So upset with my brother and his wife

[Brunettesmorefun]

I’ll try and keep this short. I lost my daughter 6 years ago and it has been hard. 3 years ago I was very upset by my sister in law and a post she made on social media. I spoke to her and my brother and told them how upset I was. We talked it through and I apologised. We alll said we would forget it and move on. Only she hasn’t. I tried to make amends by sending nice presents etc and never received a thank you.

Three months ago out of the blue they announced that I was not allowed in their house! To say I was upset is an understatement and I am so upset with my brother for not standing up for me. I am finding it difficult to get over and feel so sad.
How do others cope with similar situations?

I read it as the bro and sil had their arms around each other, but I'm not sure what the issue is with that.

@Brunettesmorefun that all sounds incredibly hard. Sending you strength 💐

Edit: see the update. Your bro and sil had their arms around your sister that has gone NC with you. I can understand why that hurt so much, but honestly they haven't really done anything wrong either. Take care of yourself and your DGC.

Not pathetic at all, grieving and she’s shit stirring - I hope you’re ok xxxx

I take it all back guys, I haven’t followed the conversation properly at all.

over and out, apologies!

İt all sounds very petty on their side and you deserve better, especially in your time of need. I'm so sorry for your loss.

We have no idea if they should be apologising to her…we don’t know the story!

I tried counselling but to be honest it just made me feel worse. I ended up crying for hours afterwards so I gave it up. I do have very good friends and they help.

It sounds like sil posted a picture of her husband (which is op brother) and their sister (whom isn't speak to op because of small Chappel service) saying how lovely said sister is when said sister has been horrible to op.
Op because she was emotionally everywhere took that as a personal Jibe at her. When op calmed a little she realised it wasn't a Jibe and apologised to sister in law.
Sister in law has never gotten over it and seems op is being ostracised from certain family members.
Op f*ck them if they couldn't see why you would be irrational at the time then they are not worth bothering with .Your brother is being spineless.
Leave them to it and concentrate on grieving your daughter and enjoying your grandson.
So sorry for your loss and your ridiculous family members x

Sorry! Hadn’t seen the update!

So sil and sister posted a photo of themselves and you got mad and berated her over the phone? Because she posted a photo that she and your sister are close.

I’m sorry about your daughter. In my experience most people don’t understand the grief and bereavement from a child dying (and they are lucky to not have that experience).

Your SIL doesn’t sound understanding or supportive. She’s decided not to speak with you anymore and perhaps that’s actually a blessing as it minimises how much she is in your life moving forward.

Not in my opinion

Gosh so hard to lose two children… I am so sorry. I hope you have lots of loving support around you. I never first one moment thought that my siblings and I would fall out so badly following the loss of my lovely girl. We were always so close.

I should clarify... they didn't do anything wrong with the photo. They're horribly mean with the banning you from the house.

poor you OP, my heart goes out to you. I have been facing my own mortality recently and reflecting that the only thing I regret is spending time trying to get along with people who leave me feeling uncomfortable , deprived of compassion and uncared for.
Wrap your arms around your beautiful grandson, and toss all of these bastards aside like confetti, you deserve so much more.

Ok so to recap:
-Six years ago OP's daughter passed away. In an attempt to help the grandson who had lost his mum OP chose to not have her daughter's nieces, cousins, or siblings' spouses at the cremation ceremony
-OP's sister was upset that her children, the deceased's cousins, were excluded. She chose to cut contact with OP over this.
-Three years ago OP's sister-in-law, married to one of OP's brothers, posted a photo with OP's estranged sister (so the SIL's SIL). This included a caption about loving having a close sister-in-law, but nothing to do with OP or her deceased daughter.
-OP was angry about this post and contacted the SIL and her brother about it. Presumably these feelings were because OP didn't like that her brother and his wife were so close with the sister who had cut contact with OP. OP has not described what she said or did to express her upset, but it was at the level she felt she needed to apologize. Brother and SIL accepted the apology.
-Now the SIL doesn't want to host OP in their home and OP doesn't understand why

OP, do I have that all correct?

It's going to be almost impossible for anyone to comment about how unreasonable your SIL is being without knowing what you actually said or did in response to her (very reasonable) post.

Have you visited your SIL and brother since this happened 3 years ago? How has the relationship actually been?

Harrowing that you have lost 2. Sending so much love

It was a really vindictive thing for your SiL to do when she knew your sister had cut contact with you in such a nasty way.

I'm not surprised you were upset given what you had to deal with losing your precious daughter and your own sister being so unsupportive of you.

That’s how I’ve read it as well.

Which means I understand why op had to be the one to apologise as the SIL did nothing wrong.

She just posted three years after the death so three years after op and her sister fell out.

That she loves her Sil and how close they are.

Depending on what op did or said to basically an innocent person I can see why Sil may not of forgiven or forgotten.

I think a lot of people prefer to fall out with bereaved parents rather than deal with us.

We are a reminder of how much one person can lose and a lot of people just can't cope with the thought of our reality.

How was in vindictive to 3 years later post a photo of herself with her sister in law and they she loves her basically? It wasn’t like it was 3 days weeks or even months. 3 years later. Are the sister and SIL never allowed to post a photo together or enjoy each others company?

Yes. I do realise it sounds rather pathetic now but I was not in a good place emotionally. That is why I apologised.

On the other hand Op has suffered an awful loss and she could have been treated with support, care, compassion and forgiveness, which is how we should all be hoping to behave under difficult and upsetting circumstances.

What did you do / say to your poor Sil?

I echo a pp who has talked about surrounding yourself with people who obviously love and care for you. If your sister/sister-in-law are not those people, then let them go. Sad as it may be. Life is not helped by people being deliberately obtuse and dramatic with banning you from their house etc. Your sister-in-law doesn't sound like she wants to forgive you.
Concentrate on the positives in your life OP. I would also recommend you retry counselling at some stage in the future - sometimes it does feel worse before it gets better. Sending hugs to you OP.

Edit to say I totally get why you were upset about the SiL sister photo. It may have been a few years after the loss of your DD but grief can last a lifetime. It's a shame SiL can't see that. And your sisters behaviour is callous and selfish.

That is such a good point. Maybe easier to fall out with us rather than have to deal with us and think if what we have gone through. Thank you for your reply x