So upset with my brother and his wife

[Brunettesmorefun]

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

No, that was OP's sister, not her SIL.

Yes that is the timeline. I have seen my sister in law several times since the social media post and she has been cool with me. I have tried to make things up by sending her a couple of gifts and always remember her birthday etc. Then out of the blue around 3 months ago I get the message that I am not welcome in their house any more. So I can only presume it is because I had been upset about her FB post.

Impossible to give advice. You haven't said what was in the upsetting post and why you apologized. Surely she should apologize. Also something must have happened recently.
We are only hearing half of the story.
I understand you must be very fragile suffering an appalling loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. You must have been through a world of pain. I am also sorry that your immediate family includes a pair of truly toxic bitches women who are being so cruel towards you. Your sil sounds as bad as your sister, and I think she deliberately taunted you. Honestly, in your shoes I would have nothing whatsoever to do with either of them again, and turn your attention to those who love and support you.

I sometimes wonder if people are cruel because they know you have a weakness. I’m sorry that your sister in law is such a selfish arsehole.

I mean based on her update she was wrong. And yes her sister is being mean but still OP didn’t handle it properly which she admits.

At this point she just needs to leave the door open, let them be and focus on her healing and her grandkids.

Social media causes so many issues when many use it as a passive aggressive way as I believe your SIL did. Obviously they felt put out there was no invite to your DDs funeral and decide to punish you by putting out a gushing FB post sidelining you. Petty, vindictive and totally lacking in compassion. I would block them and focus on your GC. I would not have apologised but then I wouldn’t have confronted her over the photo either. Just hide their posts if they upset you and don’t bother with gifts etc in the future. You sound better off without them.

Seriously??!

I'm so sorry OP - a horrible loss compounded by these horrible family fallouts.

I don't know how your sister and SIL can look at themselves in the mirror, knowing how appallingly they've treated you after what you have been through.

I think I would understand as the SIL. OP lost her child and then her sister cut her off directly after the funeral because she didn’t like her children being left out of the earlier smaller service which was done for the bereaved grandchild. Three years later OP got upset about the SIL publicly posting how close SIL and sister are and then OP apologised afterward for doing so. SIL has now also cut OP off to the point that she’s not allowed in her own brother’s house.

I think it sounds small-minded and callous.

I actually agree here, I think if she had accepted your apology then I would assume the first post was innocent. But actually, because she’s been as cruel as the sister and kept it going for three years and even then upped her game, it makes it seem as though she’s not a great person.

Oh and I’d probably not want to be super close with someone that cut off a bereaved mother because they didn’t like the funeral arrangements. I mean WTF…

It’s actually reminding me of a friend’s elderly mother whose sister-in-law cut her dead because she hadn’t mentioned her in her mother’s eulogy. The mother had been so nervous about the eulogy and since then has had really strained contact with her brother as a result.

Your sister is an awful human being. So is your sister in law.

This. Absolutely. I think they’ve both done you a favour by removing themselves from your life op. They’re a pair of bullies . I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope your grandsons continue to make progress. Sometimes it’s hard to fathom how little empathy people can have.

Are you sure the current dis-invitation has anything to do with your reaction to the photo three years ago? It could be that this SIL chose sides in the rift between you and your sister early on. First she showed it passive aggressively by bragging on her socials about how close they are, and now she has come out with it all the way. But we are just assuming. Does your brother say why the sudden message?

Either way, I’m having a feeling you’re putting a lot into a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem so great. Personally, if my grieving SIL was so hurt by a gushing SM post as to say something and then apologize, I’d not repost it annually. It’s pretty self explanatory why her gushing post would be triggering to you. Okay, maybe you don’t want to take it out on SIL, but if she has any kindness in her to you or emotional intelligence or empathy, she’d not keep doing it. Maybe your brother is just caught in the middle of this.

This thread made me sad. The fact is that they are giving no grace to a grieving mother and have made it about themselves despite so many apologies. For God’s sake this isn’t about them and they should be rallying around you, not making things worse.

I’m really sorry for your loss and then this further stress.

Wrong thread

At the time of the FB ost I knew that my brothers and sister were all having a long weekend together (which we have always done) and I was feeling upset as of course I was excluded because of my sister. I was at a low ebb that weekend so reacted when I saw the photo. I have now hidden my SL on social media.

It sounds to me like your sister and SIL were looking for an excuse to exclude you.

That they have picked your daughter’s funeral as the catalyst is one of the most reprehensible and degenerate things I have read on MN.

I’m so sorry, OP.

Do you have other family and friends? I would concentrate on them and stop contacting brother etc.

Did anything at all happen three months ago, to trigger the message about being banned from their house? It seems really odd to have come out of nowhere.

Im sorry for what you're going through but you really dont need people like your sister and sister in law in your life. They have both kicked you while you are going through probably the worst thing anyone can. They are vile human beings.

Do not apologise again. Or chase them. Thats giving them power over you. Let them be. Focus on the good people around you. Keep negative people away.

At the time of the FB ost I knew that my brothers and sister were all having a long weekend together (which we have always done) and I was feeling upset as of course I was excluded because of my sister. I was at a low ebb that weekend so reacted when I saw the photo.

Bloody hell.

They are all horrors.

I am lucky in that I have amazing friends who have understood me and I am forever grateful to them. Also my husband and other two children, we are very close.

I remember my GP said to me after I lost my daughter that ‘this will change you and people will have to get used to the new you’.

Not buying that nothing else happened. Something has upset sil. Clearly!

Your GP sounds wise. Some of your family clearly don’t like the more assertive Brunette. Stuff them.