So upset with my brother and his wife

[Brunettesmorefun]

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

It was 3 years later.

Only person op should have been mad at all was her own sister for her shitty behaviour back then cutting off her bereaved sister.

I wasn't aware of a time limit on grief . . .

So what sil has done wrong is post a pic of her and her husbands sister?
Having grief means no one else are allowed a relationship?
Being that controlling is OK?

It's not pathetic. That must have really hurt you.

Of course it wasn't a good idea to bring that up with her, but your feelings about your SIL basically taking your place in your sister's life and bragging about it on FB are absolutely valid.

I wasn’t aware I could get away with being horrible to someone because someone I loved died years ago…

im so sorry for the loss of your dd, you must be utterly heartbroken 💔 sending hugs for you.
i wonder if your db and sil clearly cannot comprehend the loss of the child.

Are you the sister?

Nope.

Fortunately because I wouldn’t have even accepted the apology for a phone call berating me for daring to be close to my husbands sibling because another sibling wasn’t.

OP acknowledged multiple times that this wasn’t her finest hour and she apologised at the time. If my reading of the timeline is right this was three years ago.

Honestly that tracks.

I don't think I'd be at all OK three years or probably 30 years after losing a child to suicide!

If I was the SIL in that situation and wanted to post that photo accompanied by sentimental words about how close we were, I'd adjust my audience for it so that I wasn't rubbing it in OP's face.

There are a couple of people in my friends list who I know would be hurt by the occasional photo that I might post. So for those posts I set the audience for 'friends except...'. It's the thoughtful thing to do.

@Bettysroasties Op apologised.

In some people's world there is no room for mistakes or errors of judgment or compassion for that matter.

Back in the real world people make errors of judgment and mistakes. We recognise those errors by validating how that made the person feel, apologising and trying not to make the same mistake again. Be that better person.

SiL posted a photo of herself and the OPs sister with some kind of gushing annotation. Of course people are allowed to have relationships for goodness sake.

But for the SiL to not understand why the OP would be upset about reading and seeing such a post - bearing in mind that OPs sister has gone NC with her since her daughter's funeral. This shows me that SiL has very limited emotional intelligence to bear a grudge about the OPs upset over the photo.

It's just bloody sad and I'm team OP.

Even though I told my sister in law that I was upset over the photo, every year if it comes up as a memory, she reposts it. Of course I have learnt my lesson the hard way and ignore it now.

I think that’s pretty horrible of her OP. And I’m sorry that you’ve been cut off but I think you’re better off without these people in your life. It’s really sad that your close relationships have seemingly been thrown away by them.

Because it was totally unnecessary.
Why do it unless she was having a dig at OP?
Surely she and OP's brother , if they had any decency and compassion, should have been encouraging the sister to apologise to OP for her unpleasant behaviour rather than posting pictures with the express purpose of showing their solidarity with the sister.

Why are you following them both if seeing a photo of them together is so upsetting to see?

I agree. If possible, OP, spend time with the good friends who care about you, and give minimal headspace to the others.

Now that we have the full story, I think your sil is a pretty toxic character. Google 'grey rock'. I think that's your best bet for dealing with her going forward.

My sister blocked me on social media immediately after my daughter’s funeral. I kept my sister in law on my social media as she posts photos of my nieces and nephews which are nice to see as they don’t live close to me.

That’s bloody awful OP! I’m so sorry. Perhaps you weren’t as close as you believed - that’s a shocking thing to do to a bereaved sibling.

Leave them to their weird behaviour, concentrate on the people who care for you, on your grandson and on happy memories of your daughter.

@Brunettesmorefun you did nothing wrong over the funeral. You did everything right for a child who had lost his mum. His feelings werr the important ones here. Your sister is a dick and honestly you dont need that sort of narcissism in your life when you are grieving.

My fil refused to come to his own grandchild's funeral because I told him I wasn't wasting hours of my time finding a restaurant he could take the dog in. The day was about supporting his son who was abiut to bury his child not abiut their bloody dog. He hasn't spoken to me much since! I am adog lover and owner but honestly some people are ridiculous.

Dh's sister announced i. January, less than a year after her nephew had died thatbit had happened, couldn't be changed so her brother needed to "just get over it". It's a bloody good job we live at opposite sides of the country or I think I'd probably be in jail!

People lose their heads over things like this. They dont know how to deal with the grief so they say and do stupid things. Sometimes without thinking, but often just because they dont have the empathy to be kind

Thought that too, it was an unnecessarily nasty comment.

You seem to have been treated very shoddily by both your SIL/brother and sister, OP, you have been through so much with little support from them, it seems. Time to let them go and focus on the more deserving people in your life, perhaps? I wouldn’t be surprised if they come crawling back at some point though, when life hits them for six.

All the best to you.

They are awful people and it's a mercy that they've removed themselves from your life. You've done nothing wrong and don't need this shower of shit.