So upset with my brother and his wife

[Brunettesmorefun]

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

Never underestimate people’s ability to play the victim based on another person’s tragedy.

I totally believe OP, having similar relatives.

OP I've seen this happen a couple if times - somebody has a terrible life event and of the people who obviously should be there some find an excuse to disengage, often blaming the victim.

It's a kind of superstitious fear - cowardice, really, as if misfortune could be contagious. And among the worst things I've seen happening.

Write those people off. If you try to repair anything, do so strictly in your interest, e.g. to make gatherings easier.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It seems like you lost your sister, your brother and your sil at the same time.

A lot of people are absolutely unable to cope with grief and loss in other people and handle it very very badly. Even if you handled something in not-quite-the-best-way, their reaction is terrible. It really is them not you.

This sounds utterly awful. There is nothing you should do, other than continue to move forward and keep crafting a happy life for you and your grandson.
Your sister and SIL sound lacking in empathy and understanding. They should have afforded you whatever you wanted in terms of funeral arrangements without any rebuke. When people are going through such intense grief it as our job to forgive them anything a the initial aftermath.
I guess you find out what people are truly like in these situations.
Much love ❤️

As others have said, I've also seen this sort of behaviour. One of my aunts was very close to her SIL (brother's wife). When brother and his wife lost a baby to SIDS my aunt chose something to get annoyed about and claimed that the SIL had upset her, then fell out with her. The truth of the matter is my aunt is extremely emotionally immature and couldn't cope with the situation, so manufactured a row to put her SIL in the wrong and reassure herself that she wasn't a horrible monster.

I imagine that if your SIL is close to your sister, over the years they'll have discussed the situation between you two. Your sister did something incredibly nasty, cutting you out after your DD died, but she'll need the people around her to justify it and tell her she did the right thing - that's your SIL's role. I imagine when you got annoyed about that photo online, what tiny bit of conscience your SIL had started to bother her - it's very obvious that your sister is a total dickhead. But rather than admit that, your SIL has to make you the bad guy, so she's slowly talked herself into that over time. You bringing up the photo made it harder for her to convince herself, so now you have to be cut out.

When push comes to shove a lot of people are very disappointing and selfish. They want to reassure themselves they're good, so they'll go to great lengths to protect their own ego, even when it's obvious they're totally in the wrong. When someone is so invested in not seeing the truth there's nothing you can do but walk away, unfortunately. It's so shit. I'm sorry you've had to experience it on top of your terrible loss.

I tried counselling but to be honest it just made me feel worse. I ended up crying for hours afterwards so I gave it up.

Surely that shows the counselling was working?
You can't just bottle up the grief and refuse to cry. The point of counselling is not to make you feel better, sometimes it has to make you feel worse before you start to heal.

Perhaps try another counsellor, when you feel ready to give it another go.
Grief takes time, and it is a painful thing that you have to go through, not avoid, otherwise you get emotionally "stuck".

I am so so sorry for your loss, and for the dreadful family problems you have had on top of that terrible loss.

Haven't read all comments but op I am very sorry for your loss. It stands out to me that your sisters behaviour was the worst here. You lost a child and she made it about her! You were only trying to do the best for your grandson. It's not like she and her dc were excluded from the funeral! You were entitled to have a very small gathering first. How dare she.

I can imagine how the post would have upset you, as it could have appeared to you that your sil was publicly taking your sisters side. As others have said, I'm not sure how you expressed this, but if you were my family I would be cutting you a huge amount of slack after what you've been through.

I have been totally honest and upfront here. Since the FB incident I have probably been in her company a handful of times, been friendly towards her and never mentioned it since. I think as another poster said,she has simply decided to side with my sister? Sadly I haven’t spoken to my sister since the funeral so I don’t know.
My sister in law has form for falling out with people. Her own daughter in law has nothing to do with her.

I think it's horribly sad but these people add toxicity to your life and you will be happier without them playing a big part in your life. Even though it really hurts. You need to take back control.

I think they can't cope with the "new you" following your awful tragedy. I think they'll find any excuse to put the blame onto you, whatever you do.

Decide how you want to play it e.g keep it Xmas cards/birthday cards or total cut off. You've been through the worst pain, this won't be fun but these people are showing no empathy or wanting to sort things out.

Focus on the people who support you, nake you feel good.
And go back to therapy.

Your family has acted disgracefully, to lose your daughter like that and not support you is beyond words.
Surround yourself with people who lift you up and understand your grief and healing.
I would be putting myself first and not engaging with sil and get therapy to deal with your losses, including that of your sister. For your sister to cut you off in that time is a blow I would never forgive.
I wish you peace in moving forward.

Dear OP,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Absolutely devastating and so disappointing that your family have responded in this way. You are not to blame here. It sounds as if your SIL was being deliberately provocative with the original post and it was big of you to apologise in the first place. I don't know that there is anything that you can do other than hope they come to their senses and apologise for their behaviour and, in the meantime, I hope that you can find love and support from others. Will be thinking of you.

Can I just say that if anyone I know had a child who died, I’d probably cut them some slack for the rest of their life. I’d give them extra love and support not less . Even if you were out of order where is your benefit of the doubt or support? It’s hard and sad but as a PP said maybe they don’t have the maturity and emotional strength to support you Suicide is a bit like the C word or divorce, people think it’s catching. At least you know who they really are . Keep the lovely people close and anyone else I wouldn’t waste my time on. You have enough to cope with . I hope at least they have been supportive to your grandchildren . Sending love and strength x

Thank you. Neither my grandchildren or my other two children hear from them sadly.

I just wanted to say thank you for the support, wisdom and (mostly) kind words on here. It really does help as I have spent hours, mainly at night thinking it all through, wishing none of this had ever happened and hoping we could all go back to how we were. I never in a million years thought I could lose my darling daughter and then lose contact with my siblings. We were just an ordinary family.

I’m sorry to hear that, which i guess is further proof that it is not you and definitely them. What could your grandchildren possibly have done .

Then don’t give them another thought. Block them, protect your peace. Shitty to treat you this way, even worse to treat your children and GC the same.

She is no loss OP. Upsetting about your brother but you will have to take time to process this and come to understand he made choices based on his interests (a quiet life I expect) rather than having qualities of compassion and decency.

I imagine you think about this a lot - perhaps also because there is an element of not knowing and lack of closure. This will take work on your part to put behind you. I am sorry about your daughter.

Thank you. I need to think about the relationship with my brother now. He very rarely calls me but I would like to keep in touch with him.

You said you cut him off? If your intention is to keep in touch then it’s not wise to try to cut him off and then change your mind

I just find it so hard not being in contact with my family and wish we. could go back to how we were.

You’re right. It’s so so so so hard. People who haven’t been through it will never get it. I have been in the position of cutting family off unfortunately.
I just think that it’s a serious thing and you can’t flip flop. As much as you think bro is wrong, I think you have to have your boundaries clear and not play with that. That’s not fair on him or you. And if you’d like to keep in touch, you’ll need to apologise for cutting him off imho.

Thank you. That is helpful and I am very happy to apologise to him.

I realise that our relationship will probably be different but at least he and I could meet up. I live 3 hours away from him so it’s not as though we are used to seeing each other every week.

If you're not allowed at their house, I'd do more than hide her, I'd unfriend and block her. It's stress and drama you don't need in your life x

I am sorry for your loss, OP.

I think your sister has treated you terribly, the funeral arrangements were made for the benefit of your grieving grandsons and it was absolutely right that you did so. I don’t understand your sisters reaction and I think you are better off without her in your life.

I think you were wrong in regards to your SIL’s post and I can see why you apologised. I have my doubts that it was vindictively aimed at you, as other posters believe- it was 3 years after OP’s bereavement and the falling out with her sister, not the next day or next month or even the next year. OP’s DB & SIL (and other siblings) are allowed to have a close relationship with whoever they like, separately to their relationship with OP. They are also allowed to post photos of them together on FB. It’s not got anything to do with OP, it isn’t likely to have been put up deliberately to hurt OP, but much more likely to have been posted without any thought or reference to OP’s views (because it’s not relevant to SIL’s relationship with OP’s sister). I don’t think OP can decide what can and cannot be posted by her SIL.

That said, I think that your SIL should have accepted the apology and moved on, or made clear she couldn’t. To wait this long and then cut you off seems odd- and unfair. Are you sure that something else has not happened?

This makes sense. Best of luck