Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

I was under the illusion that we can have it all and I come from a working class background so had a drive to make us stable financially first before anything else.

Your biology teacher at school?

Lol, no she didn't tell me to have kids early.

I'm happy that you're enjoying it so much. When regret gets you down, just remember there is flip side to the life you may be living now if you had had them earlier. I never fully understood it when people told me I couldn't have it all..I do now I've had kids!

There really is no perfect time OP. I beat myself up because I had mine very young and didn’t have the same experience most older mums have but then I look at the positives of having them younger. You just take the positives from your own situation.

But that’s a perfectly valid way of looking at it. Your original ideas weren’t wrong, you’ve just changed your mind.

So someone telling you differently wouldn’t necessarily have been correct or helpful. I didn’t start until 36 and wouldn’t change it one bit. I feel my career is stronger because of it and I’m more financially secure. As well as happier to give up the lack of freedom.

Ah yes, and prepare yourself for lots of snarky comments about how everyone else already knows this 😀

I get you. Most people say enjoy your twenties before having children. I think it came from our parents who had children very young and times were different then. Having children is the best thing that happened to me and I wish I had started sooner. I wasted many years and lots of money on going out

I always think of it this way - if you had had your children younger they wouldn’t be the children you have now IYSWIM, if you’d had children in your 20s they might have put you off kids for life because they would have been different children! I felt similarly to you, but I realised if I’d started earlier I wouldn’t actually have the 2 children I actually have now.

Having children without money and a career would have been an entirely different experience. Would you really find yourself wishing for more children if you were worrying about paying the bills or if you were going to be able to get a job?

That's really good way to look at it

Two is enough unless you are absolutely loaded they get extremely expensive particularly university.

But she explained about fertility reducing drastically with age?

I’m 40 with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I get you OP, and same here I wish I’d had them earlier, and I wish I’d had one more - but I can give them a way better life now than I could have at 30.
Also I had my first at 37. You could still have another, very easily.

It's not necessarily about fertility I am worried, it's about energy and exhaustion around childrearing.

If you started earlier you might not have got to the point in your career where you could afford to have more than 2. And I promise you'd still be knackered!

I would look on the bright side - you have a career you wouldn't otherwise have had and two lovely children. It would have been much harder to get the career part if you have kids in your 20s. Plus you can always try for a third if you want to push through the tiredness.

32 is about average. But I don’t know why anybody needed to tell you. You made choices based on what you thought was best at the time. At 36, you’re not too old to have another one if you really want to. Though I don’t know why you would if you’re exhausted with 2, which you probably still would have been at age 30.

Exactly. I had my one child just before I turned 40, entirely by my choice, and wouldn't have had it any other way. I'd had a good 20 years of adult fun, freedom, travelling, moving countries on a whim, concentrating on building a career, so I was happy to change my pace. If by 'having it all', you mean having a child and a fulfilling, flexible career that brings in a healthy income, and a social life, absolutely you can. And leaving having a child until later is key to that.

Not in London
32 is young!

i was 30, and the youngest in my NCT group by 6 years! That was London 15 years ago

I was the same age as you when I had my dc - 32 and 37. I absolutely don’t wish I had them younger! I had a fab time in my 20s. I partied. I travelled. I worked abroad. I got a PhD. It was great. Had dc in my 30s. Built a career, we started a family business, put in the all the work. Mid 40s now. We have lots more freedom now. Dh and I do a bit of travel again. I’ve walked a Camino. I’m retraining and starting a new business. Good financial security. I definitely would not want to be out partying, travelling like a 20 year old now in my 40s though! Very happy I did all that young and have freedom to enjoy other things now.

You’re 36

If you’re suffering from exhaustion it’s not because of your age at 36! It’s because you have two very very young children and it’s exhausting!

do you work full time or part time?

eldest starting school next September or just started?

I'm the same as you. I was lured into the 'strong, independent woman' chant and missed out on having more children by giving all my best years to the corporate machine. I wish I would have had 14 like my grandmother.

Misses the point but what are you retraining in @mindutopia ?

OP, I was the same when I started doing the death maths. But I’ve learned there are no guarantees in life as seemingly healthy, younger friends have sadly died way before their time.

Part of your joy (and exhaustion!) is down to age and being mature enough to enjoy your DC and be a bit nostalgic about it all…

Well all the research shows that the longer you wait the better off you are.

But I wish I'd started earlier. I am knackered with 2 small kids at 37 and have decided I'm too old for a third. Over half my friends don't yet have kids and most of them want them.

I also wish it was made more clear that egg freezing and IVF are great but not a complete insurance policy. Also that the economic system was much better so that you could live off one income if you want to. Finally I wish we just were more parent friendly as a society. In my very middle class world I don't think people are exposed to kids much before they have them and then it's obviously a huge shock!

Basically I think as a society we do have kids too late now. Not criticising people's individual choices but it can't be right when people are desperate to have kids but can't do it until they are 38 or 39.