So upset with my brother and his wife

[Brunettesmorefun]

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

What did she post?

Sending you a lot of love. It is so, so, so hard to lose a child and I suspect that your SiL is expecting you to get over it. Six years on, you will still be learning to live with it - you never "get over it", you just learn to live a little more each year. Presumably she cannot accept your grief and her sensitivity is more important to her. I am sorry your brother is not more understanding. HUGS xx

It somewhat depends on what OP said to SIL, how bad/personal it was, and whether it was said publicly on a post causing further upset/embarrassment.

However, almost regardless of what was said, I would give OP massive mitigation in that she's grieving the worst thing that any of us can imagine. When dealing with such overwhelming emotions it must be incredibly hard to be rational and objective. And she did apologise.

SIL may well have a right to be upset, but it would have to be something really bad to still be upset and ban OP from her home.

My daughter sadly took her own life and we were all heartbroken and shocked. I talked to my grandson about the funeral for his mum and he was finding it difficult to cope with lots of people there. Our church minister suggested a small service in the chapel in the morning (my sister, brothers and partner were included in this) then a celebration of my daughters life in the afternoon in the church. 300 people attended this. My grandson was amazing and coped so well.
Becayse we kept the cremation in the morning so small, we could not include my nieces and nephews and partners (another 21 people) but of course they came in the afternoon. My sister stopped contact with me as she felt her children had been snubbed and has not spoken to me since sadly.
The problem with my sister in law happened as she posted photos of her and my brother with their arms around each and saying how lovely they were, how close. This is what upset me. In hindsight I should have kept quiet but it caught me at a bad time.

I am so sorry for your losses.

I didn’t post anything publicly about her or my upset. I had a telephone conversation with them telling them I was upset by the post.

The problem with my sister in law happened as she posted photos of her and my brother with their arms around each and saying how lovely they were, how close. This is what upset me. In hindsight I should have kept quiet but it caught me at a bad time

Im lost as to why you go so upset about a photo of her with her husband.

Oh my goodness OP how sad for you and your grandson.
I honestly can't believe the nastiness of your sister stopping contact with you over the perceived " snub". It's beyond petty.
It sounds as though you and your grandson are better off without these unpleasant callous people in your lives.

You don’t sound like you’re able to support eachother. You made a decision about the funeral attendance in difficult circumstances so I’d have forgiven you for that. Others will have emotions over your daughter’s death, maybe seeing you makes it harder for them. I would try to keep channels open especially with younger family members.

So she made your dear daughters funeral about her feelings, instead of showing any understanding of the situation. What a bitch. So sorry for your loss xx

You don't have to apologise for being upset. You are entitled to your emotions. Theres is obviously more to the story. What did you say that you feel you to apologise for?

I honestly don’t know why she said I was suddenly not welcome in their house. They live about 3 hours from them and was planning to stay with my other brother for a few days and visit them as well, as he was recovering from an operation (although he was up and about and well enough t to see friends).
I talked to my brother but he just said ‘she can be stubborn’.

I'm so sorry, you had so much to cope with here.

The problem with my sister in law happened as she posted photos of her and my brother with their arms around each and saying how lovely they were, how close.

She was calling herself and her H lovely? What did she mean, that they are lovely people?

I do think that was bizarre behaviour from them.

Given this context I simply wouldn't bother with her.

She stopped talking to you because you did what was best for you and your grandson when you had both suffered such a massive loss?

After the funeral of my daughter I had a 'friend', who had been to my sons funeral a few years previously, get upset because I didn't invite her to my daughters funeral (she never met my daughter). She called me selfish etc, and said I should have had the same people at both of their funerals.

She was my oldest friend, and I simply walked away from her. Her attitude was so shitty, and I had been through so much, I didn't need any additional crap from anyone.

It wasn't your finest hour commenting on that photo, of course, but she had made the worst time in your life, even more crap, and withdrew much needed support because she felt snubbed, so I absolutely understand why you snapped.

Even at this point in your grief you need to be surrounded by people who will be supportive and understanding and not centre themselves, your SIL is not one of those people 💐

The photo on social media was of OP’s daughter and brother - the SIL’s husband and his niece

Agree

Need to know more and what the post was.

My sister stopped contact with me as she felt her children had been snubbed and has not spoken to me since sadly.

This is your sister, not your sister-in-law? How does this connect to the issues with your SIL and your brother she is married to?

The problem with my sister in law happened as she posted photos of her and my brother with their arms around each and saying how lovely they were, how close. This is what upset me. In hindsight I should have kept quiet but it caught me at a bad time.

You mean she posted a photo of her husband and his niece hugging with a kind comment and you got upset? What did you say to them that you needed to apologize? And how have in-person interactions gone since this happened three years ago?

This is not how I read it. I read it as the picture was of SIL and Brother with the nieces and nephews who were excluded from the funeral. The posts aren’t very clear what the issue is tbh.

It sounds as though when people should have been supporting you and continuing to support you, your sister made it all about her and her family, and your sister in law may have been at worst insensitive. Apologies should be enough when we make mistakes and errors of judgement but some people lack care and compassion.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to help with your feelings. It's really important if you don't have support to talk through your feelings so that you can better function moving forward.

It sounds as though the family dynamics aren't particularly helpful so perhaps step away and put a little emotional distance between you, and see if you can access some counselling.

I'm sorry for your loss, and hope things become easier with time.

As I understand it, OP was annoyed because SIL posted a photo of OP’s recently passed away daughter embracing her uncle who is SIL’s husband. The caption was about how close niece and uncle were, and was a possible dig at OP who had restricted how many people attended her daughter's funeral

No that's not how I read it, I think you're getting mixed up with OPs sister and sister in law

She was saying that my sister and her are so close and it is lovely, how much she enjoys seeing them when she knows I no longer see my sister. It sounds rather pathetic now and that is why I apologised.

Maybe. But weird of SIL to post a picture of herself and her DH with a caption, to quote OP, “saying how lovely they were, how close.”

wouldn’t that mean writing “we are lovely, we are close”?