Page 9 | So upset with my brother and his wife

Brunettesmorefun · 2025-09-03T17:10:31+00:00

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you. Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad. How do others cope with similar situations?

Original poster

Brunettesmorefun · 06/09/2025 19:35

jacks11 · 06/09/2025 18:50

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

I think your sister has treated you terribly, the funeral arrangements were made for the benefit of your grieving grandsons and it was absolutely right that you did so. I don’t understand your sisters reaction and I think you are better off without her in your life.

I think you were wrong in regards to your SIL’s post and I can see why you apologised. I have my doubts that it was vindictively aimed at you, as other posters believe- it was 3 years after OP’s bereavement and the falling out with her sister, not the next day or next month or even the next year. OP’s DB & SIL (and other siblings) are allowed to have a close relationship with whoever they like, separately to their relationship with OP. They are also allowed to post photos of them together on FB. It’s not got anything to do with OP, it isn’t likely to have been put up deliberately to hurt OP, but much more likely to have been posted without any thought or reference to OP’s views (because it’s not relevant to SIL’s relationship with OP’s sister). I don’t think OP can decide what can and cannot be posted by her SIL.

That said, I think that your SIL should have accepted the apology and moved on, or made clear she couldn’t. To wait this long and then cut you off seems odd- and unfair. Are you sure that something else has not happened?

I’m absolutely sure nothing else has happened. Every time I have been in their company I have been friendly and conciliatory. Purposely so as I wanted to make amends and get back to how we used to be.
I haven’t seen them very often as I live 3 hours from them. As I previously said, I even sent her little gifts (which is something I do for friends too). She never once acknowledged them. Honestly don’t think I could have done more.

OP posts:

Tootietoots · 06/09/2025 19:41

Thats awful OP im so sorry and so very very sorry about your daughter. If God forbid that happened in my family or to a close friend I would be fussing around them being as understanding and sympathetic as I could. How your sister could get upset about funeral arrangements is beyond me and I quite understand you being upset with the photo.

Tootietoots · 06/09/2025 19:51

Brunettesmorefun · 06/09/2025 19:35

I’m absolutely sure nothing else has happened. Every time I have been in their company I have been friendly and conciliatory. Purposely so as I wanted to make amends and get back to how we used to be.
I haven’t seen them very often as I live 3 hours from them. As I previously said, I even sent her little gifts (which is something I do for friends too). She never once acknowledged them. Honestly don’t think I could have done more.

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Its not up to you to do more imo. If they aren’t big enough to enough to get past the ohone call ( esoecially under the circumstances) about the photo then I have to wonder if they are worth your upset.

XWKD · 06/09/2025 19:57

OP, there's no point with trying to reason with people like this. They sound batshit.

TriciaA1991 · 07/09/2025 10:57

I am so, so sorry for you re your daughter and your family. As I said previously, before you said you lost your daughter to suicide, that there is nothing worse than losing a child. Suicide brings all the additional thoughts and traumas - very, very much love to you.
For your family not to be supportive is SO, SO mean, unpleasant, etc. etc.
I have had something similar from just one sibling over something - but at least my other siblings and everyone but one of his sons have acknowledged how nasty he is! BIG BIG hugs x x

Wynter25 · 07/09/2025 11:30

I'm so sorry for your loss ♥️

Original poster

Brunettesmorefun · 07/09/2025 18:17

TriciaA1991 · 07/09/2025 10:57

I am so, so sorry for you re your daughter and your family. As I said previously, before you said you lost your daughter to suicide, that there is nothing worse than losing a child. Suicide brings all the additional thoughts and traumas - very, very much love to you.
For your family not to be supportive is SO, SO mean, unpleasant, etc. etc.
I have had something similar from just one sibling over something - but at least my other siblings and everyone but one of his sons have acknowledged how nasty he is! BIG BIG hugs x x

Thank you so so much for your lovely post. It does help to receive love and support. I have to live daily with the loss of my precious daughter and it is an extra sadness to have to live without my siblings too x

OP posts:

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:32

DeeKitch · 03/09/2025 20:38

Not pathetic at all, grieving and she’s shit stirring - I hope you’re ok xxxx

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The sisters went NC years ago, no recently. There is no reason the SIL can't be close with her other SIL, just because OP is NC.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:35

PrincessofWells · 03/09/2025 20:59

I wasn't aware of a time limit on grief . . .

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There is a time limit on how long it's acceptable to act out, and lash out at other people, and try to blame it on grief.

DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:35

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:32

The sisters went NC years ago, no recently. There is no reason the SIL can't be close with her other SIL, just because OP is NC.

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Three months ago

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:38

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 03/09/2025 22:03

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. I would have felt like it was rubbing salt in the wound at what I can only imagine was the worst time in your life. Honestly, I think your sil is the one who should have apologised. ❤️

Family should have been rallying round you and your grandson. You did your very best to include everyone in a way that would work for your grandson and what you did sounds perfect.

Advice given to me by an older and wiser dear friend, in a similar situation, is keep away from toxic people as much as you are able, so they can't play with your mind. Focus on you, and those that build you up, not tear you down.

I am so sorry for your loss🌹💐❤️

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After 3 YEARS, she posted a picture with this SIL. You are behaving as if she took and posted this picture immediately after the fall out.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:41

Cornishclio · 04/09/2025 01:12

Social media causes so many issues when many use it as a passive aggressive way as I believe your SIL did. Obviously they felt put out there was no invite to your DDs funeral and decide to punish you by putting out a gushing FB post sidelining you. Petty, vindictive and totally lacking in compassion. I would block them and focus on your GC. I would not have apologised but then I wouldn’t have confronted her over the photo either. Just hide their posts if they upset you and don’t bother with gifts etc in the future. You sound better off without them.

It happened 3 YEARS after the funeral. It was in no way passive agressive. It was a normal post.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:50

DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:35

Three months ago

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Three months ago, they said they didn't want OP in their house anymore, everything else happened years ago. And we don't know anything about anyones behavior in the interm, so judge why it might have happened.

DeeKitch · 07/09/2025 21:55

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:50

Three months ago, they said they didn't want OP in their house anymore, everything else happened years ago. And we don't know anything about anyones behavior in the interm, so judge why it might have happened.

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Apologies made and olive branch extended and still blamed and now this

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 07/09/2025 23:17

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:38

After 3 YEARS, she posted a picture with this SIL. You are behaving as if she took and posted this picture immediately after the fall out.

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3 years is nothing when you have been through what @Brunettesmorefun has been and is going through.

To continue to post that picture after the upset was cruel and sadly shows a continuing lack of empathy.

@Brunettesmorefun I hope so much that you'll be able to maintain some kind of contact with your brother going forward even if it's too difficult right now. Maybe one day he will have enough of her too.

I'm not sure what to advise - maybe keep birthday and Christmas cards going or a birthday text etc. Just so there's some way back.

Your grandson sounds like he's someone to be proud of. ❤️

All my very best and look after you. Xxx

PrincessofWells · 07/09/2025 23:20

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 07/09/2025 21:35

There is a time limit on how long it's acceptable to act out, and lash out at other people, and try to blame it on grief.

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I can't agree.

Losing a child is against the natural order of things. I cannot imagine it's something you ever 'get over'. Having lost a family member to suicide, and seeing the effect the death of their child has had on their parent, I can honestly say my observation is they grieve every day, and the event was many years ago.

Compassion and understanding cost nothing . . .

Original poster

Brunettesmorefun · 08/09/2025 06:56

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 07/09/2025 23:17

3 years is nothing when you have been through what @Brunettesmorefun has been and is going through.

To continue to post that picture after the upset was cruel and sadly shows a continuing lack of empathy.

@Brunettesmorefun I hope so much that you'll be able to maintain some kind of contact with your brother going forward even if it's too difficult right now. Maybe one day he will have enough of her too.

I'm not sure what to advise - maybe keep birthday and Christmas cards going or a birthday text etc. Just so there's some way back.

Your grandson sounds like he's someone to be proud of. ❤️

All my very best and look after you. Xxx

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Thank you. Life feels much harder now and I am so grateful for my friends. I will definitely keep the channels open with my brother.
I sent him a text yesterday and received a nice reply from him.
My SIL fell out with her DIL some years ago and they have never patched it up so I guess she finds it hard to forgive people.

OP posts:

DeeKitch · 08/09/2025 06:59

Brunettesmorefun · 08/09/2025 06:56

Thank you. Life feels much harder now and I am so grateful for my friends. I will definitely keep the channels open with my brother.
I sent him a text yesterday and received a nice reply from him.
My SIL fell out with her DIL some years ago and they have never patched it up so I guess she finds it hard to forgive people.

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Sounds like SIL has a nasty streak

so glad you and brother are in touch x

TriciaA1991 · 08/09/2025 07:22

@TheCheekyCyanHelper You learn to live with grief - it never "passes". But losing a child is different, and to suicide especially. Have some compassion!
Are you the sister in law? You sound like her, coming to justify your nastiness.

Tootietoots · 08/09/2025 08:39

Brunettesmorefun · 08/09/2025 06:56

Thank you. Life feels much harder now and I am so grateful for my friends. I will definitely keep the channels open with my brother.
I sent him a text yesterday and received a nice reply from him.
My SIL fell out with her DIL some years ago and they have never patched it up so I guess she finds it hard to forgive people.

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Some people love to hold grudges and are easily offended. Id just keep in touch with my brother.

sunshine244 · 08/09/2025 09:59

A very close relative of mine died by suicide. I would have been utterly devastated if I hadn't been invited to the funeral. It is something where the effects ripple out far further and far harder than most other deaths.

I don't think you were unreasonable for how you planned the funeral. But I also understand why your sister would have been so upset to have lost her niece in such a hard way and not been included.

There are likely a whole bunch of other emotions and thoughts at play not directly related to the funeral. People often feel elements of blame towards themselves or others when suicide is involved. The whole situation must be hard for everyone.

Original poster

Brunettesmorefun · 08/09/2025 10:29

sunshine244 · 08/09/2025 09:59

A very close relative of mine died by suicide. I would have been utterly devastated if I hadn't been invited to the funeral. It is something where the effects ripple out far further and far harder than most other deaths.

I don't think you were unreasonable for how you planned the funeral. But I also understand why your sister would have been so upset to have lost her niece in such a hard way and not been included.

There are likely a whole bunch of other emotions and thoughts at play not directly related to the funeral. People often feel elements of blame towards themselves or others when suicide is involved. The whole situation must be hard for everyone.

My sister was invited to my daughter’s funeral. She cut contact with me as we could not include my daughter’s cousins and partners because of how we arranged her funeral (my grandsons wishes and what he could cope with). We had to keep to a very small circle in the chapel at the crematorium. My sister ignored me on the day and when I tried to hug her on leaving she told me she would never see me again.
Everyone including cousins were invited to a memorial service in the afternoon.

OP posts:

Diarygirlqueen · 08/09/2025 10:37

Your sister acted like that on the day you buried your child? Cruel. No words, please do not be grieving over the loss of that relationship, how would you ever forgive that. Awful, awful woman.

madeofmore · 08/09/2025 10:42

FlockofSquirrels · 03/09/2025 20:47

Ok so to recap:
-Six years ago OP's daughter passed away. In an attempt to help the grandson who had lost his mum OP chose to not have her daughter's nieces, cousins, or siblings' spouses at the cremation ceremony
-OP's sister was upset that her children, the deceased's cousins, were excluded. She chose to cut contact with OP over this.
-Three years ago OP's sister-in-law, married to one of OP's brothers, posted a photo with OP's estranged sister (so the SIL's SIL). This included a caption about loving having a close sister-in-law, but nothing to do with OP or her deceased daughter.
-OP was angry about this post and contacted the SIL and her brother about it. Presumably these feelings were because OP didn't like that her brother and his wife were so close with the sister who had cut contact with OP. OP has not described what she said or did to express her upset, but it was at the level she felt she needed to apologize. Brother and SIL accepted the apology.
-Now the SIL doesn't want to host OP in their home and OP doesn't understand why

OP, do I have that all correct?

It's going to be almost impossible for anyone to comment about how unreasonable your SIL is being without knowing what you actually said or did in response to her (very reasonable) post.

Have you visited your SIL and brother since this happened 3 years ago? How has the relationship actually been?

How very efficient of you to summarise the key points for OP. I am sure such a -well, concise remark is helpful in a meeting but you've jarred me with the 'ok, so recap,' approach to someone's deep grief and loss, so I hope that lack of sensitivity hasn't upset OP.

nomas · 08/09/2025 10:55

Brunettesmorefun · 08/09/2025 10:29

My sister was invited to my daughter’s funeral. She cut contact with me as we could not include my daughter’s cousins and partners because of how we arranged her funeral (my grandsons wishes and what he could cope with). We had to keep to a very small circle in the chapel at the crematorium. My sister ignored me on the day and when I tried to hug her on leaving she told me she would never see me again.
Everyone including cousins were invited to a memorial service in the afternoon.

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Your sister is truly despicable.

At times like this, you give the bereaved person leeway and the benefit of the doubt in order to make things easier for them.

What your sister did is so far outside the bounds of sisterly or normal behaviour that I would cut her out for the rest of her life.