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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So upset with my brother and his wife

229 replies

Brunettesmorefun · 03/09/2025 18:10

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

OP posts:

ClarasSisters · 03/09/2025 18:56

I feel like you've kept this so short you've left out a lot of relevant background information.

Have you spoken to your brother about it?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 03/09/2025 19:05

Im so sorry for your loss @Brunettesmorefun I have a very altered relationship with my in-laws and sil since my husband's son passed away last year so I understand the complexity here.

I do think more context is needed, but im purchase, dh found it hard to talk to his family. His sister is childless through choice and his parents have no empathy whatsoever. I was the go between and after so me pretty knobish comments including not understanding why the 1 year anniversary would trigger him or the fact that my best friend dropped dead out of the blue and I was grieing for her too I lost my shit. They have also done as people here have suggested has happened for you and tried to make it about them. I didn't back down and we have barely spoken since.

You can't make people understand or empathise. Try not to stress on it. They arent family if they cant see you will never fully heal.and temper their behaviour to be kind to.you!

Notimeforaname · 03/09/2025 19:08

How do others cope with similar situations?

Kinda need to know the situation first!

Mo819 · 03/09/2025 19:14

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter there is no greater pain than the loss of a child and if I'm reading this correctly and your sister in law has fell out with you because you have lost your rag when you are at your most vulnerable then I wouldn't be pandering to her . But hard to give advice here hun .

Cherrysoup · 03/09/2025 19:16

Why did you apologise?

Endofyear · 03/09/2025 19:18

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter 💐

I'm not sure people can make a judgement on your situation without knowing more of the context, though I understand you probably are worried to say too much in case it could be outing.

If you've apologised and tried to make amends and your SIL is still holding a grudge, there's not much you can do about that. It's sad that they don't want to move forward in a positive way but don't let it take over your life - spend time with those you love and who love you. Concentrate on the relationships in your life that bring you joy. Look after yourself lovely 💐

MyAcornWood · 03/09/2025 19:20

Without more context, it’s pretty hard to say but ultimately you just have to resign yourself to acceptance of their decision, you can’t control what they do.
I’m sorry for your loss 💐

PrincessofWells · 03/09/2025 19:23

I cannot imagine what losing a child would be like, but it can't be something from which you ever recover, you carry on, but it must impact your day, every day.

For that reason, whatever it is you're supposed to have done, you should be forgiven and cut some slack.

alondonerabroad · 03/09/2025 19:24

Sorry for your loss but why are you apologising? Not once but multiple times? Surely they should be apologising to you?

InMyOpenOnion · 03/09/2025 19:29

We need more context, but do you know why you are suddenly not welcome, as opposed to that being the case at the time of the upset?

goldenretrieverenergy · 03/09/2025 19:31

Impossible to answer without knowing what the post was about

ShoesOff998 · 03/09/2025 19:35

You've left out a big chunk of the story.

You said you apologised so you must have accepted you did something wrong.

The problem with apologies is they don't actually fix anything. No one is obliged to accept and move on just because you said "sorry". And there isn't much your brother can do either. She's her own person, if she doesn't want to meet you, that's that really.

Digdongdoo · 03/09/2025 19:38

You'll have to elaborate OP.

9ctbull · 03/09/2025 19:40

You apologised suggesting you were In the wrong, maybe elaborate

Muffsies · 03/09/2025 19:41

I imagine you can't tell us exactly what she posted, but it was something that offended you in relation to your late daughter. I think that the key to whether she is being unreasonable or not will be down to;

(a) how insensitive was her post, could it reasonably have been made without knowingly intending any offence?

(b) how bad was your reaction, did you post back accusing her of being insensitive? Did you insult or hurt her publicly or privately?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2025 19:44

What did you apologise for?

Muffsies · 03/09/2025 19:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2025 19:44

What did you apologise for?

I'm guessing because she either got the wrong end of the stick about SIL's post, or maybe she lashed out and posted back something hurtful or insulting. The problem is, without knowing it's impossible to tell if the SIL is being unreasonable or not.

BettysRoasties · 03/09/2025 19:52

I’m going to guess. Sil did a post like PP said about welcoming a first grand baby or something.

Op right to be upset from the carelessness exploded about it. Sil meant no harm but foot in mouth. Op apologised but likely said some very hurtful things. Sils never forgiven her for this outburst during her pregnancy. Or something like that. Since op gives no further details.

SpryUmberZebra · 03/09/2025 19:52

DeeKitch · 03/09/2025 18:16

What did she do?

Sorry for your loss xx

Given after they discussed OP was the one who apologised it may be more a case of what did OP do.

minipie · 03/09/2025 19:56

I’m guessing you got very angry when the SM post came out and said some hurtful things to SIL?? And then apologised but she hasn’t forgiven you.

But we really need to know why you apologised and why they are angry at you. As you have only described what they did wrong, not what you did, the rest doesn’t make sense.

ThatCyanCat · 03/09/2025 19:59

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss. We need to know more about the post and what happened afterwards before we can comment on that, but as a general comment, I do think a grieving parent should get a lot of slack.

lovethenights · 03/09/2025 19:59

Sorry for your loss op but nothing you have typed makes any sense at all.

tinyspiny · 03/09/2025 20:01

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 03/09/2025 18:23

So SHE wrote an offensive post online while you were grieving, and YOU were the one who ended up apologising and grovelling?
And now she is offended at you? For getting offended at her offensive post?

That's gaslighting OP. Steer clear. Your brother has picked a right charmer

Edited

The OPs daughter died 6 yrs ago and the argument was 3 yrs later , not sure how you come to your conclusion

Hairshare · 03/09/2025 20:02

Sorry for your loss, OP. This sounds a very upsetting situation with your brother and SIL. Can you tell us more about what happened?

Whatatodo79 · 03/09/2025 20:03

I am sure that the loss of your child has changed all your relationships with everyone. I am so sorry OP. Heck knows what has gone on here but I think I would offer an open olive branch 'i am so sorry that we seem to have fallen out, you are so important to me, i know things have been so difficult with my grief' and leave it at that. A bit of distance and time might help. Have you had any thoughts about getting counselling for yourself? Best wishes to you

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