Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

I was very much like you. Never wanted children..... until biological clock said now or never so I did. Had one at 37 and one at 39. Best decision ever.
In hindsight if I'd started a couple of years earlier I would probably have had a third. My delay was nothing to do with career though, I just enjoyed my child free life too much.
Plenty of people told me how wonderful it was to have children but I didn't believe them and was certain I wouldn't change my mind.

Everyone is unique.

I think you're under the wrong impression here, OP. In reality, you likely wouldn't be able to build up your career or have the funds for 4 children if you started in your early 20s, even mid-20s. That's unless you'd have extremely good support in terms of childcare and your other half's income or if you come from a privileged background which you say you don't. Even if so, bringing up and funding 4 children is a big strain on time, energy and finances. Children need to be provided for the future too and that's your job which you likely would struggle with if you'd only start building up your career in say your mid-30s. Of course there are some successful examples I'm sure, but you're idolising an idea which is likely far removed from the reality. You'll be fine having another one or not and returning to work not having to start from scratch IMO.

@EmeraldShamrock000 are you middle class and part of this secret 😆

or just speculating wildly

It’s not about you though. It’s about the (theoretical) children who would suffer for your ‘unique’ ways.

It's swings and roundabouts OP - better to wait in some ways, worse in others. Either way it's too late to worry about now. Just make the most of it. Have another kid if you want one or stick at two but try and be grateful for what you have. (I say this as someone who is actively trying to be more grateful for what I have)

Why would they suffer? What a weird thing to suggest based on nothing at all!

You might not have enjoyed parenting in your 20s and be resentful that you never got to have a career. Who knows. At your age you can fit another one in anyway 😉

I've done both, had two in my mid-twenties, then an oops baby at 39 (and when I say "oops baby" it was after a sterilisation, so more of a "yikes baby", really!)

There is no perfect time to have kids, there are pros and cons both ways; but however, and whenever you have kids, just be grateful and enjoy them.

Yes, an educated, informed woman with other options and full control of her fertility chose to have far too many children, to the point where she was materially disadvantaging them all. It's obvious now you say it.

But it’s good you got the career thing going! I don’t think you’ve done it all wrong op!

Due to a novel situation but nice try spin doctor

Would you have listened?

I chose to have mine at 25 but that was a family pattern and I was first in my generation to have a baby. Im nearly 40 now and travel all over uk for work and my career is flying. Im glad I had mine when I did sleepless nights were a breeze

However when I tell my sisters and cousins to crack on (30s and late 20s) they tell me to fuck off haha so you cant always tell people when to have kids!

You can have it all. Just not all at the same time.

I think the problem is that we think we can or should have it all simultaneously. As opposed to in 'stages'

The rhythms of life, the needs of capitalism,our short fertility windows and our short life spans often mean we are often forced to trying to attain it all at onc, as we don't have the luxury unless we have a fortuitous start in life to do it the former way.

DD is a princess. Never had hardship and will make my life hell to ensure this remains the case.

your one child aged 27

ok.

But you were childfree out of choice? As someone who has been childfree out of choice her entire life if someone had tried to lecture me on how having children at all, never mind earlier, is the right choice and something I should be doing I'd have rolled my eyes and ignored them. As presumably you would have also!

I think my generation were completely ripped off with the 'having it all' bullshit. There are a very few, very rare women who apparently manage to make that work but everyone else in the world feels they're shortchanging/being shortchanged somewhere. I genuinely do not believe it's possible to be able to give maximum input or as much attention as necessary to child rearing, working, relationship, fulfilling lifestyle and various other responsibilities if you're doing all of those things.

I agree @FullLondonEye I bet lots of us remember 'superwoman' Nicola Horlick who had at least 3 children plus a CEO-type job. She made it look easy, then we found out she had a couple of nannies and staff at home.

Whilst I totally agree men and women can have identical careers, throw in a couple of under-5s and its a whole different playing field. But of course, you can just 'pop them into nursery' and life runs along just as it did before (not).

I did the opposite to you, I had my DD younger (22) and now I'm your age I don't really have anything to show for it. I private rent, have a job I love but doesnt pay all that well (NHS) and now I'm feeling a bit like I've done it all backwards. My DD is a delight & I love being her mum - but she's really my only achievement.

Again, situational. Are all children clones? You're a sad person and I don't need to justify my opinion to you. Go play somewhere else.

Ok, I was sympathetic on your thread as you sounded utterly broken

There are definitely pros and cons to both scenarios. I had mine young in my early/mid-20s and I didn't have a proper career yet but it didn't really matter to me at that point. We travelled lots, we lived in 4 different countries before the kids (had two very close in age) were 10. We had enough money, lived quite cheaply but had a lot of fun. I didn't get a stable career until I was in my mid-30s.

The kids are now both young adults and still have the travel bug whereas I have slowed down and moved back to my home country where I feel settled. It all worked out fine because I never craved the stability that a lot of parents want to achieve before they start having kids, which also makes sense. It's just a different mindset and I guess I'm not a planner.

Children are a product of their surroundings and parenting. If you struggle with one adult child then there’s no way you were ever managing another 13. That’s just reality I’m afraid.