes.

Their dad passed away when I was pregnant with them leaving me w single mum to them and my then 8yo DD

I can't go out because I don't feel comfortable leaving DS home on his own, so I can't work weekends as I said DP is always out of a weekend and I wouldn't feel comfortable him watching DS now anyway. I was previously working in a care home which was shifts.

On the unlikely chance he hasn't gone out he still refuses to watch DS, he says I should take him with me which isn't very relaxing for me and I still can't see friends as he won't sit for long in a cafe for example

Did you not ask your daughter where they were? You gave her a lift in this morning! “ It doesn’t matter” doesn’t cut it - at all.
Were they with anyone? County lines? Not knowing where they were for the duration of a school day is a serious safeguarding issue

OP you say you are worried enough about DS to not leave him alone on the weekend but today you left him whilst you took DD to school who could have got the bus? both your kids went AWOL for what sounds like all day. Why are you not more concerned? Has the college telephoned you re DS missing now two days of college? If my kid went AWOL then appeared then I would be angry as well as relived and obviously wonder what they were up to but you seem to be focusing on your DP reaction rather than your DS needs and ignoring people who ask where they were. Clearly you don’t want to homeschool but with disruption to expected routine and start to college now for two days doesn’t mean you should give in and not try to get him to the college offering 1_1 support.

What support have you received OP? Has there been any CAMHS or social care support? Any occupational therapy intervention? Why did you have to seek a one off private assessment ? Had he had any assessments by CAMHS and what was fheir opinion?

My personal experience of CAMHS is that they wouldn't engage with my son's anxiety and depression because of his autism. He got two meetings. The first confirmed that the bullying in school was having a significant detrimental effect on his MH so he should be educated online until a new school could be found for him. That was genuinely helpful as the GP just wouldn't believe DS account of what he had been experiencing in school.
The second meeting was to discharge him because they said that his autism prevented him from engaging with their intervention. Hopeless!

Regarding an autism assessment, we also had to go private because the wait list is so long in our area that, despite being referred in the first year of primary school, we understood that it was unlikely that he would be seen before he started secondary school! We felt that we had no option but to pay for a private diagnosis or our son would have been embarking on secondary school with no clear understanding of his condition. We organised a private autism assessment in year 6.

Just a couple of examples of the kinds of difficulties that ND children and their parents face in accessing education.

How do you force a 14 year old to go anywhere?

Last time we physically forced DS to school was when he was 8, and it was deeply distressing, counterproductive and something I really regret doing. He's 12 now and trying to force him would most likely lead to at least one of us getting injured.

I have no answers - because there is no easy, one size fits all solution to this problem. We've accessed, or tried to access, most of what is available locally but even if I can get DS to attend, say, counselling, I can't make him engage with the counsellor.

I think you MUST take him into college. I know you keep saying it'll set a routine, you need to get a job, etc etc. But the routine that is being set now is that he is not going to college. If you allow that to bed in, he'll never go and you'll never be out of the house.

Go on the bus with him. See if his 121 at the college can meet you/him off the bus. If not, at the front door. And if they won't help at all, arrange to meet her somewhere in the college with him.

Probably go to the college alone first and have a meeting with his 121. Explain the situation.

You've got to start somewhere. Just sticking with the 'If he doesn't do it himself first time he won't do it.' isn't going to get him out of his room and into the college. START the routine with him and step back a little bit at a time.

It almost sounds like you think that shoving (physical aggression) is a way to teach kids not to hit?

I don’t imagine hitting a child to punish them for hitting is the route to go to teach them that hitting is bad

County line? Wtf are you on about, where did that come from?

I feel like your partners reaction has absolutely no bearing on your sons attitude on returning to school. Your cannot lie this at his feet.