DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

I think you are being soft and sounds like your partner is the only one willing to parent the kids. Too bad if your son wants his phone to listen to music - put the radio on, put music on the tv. Enough is enough - step up and parent your kids. Removing their phones is a minor punishment for the way they have behaved.

OP needs to make a proper plan to leave her DP. She can’t go to a women’s refuge with both her children, and certain other temporary accommodations won’t be appropriate either.

If they rent then DP might be open to leaving and finding alternative accommodation himself, and universal credit would hopefully help with rent given DS’ needs limiting OPs ability to work. I think OPs first port of call should be entitled to or CAB to find out her benefit entitlement if she were to be a single mother. But at the moment with nowhere else to go simply getting up and leaving and hoping for emergency accommodation is unlikely to make things any better.

If you dont like how your partner is parenting yoir children (which sounds normal to me), do it yourself.

I cant believe you've got a 14 year old boy who thinks its okay to.hit someone and not.go to school.

Just take a look at all these threads in Relationships from women who are with men who dont work and think its okay to physically hurt them.
Those men dont just magically appear in the world.
They start as boys.

Here’s a suggestion:
No school = no phone or internet.

I bet he changes his tune a bit quicker.

And yes, you need to drive him. You essentially set him up for failure.

OP - you've clearly got a lot going on in your life and there's a lot to unpick in your posts.
But on a practical note, have you applied to your LA for transport for your DS? He has an EHCP and I'm assuming his new placement is named in Section I. If so, especially as he's under 16, the LA has a statutory duty to provide what's in Section F of his EHCP - and as you've not chosen to home educate him, that's in his place of learning.

As he has SEN, the usual 3 mile rule doesn't apply if they try and fob you off. Speak to the Senco at his setting - they may be prepared to help you apply - especially as his placement looks like it could break down.
Transport could be a bus with other students or even a taxi. You have evidence that expecting him to travel independently on public transport isn't working. Of course they have offered him a bus pass - that's the cheapest option for them.

Ipsea has some good advice on this:
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/pages/category/transport-to-school-or-college

Also Sentas:
https://sentas.co.uk/

Ipsea runs a free helpline for parents of kids with SEN - it can be really hard to book a slot but you need to keep trying everyday. Also SOS!SEN are good: https://sossen.org.uk/

Also - I would recommend that you try and keep him on roll - even if he's not able to actually attend. If you take him off roll, there's less pressure on the LA to deliver what's in his EHCP. As he's Yr10 now, putting it bluntly, some LAs know they only need to fob parents off for a couple more years before DC cease to be of statutory school age.

The other option you have is asking for an emergency Annual Review.

Of course he's being held to a higher standard. He's an adult! He's screaming in the face of and physically shoving a small 14 year old boy who has autism and mental health problems. Think of how differently it could have turned out had the kids been spoken to calmly but firmly. Finding out what happened and why, how they can stop it happening again, what needs to be in place to help, explaining why it cant happen again etc etc. This is how most people would deal with this, not screaming in both their faces in a rage as soon as they walk in, physically shoving them and taking the one thing from an autistic child that calms them down when they are already in a state of heightened anxiety. I don't know how you can defend that from a grown man

Here's a suggestion

You haven't got the foggiest clue about raising neurodivergent children

Absolutely 💯 my friend has worked with and taught SEN children for 40 years at a special school. She's done the D of E with them up at the lakes and in the mountains. Run a weekly club for them, on top of teaching at school. Her main complaint is that the parents infantalise them. At 18 they leave the special school, parents screaming because they can't cope, who will care for them now.

You missed that her son has autism and significant mental health problems then ?

@XiCiand how did all these poor children cope before phones were around. What made up nonsense you are talking about.

He’s been dealing with verbally and aggressive behaviour for weeks on end plus being the sole earner for the last couple of years. If that wasn’t stressful enough there was finally an end in sight and it instead turned into a stressful day with missing kids.

The softly softly approach hasn’t worked, and while I don’t think his behaviour was right I can see the reason behind it (not an excuse for it). OPs son is not a little boy, and he’s only going to continue to get bigger. In a couple of years he’s going to be an adult. Nothing has changed in the last few years so how is carrying on the same way going to make things change in the next couple of years? Then there will be a consistently aggressive adult in the house.

The obvious solution was OP getting the bus or driving DS to school but she’s refusing that as an option. OP has only mentioned previous aggression from her son, presumably they have been trying to deal with that calmly all summer (or there’s going to be a drip feed that her partner has also been physically and verbally abusive all summer, not just her son) and it clearly hasnt worked.

OP has already said her son uses music through his phone as a self soothing and self regulating routine. What autistic children did before phones is irrelevant - this is the boy’s coping mechanism and the fact that DP has taken it away is pretty much proof that he doesn’t understand autism and doesn’t want to.

Well there is obviously an ongoing problem with her DP or she wouldn’t be preparing to leave him.

Glossing very nicely over the autism and mental health problems, about which you clearly know nothing.

I've read plenty of threads on here where mumsnetters are at their wits end with 18 year olds who've finished school, are being violent, trashing the home, terrorising younger siblings. The advice is pretty much throw them out. Call the police.

Yet on this thread the stepfather is the villain.

And he'll probably be relieved. Again he's not the father, not his sperm. Where is the birth father. Did he cut and run?

I agree it’s best for them all if the relationship ended. OP has only mentioned financial issues and this occasion of aggression though and hasn’t suggested he has any history of physical and verbal aggression like her son does.

As I mentioned in a previous post OP needs to make a plan to leave him that doesn’t rely on her going to a women’s domestic abuse shelter or what may be inappropriate temporary accommodation. I also don’t think she should wait until she’s working and has a secure income as that sounds a way off.

edit: pressed post before I meant to. I imagine her partner would also say there are ongoing problems. Hence why OP needs to take control of the situation and figure out her options before she’s left scrambling because he’s left. Acting sooner rather than later is in everyone’s best interests here

OP - how well do you understand your son’s diagnosis? What strategies have you been given to help him? Have you reached out to any charities? What support could the college SEND team offer?

I feel there’s a degree of limiting belief here - he must have his phone or he can’t regulate
he must not be driven to college as he will expect that forever
he is angry and therefore lashes out.

i know first hand how incredibly challenging raising an ND child is, but there are some excellent ways you can support DS to be more accepting of change and manage his emotions appropriately.

I won’t comment on your DP other than to say that only you really know what’s going on in your relationship and what his reaction to the kids missing school means in a wider context.

@Rosscameasdoodyand he can only access music from a phone? No where else?

Sorry does that make it okay to physically assault people then?

I agree its a normal reaction if it happens straight away. OP said that her husband came back after a moment and pushed him.

At which point she will have to get off her bum and pay her own bills and parent the kids alone

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

He's 14 years old, 5' 5" lashing out verbally and physically. Fast forward four years, he'll be a lot taller, stronger. His anger which is bad now will be worse. It's not just puberty this is it going forward. No consequences, just indulgence.

Yes, that was my first thought

No it isn't okay and an insult to parents with an autistic child who has learnt actions have consequences.