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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with my brother and his wife

229 replies

Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 18:10

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

OP posts:
deadpan · 03/09/2025 21:46

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 03/09/2025 20:29

Given this context I simply wouldn't bother with her.

She stopped talking to you because you did what was best for you and your grandson when you had both suffered such a massive loss?

After the funeral of my daughter I had a 'friend', who had been to my sons funeral a few years previously, get upset because I didn't invite her to my daughters funeral (she never met my daughter). She called me selfish etc, and said I should have had the same people at both of their funerals.

She was my oldest friend, and I simply walked away from her. Her attitude was so shitty, and I had been through so much, I didn't need any additional crap from anyone.

It wasn't your finest hour commenting on that photo, of course, but she had made the worst time in your life, even more crap, and withdrew much needed support because she felt snubbed, so I absolutely understand why you snapped.

Even at this point in your grief you need to be surrounded by people who will be supportive and understanding and not centre themselves, your SIL is not one of those people 💐

Show quote history

What awful situations you've had 🩵 I've found with bereavements, that you don't only have your own reaction to cope with, but other people's as well. You find out who your friends are.

everardshutthatdoor · 03/09/2025 21:46

I can’t imagine how they could make this about them when you had suffered such a devastating loss. I agree with a PP, this is gaslighting and they are awful people. Shame on them.

I am so so sorry for your loss. X

gmgnts · 03/09/2025 21:49

So sorry for your terrible loss, and sorry that your sister and SIL have made things so much worse for you. Flowers

AutumnLover1989 · 03/09/2025 21:52

Why did you apologise?

rainingsnoring · 03/09/2025 21:54

Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 21:25

My sister blocked me on social media immediately after my daughter’s funeral. I kept my sister in law on my social media as she posts photos of my nieces and nephews which are nice to see as they don’t live close to me.

Show quote history

Your sister sounds horrible. Anyone making the occasion of a funeral of her own sister, with a young son, all about herself is utterly selfish and nasty.
Your SIL was very insensitive to share a gushing picture of herself and your sister on social media, knowing that you would see it. She should have apologised to you when you spoke. Unfortunately, you have some pretty horrible family. Have you messaged or emailed your brother to ask why you are not allowed in their house?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2025 21:58

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Both your sister and your SIL sound horrible and vindictive.

Your sister cutting you off so soon after you lost your daughter, and as a result of the funeral arrangements, is almost unforgivable. Truly beyond belief.

And in that context, your SIL posting about how close they are is insensitive at best. Maybe, but only maybe, it was ill advised to take it up with her. It may not have been aimed at you (though her subsequent behaviour suggests it might have been). Her reaction to your upset - making you apologise for it when you were/ are still grieving was cruel and unkind. Her continued behaviour of posting the memory every year, because she knows it upset you, and in order to say “look I won this argument and I can do as I like” is nasty in the extreme.

I would be happy not to be allowed in their house and would have nothing to do with any of them.

How is your grandson getting along now?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2025 22:02

I’m so sorry you lost your daughter in such a sad way too. Sounds like you were a brilliant gran supporting him too xx

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 03/09/2025 22:03

Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 20:37

She was saying that my sister and her are so close and it is lovely, how much she enjoys seeing them when she knows I no longer see my sister. It sounds rather pathetic now and that is why I apologised.

Show quote history

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. I would have felt like it was rubbing salt in the wound at what I can only imagine was the worst time in your life. Honestly, I think your sil is the one who should have apologised. ❤️

Family should have been rallying round you and your grandson. You did your very best to include everyone in a way that would work for your grandson and what you did sounds perfect.

Advice given to me by an older and wiser dear friend, in a similar situation, is keep away from toxic people as much as you are able, so they can't play with your mind. Focus on you, and those that build you up, not tear you down.

I am so sorry for your loss🌹💐❤️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/09/2025 22:03

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2025 21:58

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Both your sister and your SIL sound horrible and vindictive.

Your sister cutting you off so soon after you lost your daughter, and as a result of the funeral arrangements, is almost unforgivable. Truly beyond belief.

And in that context, your SIL posting about how close they are is insensitive at best. Maybe, but only maybe, it was ill advised to take it up with her. It may not have been aimed at you (though her subsequent behaviour suggests it might have been). Her reaction to your upset - making you apologise for it when you were/ are still grieving was cruel and unkind. Her continued behaviour of posting the memory every year, because she knows it upset you, and in order to say “look I won this argument and I can do as I like” is nasty in the extreme.

I would be happy not to be allowed in their house and would have nothing to do with any of them.

How is your grandson getting along now?

Agree with this all

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 03/09/2025 22:05

Sorry for your loss and what you're going through OP.

I'd cut your brother some slack as it sounds like SIL would give him a hard time for sticking up for you.

He may well have tried, hence the "she can be stubborn" comment.

It's a tough thing, but try and meet your DB elsewhere if possible.

Original poster
Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 22:13

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/09/2025 21:58

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Both your sister and your SIL sound horrible and vindictive.

Your sister cutting you off so soon after you lost your daughter, and as a result of the funeral arrangements, is almost unforgivable. Truly beyond belief.

And in that context, your SIL posting about how close they are is insensitive at best. Maybe, but only maybe, it was ill advised to take it up with her. It may not have been aimed at you (though her subsequent behaviour suggests it might have been). Her reaction to your upset - making you apologise for it when you were/ are still grieving was cruel and unkind. Her continued behaviour of posting the memory every year, because she knows it upset you, and in order to say “look I won this argument and I can do as I like” is nasty in the extreme.

I would be happy not to be allowed in their house and would have nothing to do with any of them.

How is your grandson getting along now?

My daughter has 2 boys and they are incredible. I am so proud of them. The eldest has been on anti depressants and the younger one has recently been having counselling through Bereavement UK but they do talk to us about their mum and their feelings which I think will help them. Thank you for asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 22:15

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 03/09/2025 22:05

Sorry for your loss and what you're going through OP.

I'd cut your brother some slack as it sounds like SIL would give him a hard time for sticking up for you.

He may well have tried, hence the "she can be stubborn" comment.

It's a tough thing, but try and meet your DB elsewhere if possible.

I have done that and met him for dinner with my husband. I try very hard not to be upset with him.

OP posts:
Twinkletwinklelittlestar97 · 03/09/2025 22:24

@PinkyFlamingo yes you're quite right, thanks for pointing this out. My apologies op xx

Moonlightbean123 · 03/09/2025 22:27

Op im so.sorry for your loss. i think your sister is absolutely ridiculous for not speaking to you over this issue. You're her sister and you was going thru alot and you didnt snub anyone and at the end of the day its not a reason to cut you out, even if she was upset. As for your brother and sister in law, i think even if you offended them , they accepted your apology all those years ago so to go cold now is stupid. They all sound toxic. You haven't done anything wrong. You lost your child, you was upset, ok you might have said some things or done things they didnt like, but its not a reason to be cruel to you. Stay away from them. Keep only positive ppl in your life. Xx

HollyIvy89 · 03/09/2025 22:27

You have done Nothing wrong. Your sister has made your loss about herself by snubbing you since and your sister in law has joined in with photo. She knew exactly what she was doing. They are cruel.

Your brother sadly is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you can face it try keep up your relationship with him and keep it separate from his wife.

focus on the family you have. I am really sorry you have to go through this on top of a tragic loss.

Mummabear41227 · 03/09/2025 22:33

Let them, by Mel Robbins. Listen to it. Read
it. Follow it on insta. Live it.

It’s life changing, particularly for situations such as these. I hope it brings you some comfort.

So sorry for your loss xx

Scentedjasmin · 03/09/2025 22:34

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm going to change the subject slightly here, but was wondering if you have ever tried a pottery class? It's just that a couple of years ago, whilst feeling low I joined a pottery class. It was filled with like minded individuals who also happened to be struggling with loss and wanted to do something therapeutic as a distraction. It's a small group of about 8 of us. The wonderful thing about pottery is that it is so easily accessible to all. You don't have to be artistic. There are a variety of methods to suit all. Using your hands is really relaxing, but it doesn't require masses of attention so you can have a good chat and a laugh whilst pottering away. I found that chatting through things whilst in a relaxed state really helped me to process things. It's also great fun and has lifted my mood. Two years on and I now have my own studio and offer free sessions to people also going through difficult times. It's just a really lovely relaxing hobby to have. I think that's it's really important to take care of yourself and join a small class doing something that you enjoy for a few hours a week, particularly if you have suffered loss. Apologies if this seems a bit left field, but I personally have found it more helpful than counselling.

As for your sil, you don't need to apologise. In fact, really she should have apologised to you. She should have recognised that you were in a bad place and been more sensitive. Your sister was well out of order. No doubt she was also grieving, but not nearly on the same scale as you and your grandson. Personally I would just move on from them and focus on yourself and your own well being.

Wishing you all the best. Xx

Sunshineandrainbows23 · 03/09/2025 22:40

Mummabear41227 · 03/09/2025 22:33

Let them, by Mel Robbins. Listen to it. Read
it. Follow it on insta. Live it.

It’s life changing, particularly for situations such as these. I hope it brings you some comfort.

So sorry for your loss xx

Yes, I'm listening to it on Audible. Really good advice.

DoYouReally · 03/09/2025 22:42

I'm so sorry that you daughter died. I cannot imagine who difficult that is. ❤️

I'm gobsmacked that people can be done nasty and resent you putting a grieving child who lose his my by suicide first.

Her two boys are so lucky to have you and I'm sure you daughter would be so happy they have you.

Take care of yourself and to hell those who treat you badly. It's a reflection of them rather than you.

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/09/2025 22:44

So 3 years later, you sister in law posted a photo of her husband and your (and his) sister, the one who doesn’t speak to you since the funeral, saying they are close?

i don’t want to diminish your grief, but that was a bit nuts of you. Two of your siblings are allowed to share to their friends that it’s lovely to have the relationship they do, and it wasn’t days or weeks or months after your daughter’s funeral, it was years. I get that you apologised, but it was very policing things you don’t get a say in and that are also very normal.

Presseddaisy · 03/09/2025 22:46

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have such a horrible sister and sister in law. You weren't being over sensitive by being upset by her Facebook post in the first place - it was hurtful. I imagine your brother is in a difficult position as he is married to that awful woman.

Dery · 03/09/2025 22:46

@DoYouReally has nailed it. Your sister sounds awful and your SIL not much of a loss. It’s beyond me how people can be so cruel to someone who’s suffered such an appalling loss but I’m seeing similar happening to a good friend of mine. IME most people are generally decent and kind but some people are just arseholes from beginning to end. Sounds like your sister is in that category and your SIL not far off. I’d let them go and concentrate on your friends - your “logical family” as Armistead Maupin terms them.

BacktoIrelandMaybe · 03/09/2025 22:55

So very sorry for your loss and that you've also been hurt by your family when you were grieving. You sound like a wonderful loving grandmother and your grandchildren are so lucky to have you.

Rewis · 03/09/2025 22:59

6 years ago your daughter passed away, your sister felt snubbed and you haven't spoken since. You and your bother have been fine. 3 years ago your SIL posts a pic with your sister and you got upset and let her know. You sorted it out, but it was not really sorted but fine-ish. Now 3 months ago, you were informed that you're not welcome at your brothet and SIL's house. Is this timeline right? Are we sure all these things are related to each other?

augustalready25 · 03/09/2025 22:59

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Without a shadow of a doubt, your SIL and sister have been incredibly cruel to you. Shame on them. I cannot wrap my head around how people could be so heartless.