DC skipped their first day. AIBU about DP’s reaction

[BlondeSpider]

I do not even know where to start because my head is all over the place. Today was supposed to be such a big day for us. DS is 14 and was due to start at a 14 plus college after being out of school for more than a year. He stopped going back just after Christmas in year 8. His mental health had been declining for a while before that and then I found out he had been self harming. His anxiety was through the roof and it got to the point where he just could not manage. CAMHS were no help at all. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall every time I tried to get support. Eventually I deregistered him from school and homeschooled. It has been very up and down but he is bright and when he is calm he is lovely. I paid privately in the end for an autism assessment because waiting for the NHS was going to take years. He now has a diagnosis which in some ways was a relief but also quite overwhelming.

This summer has been really hard. DS has been difficult to live with. He is angry a lot of the time and everything is an argument. His anxiety is still there and when he is stressed it turns into lashing out verbally and sometimes physically. We have had things thrown, doors slammed, endless shouting matches. It has been exhausting, I think it's mostly due to puberty as he's had a growth spurt recently and his voice has dropped

DD is his twin. She has generally managed better with school and life in general but she has been struggling too, especially with his behaviour. She loves him and worries about him and is quite protective over him. She was supposed to be starting year 10 today which is a big year with GCSEs coming up.

This morning they both set out together for the bus stop. DS was nervous but I felt cautiously hopeful. It felt like maybe this was a turning point. But they never went. They did not get on the bus and they were gone most of the day. They ignored my calls and texts and would not say where they were. When they finally came home later on it all kicked off.

DP was furious. He immediately took their phones off them which caused a huge row. DS completely lost it and hit DP on the arm. DP reacted by shoving him back. It was not hard enough to hurt but it was physical and I just feel really uncomfortable about that. Then DP turned on DD and shouted at her for not making sure DS went in and for covering for him. He told her she had let everyone down. She just stood there crying.

I honestly do not know what to think. I understand why DP was so angry because I was too. We have been through hell trying to get DS back into education and today felt like such an important chance. But at the same time I feel like DP handled it badly. DD should not have had all that responsibility put on her and I do not think shouting at her was fair at all. And even though DS hit him first I still do not like that he shoved him back. The atmosphere in the house is awful now and I feel like we are right back at square one.

AIBU to think DP was too heavy handed and made things worse. Or am I just being soft?

Not you adding in extra things that didn’t happen… bizarre

op said he’s been physically and verbally aggressive all summer as well as a growth spurt.

you’ve pulled their heights out your arse, you’ve pulled the walking away out your arse. bloody loon. writing fan fiction and getting mad about it. Seek help.

OP, I sympathise and understand what you are saying and I do have two sons who also have autism. They are now both in their 30s, although still needing our care and support, and will not live independently. However, looking back om what I have learnt it is not to blame everything on autism. Back then when teenage hormones were ragging they could behave badly because of that, but they still had to learn violence is wrong, that sometimes a change has to be necessary. And sometimes a punishment is necessary too. Just as when they were younger not everything was down to their autism - they could misbehave just as every child misbehaves at some point and there had to be consequences for that behaviour too. I also had twins and it would not have been fair to say to one, you are banded from your Playstation but you aren't because you have autism. There was perhaps a tendency back then to have a default setting of "it's down to their autism" but I was wrong. Of course they find change very difficult, sometimes almost impossible with meltdowns...and sadly it does not always get easier, BUT sometimes they had to do things anyway. We took our sons out of two different mainstream schools because their needs were not being met, and they hated that change, but it was for the best. And it was always, and still is the responsibility of us, their parents, to manage everything, and not their sibling. Hope that makes some sense.

In 4 years time this child will be a man. That's going to go by quicker than you think. What I don't want is another man in society who thinks it's alright to hit people and bunk off from their responsibilities, and lay about all day. I don't know how many people defending him have actually met teenagers. They need care and guidance, but they can absolutely be intimidating and act aggressively. A father figure showed him that actions have consequences and I don't think that's a bad thing.

As I've said, I've been there. My brother went through similar rages and difficulties when he was a teenager. He tried squaring up to my stepdad, once, and was put back in his place. He shoved, got shoved back. Never happened again. He tried laying about in bed. Nope. Mum made sure he had work to do and a purpose. It wasn't easy and didn't always look pretty, but my brother is now a functioning member of society. He still needs a lot of help and guidance in his 40s, and may never be completely independent. But he works hard and is able to stay calm when things are difficult.

I forgot that the op and her partner was getting it from a 14 year old all summer. The bloke had enough and pushed him back. The op needs to take responsibility of her own child and not allow him to throw his weight around. Of course her partner is going out to meet his mates he needs breathing space. He might be thinking about leaving her she doesn't seem to take responsibility. She can't expect her partner to look after her son of he's being aggressive towards him, and I can't see him wanting to look after him.

Most of these responses are exactly why we have such a huge problem concerning school refusal.
Has any parent on here actually been in this situation and taken 14 year old son into school ? It is physically impossible. If it were as simple as "marching them into school" we wouldn't have hundreds of thousands out of school. Force doesn't work.
it's the same as forcing an agoraphobic out of the house.
Most adult suffering from panic and anxiety disorder only function as they do because of medication. Drs won't prescibe medication to children this age, rightly so, no child should be drugged just to be able to attend school. There are no other successful strategies in place. CBT may help with mild anxiety only.
OP you need to draw a line under school. School clearly isn't working and continuing along this path will only result in a complete breaking down the entire family.
an interruption in education is not the end of the world.
I discharged my son from school age 14, we were having similar issues and exhausted all avenues, it was one of the absolute worst times of my life. I was worried sick.
But my son managed to turn it around. He taught himself online, passed his international GCSE's, A Levels, then got a sponsorship for University where he is currently thriving and working part time.
He has said many times taking him out of school was best thing l ever did. He was diagnosed at age 14 with a panic and anxiety disorder. He has worked hard on his physical, mental and emotional health and now thankfully miles away from the nightmare years of being 14.
I have yet to meet a school refuser who managed to get back into school by way of force and a lot of the so called advice on here is very damaging and l would dismiss.
Never take advice from someone who hasn't been in your shoes.

Have you spoken to his college today to explain what happened and seek their advice?
And again - where did the children spend their day when they were uncontactable?

Right.
I bet the 14 y.o. already hits his mom from time to time when he's angry and she does everything to avoid his anger escalate and make him happy in any way she can, including letting him have his phone at all times, bunk school and rot in bed for the last 2 years. While DP is forced to watch this and finance this for the last few years.

I think you need to ask your partner to leave so that you can put your son first. My autistic son was severely traumatised by attending a mainstream school. I wish I had homeschooled him it's one of my biggest regrets. You need to then claim all the benefits you can. Does your son get PIP? If so you will be entitled to carers allowance. Over the years I have worked from home, I did ironing and online sales. After my son had a breakdown I decided to do what was best for him. Your partner sounds abusive and doesn't understand the needs of someone with autism. I have had this over the years, people just don't understand how much support they need and you get accused of mollycoddling. I would never take my son's phone from him, it would cause such distress. This man needs to go and you need to protect your children.

I think DP was right to remove the phones. Not right to become so loudly angry but you both had a right to feel angry after those two kids would not answer their phones all day.
That was more than inconsiderate.

Try to get past this as quickly as possible and try to have normality return.
You could drive DS in, or at least ride on the bus with him for a few times. If he refuses to attend school continually can you get help to home school?
Look into him getting a job at McDonalds or packing supermarket shelves. He might never be studious and looking out for council road repair jobs etc. might be the thing to do. Work in a food processing factory, an egg farm or packaging, washing dishes in cafe etc. Long term DS won't stay sleeping under his bed covers. Hopefully his mental health will improve until he is independent enough to work and participate in household chores.
I feel for your DD. She should have answered her phone for sure but she really can't be her brother's keeper. It is too big of a burden.

You sound exactly like someone who either has no experience of autism or doesn't understand it. My now adult son had anger issues for which he now takes antipsychotics although he never hit anyone. But maybe he would have if someone took his phone, that's abusive for a child with ASD.

You didn't make the wrong decision.

But the first attempt has not goine well. Are you going to give up.

Anger won't work in this situation it will only make things much worse.
It builds a whole pile of new stress on the big challenge of returning to education and your DP needs to take a giant step back and shut the hell up.
Instead of trying to calm his nerves about returning to formal education and everything that entails for a 14 year old, DS now has to worry about and deal with all the extra anxiety and resentment that the anger and shouting from your DP has helpfully added into the mix. That sets back all the good work of getting him to agree to formal education in the first place.

The Question at the time was all about what punishment for not going, does he realise what he did etc... when it should have been about how do we get DS to school tomorrow? And going forward from that.. how do we get him into a routine of going. You are planning a return to work and have all kinds of anxiety around that, he probably feels exactly the same, but he's 14, was home schooled and is recently diagnosed with this that and the other and does'nt know how to deal with it all. He can't be blamed for feeling scared at the thought. Im sure you are probably well aware of all this and you sound like a very kind parent, trying to do your very best for him. I think this all needs to be explained to DP and he needs to change his approach or take a giant step back.

DP also needs to make a massive apology to DD. I really felt for her when she said she wasn't just going to leave her upset and anxious twin at the bus stop to do God knows what for the day. She really was looking out for him and she was taking responsibility for him. OK this is GCSE year for her and she needs to go to school, she knows that but she was rightly concerned for her brother, she knew she'd get into trouble but did it anyway out of responsibility. It wasn't a massive skive. She needs praise not censure. This also needs to be explained to DP.

OK. Yesterday didn't work. and the bus is an issue.. drive them both to school to start with so he can get that newness of the school day itself out of the way.. and then he could start taking the bus home.. ( he's not going to want to "escape" from that) .. Once he's done the journey home, it will be easier to do the morning run.

Find ways to destress the morning - it may feel like overkill in a way but it is only for the first few weeks. He has so many new things crowding in on him at once, make it as easy as you can for him in the morning eg ... having a go box, where he puts everything he needs in the night before.. organise lunch boxes (if he has them) by as much pre prep as possible (get him to join in this so he can take over) Have a labelled shoes and uniform peg, School kit peg.. so he can put them all in the right place when he gets in ready for the morning. These kinds of things can take some of the stress out of the morning rush for him and will become habits so you can step back.
Coming home routine.. A clipboard or small white board, or wall calendar where he writes down anything he needs the next day.. and a wall calandar when home work is due etc. You may need to patiently do this with him at first, but it will become a habit.

Feed the beast. They will be mad hungry when they get in and snappy.

Plan one or two fun things for the weekend or Friday afterschool... like a cafe treat or pizza place where you talk about anything but school but just stuff they like to do. It's important for them to feel that school is not everything, that its not the only conversation.

Accept that things will not always go smoothly but try to go with the flow when they don't. There is no point aportioning blame. They know when they've slipped up. eg something has been forgotten or a piece of homework not done or someone has annoyed him at school. If he comes home very upset let him tell you in his own time.
Those are just examples, but you will probably have some better ideas yourself.
It doesn't sound easy but don't give up, you will get there.

No kid was beaten. The violent person here is the 14 year old lad who seems to have a history of aggression.

The reason why is because we don't discipline our children. They can do what they want there is no consequences. The schools are frightened of the children and what they could do because they can't do nothing. Your son probably gets a lot of his determination from you and that's why he thrived.

That's not fair no one knows you. That's all I am going to say to you. Being autistic doesn't give anyone the right to be aggressive. Taking a phone is not abusive it's a consequence and it's called parenting.

How is the relationship abusive with money? The OP has said her only income is carers allowance and DLA which she says she spends on her son. That leaves the partner to pay for rent, council tax, gas&electricity, car running costs (1 or 2 vehicles), clothes, her child's autism assesment etc. Have you considered he gives her £50 a week because that's all he's got left?

Just read "Music helps him to soothe" and that has been taken away from him by your "D"P.. as "punishment" .

Your DS has had his "punishment" already.. The massive angry shout out from your "D" P as soon as he got through the door, when you would have sat DS down and talked to him to find out why.

Partner has actually taken both their phones away from them and brought them into work. Get them back. Plus it is not helpful for DP to be involved in this process whilst you sort things out. Getting your son to school is the priority, not DP's views on discipline.

If music soothes your DS, he needs his phone. In reality, he's unlikely to go in without it. It is clearly one of his support mechanisms. It must have been a really big deal for him to have gone through the testing and having to deal with a diagnosis and all the family discussion that went on.

I know there's a big phone debate, but I always found it reassuring that they could contact home and several times its made a big difference. A 45 min - 1 hour bus journey times 2..I'd find that as boring as hell without a podcast. Also helps if he's shy. The school can take it if its not allowed whilst he's in the building.

I'm sure the school and his 1.2.1 will have some good suggestions and have dealt with this before. 1.2.1 may even be able to meet him on "neutral" territory just so he can ask questions and find out more.

Im sure you will get there OP. it does sound difficult, but break it down into small wins and solutions, anything that takes you forward bit by bit.

Given he is very clear about his money, expects that to last on food for a week presumably including him and that is the only money she gets, and he sees his friends regularly and she never does - I imagine not.

Look having a child with these kind of issues is hard and it can break relationships where both are the parents it isn’t a surprise they are having issues.

But the fact he is taking the lead when he isn’t the parent, clearly has resentment about the fact this is where it has ended up (which is kind of understandable) is an issue for the OP and her children

He isn't the parent, but he's doing his best. Where is the father in all this?

I’ve read everything and both my kids are autistic

Autistic people are capable of learning, adapting and changing their patterns of behaviour and routines. It may take longer, it may be harder, it may need support but that rigidity is not absolute. You are undermining his development by not stretching him at all.

You driving your son to College, and supporting his transition gradually doesn’t mean he won’t ever get the bus - that is your own rigid thinking talking.

Talk to the SEN team and ask for advice but it is wholly possible that he can transition to College successfully with the right support.

Exactly. I would leave if I were your dp. Your children sound so problematic and difficult and now violence on top.

A part of me wonders if you set him up to fail OP because in some ways it’s easier ti have him at home and know how he is and what he’s doing. It’s become routine for him but also for you.

You and DP need to have a serious and honest discussion about what all the issues are and what kind of help you can get. You act like in the family you and your son are the only ones with issues, ignoring the problems and pressures faced by your partner and daughter, and that sounds like it’s leading to increased frustration from your partner and increased anxiety from your daughter.

You can’t expect DP to support you and your two children financially but not to be able to discipline them or accept 6 weeks plus of verbal and physical aggression, plus the stress and anxiety of two children going missing for a day and not bat an eyelid.

It seems like you and DS have a very codependent relationship, which isn’t necessarily surprising or a deliberate choice you’ve made. But it is a bubble you need to break out of for both of your sakes.

Absolutely. And him taking the kids phones to work is yet another example of how much of a cunt he is

@XiCioh yes he’s the bad one. Op should just walk away then and she can fund herself and her kids.

Or just at his wits end with OP and passed the point of being rational. All four of them are struggling to cope and be rational and that’s understandable.

OP left DS to get the bus with his sister, she must have known that was never going to work.
DD disappeared with her brother for the day and did not contact or respond to her mum or step dad
And of course DS is massively massively struggling.

DP is also being unreasonable but he seems to be being held to a much higher expected standard.

Yes! All of this. Your son needs the phone to regulate. Your partner has no right to take it away. It’s abuse. And he is controlling you, not allowing you to bring your kids up the way you would like. You need him out of the picture. Call Women’s Aid asap and find out your rights. Get him out. And support your son who sounds like he was doing so well until your DP messed it up. It can all be resolved. Without DP.