Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

A lot of people would of liked kids a few years earlier. In your case you didn't have the baby urge so that's that OP. Also the cost of a 3rd baby... is that what you want OP? If you hadn't of made the decisions regarding yout job ect maybe you would be struggling to afford the 2 kids you have got OP!.

You sound like you have a fab set up to me.

Gosh, I had mine at 43 and don´t go on about this supposed exhaustion, I have a 7 year old and should be in a coma and transported by my nurse on a stretcher according to what I´m reading.
I always smile when people say you shoud have them sooner. Aha, with whom, in what home, with what money. I met my husband at 34, married at 36, so it isn´t planned, I´m not going to push out babies with just anyone to be a young mum...

Trust me you don't want anyone telling you this and putting pressure on you I was the opposite and its not all it cracked up to be in my mums head 24 was to late to be having a first and was pushing from 21 for me to start having kids as in her eyes pregnancies are high risk as you get older and your body won't cope and the child will be more likely to be disabled 🙄 she spoke to me like I was 45 when I was early 20s i had a miscarriage at 23 and she said it was because I was getting old for a first so these things will happen

Neither.
I didn't have DC earlier due to health reasons.
I've been on here 20 years spectating.
I see the heartbreaking stories around infertility, the snobbery around young mothers in their 20's, the peri menopause moods when raising a toddler, the mid 50's stresses of young teenagers, lack of grandparents/family support due to aging parents.
I wish I'd have had mine a few years earlier too. 29/35.
My older niece/nephews definitely had the best of the grandparent years.
I know many people who had babies young, studied around them and are successful.
Ideally 25/26.

This is a lovely way to put it. My wife and I spent 6.5 years trying to start a family (fertility treatment and then the adoption process). We lost a baby, which was heartbreaking, but now we have a beautiful little boy via adoption and so the sadness for the baby that never arrived has more or less diminished in to nothing. That HAD to happen so that we were on the right place at the right time to be blessed with our son. I'd do those 6.5 years over and over again if it meant our boy was always there at the end.

@MissEacek Because of the above, we are by far the eldest parents on the school gates. It used to get to me, but as the poster above said, we wouldn't have the child we do if things had gone differently! Same for you, and it sounds like you are thoroughly enjoying your lovely little family. I always wanted more children (I've always thought only children end up being slightly "odd" adults - apologies if that offends anyone!), but my wife and I are just too old to start the adoption process again. I'm sad our son won't have siblings, but it just means that he's so much closer to his cousins and friends than I imagined. Try to remind yourself that life doesn't always turn out like you expected, but that most certainly doesn't mean that things are "wrong" in any way. It's hard, but try not to wish-away the good that has happened, even if it looks different to what you imagined/wanted. Definitely a case of 'better late than never'.
Sending well wishes to you and your little family! X

(P.S. The only negative aspect I find difficult to shake off is, like you, feeling absolutely KNACKERED at all times. I definitely wish I had the energy I did 10 years ago. And my poor wife is actually 10 years older than you! 😂)

It is partly.
At 24 most people can have a night out, plenty of alcohol, 2 hours sleep, then work.
Try doing this at 37, you'll feel like someone danced on you.

Had my first at 18 and my second and third at 27 and 28, 11 months apart. I was tired with the younger two being so close together! My eldest always says I’m so much more patient now with the younger ones than I was with her, I think that’s the benefit of being an older parent and sometimes I wish I’d waited, the experience that a bit more life gives you. Also being a Grandmother before 40 has been a tricky one mentally for me. If I had my time again I’d have liked to have been more your age.

Being exhausted is probably due to having two close together. I had one at 45 and he was easy.

She likely told her about the cliff edge of 35 which is a myth leading to so many women trying to have kids before 35 when there wasn't a cliff edge in the first place!

I was older than you and wouldn't change it. I had my first at 38, then 40 and 42. We have a nice house because we both had our own places before and I had a great life, with lovely holidays, nights out etc - I would feel I had missed out if I'd had children earlier

Sorry but having a dh, 2 healthy children and a home and career IS having it all.

DS was born seven weeks before I turned 36. I never really wanted kids, I left my ex husband the day I turned 30 after we'd been together for nearly 12 years. Spent the years between those two points having fun and pleasing myself. Never had a career or anything like that, as I worked in retail. I'm knackered but I'm glad I waited.

Eh? 32 is fairly young. It’s definitely not late to be having kids.

You've had two young children, close together and work full time. That would be tiring whatever age you are. At 36, you aren't old at all, you're hardly geriatric. You've had your children at a perfectly average age.

I had my two at 34 and 37. Yes I'm tired, some days more than others but I'm not overly exhausted or any less tired than people who are younger than me. Even friends who had their children in their 20s regularly told me how tired they were!

It would be different if you were talking about your 40s but mid 30s is hardly old or past it at all.

All the people saying you’re being unreasonable are the unreasonable ones. I think we as women get told we can have it all when in fact our biology says otherwise. And I’m right there with you- I wish I had been nudged earlier.

I do get you, OP! I'm 49 and me and my friends definitely like we were told career first, you're fine up to 35. None of us had kids in our 20s - all early 30s-40s, and a lot of us were in a position to have them much earlier.

Now I look around and a lot of us are struggling with kids and:

Ageing parents
Perimenopause
Mental health problems and / or neurodiversity in the family (DP, DC)

And just generally feeling v tired!

Or the few who couldn't have kids.

Overall, it's very hard to say - I didn't meet DP until I was 30 and by the time we had moved to the same place to be together and got stable jobs, got married and bought a house, I was 35 having DD1. At the time I felt as energetic as my 20s, but since mid 40s, it is more of a struggle because of all of the above.

Most of my friends say they wish they'd had kids younger as this stage of life is so hard.

But would I change it? I don't think I could - I only met DH at 30 after years of being single and living abroad. We actually only had a couple of years of living together as a couple before kids, which I think is the bare minumum really.

THIS....pros and cons to having them younger / older

I had DD when I was 24 and DS at 26.

I suggested a third , ex didnt want one and in hindsight was the right decision .

I took time off to be with them before they went to school (childcare would have crippled us - 30 hours funding for 3 year olds then )

We were like ships that passed in the night (I worked when he didn't)

Don't regret anything. It may not have happened anyway and it is easy to look at what ifs with rose tinted glasses !

Same. But.
At the end of the day if I went back a couple of years I would still be the version of me that didn't want kids at that moment so would make no difference.
(If I could have sped up conception though that would have saved some heartache.)

I'm about to turn 36 and number 2 is due imminently, definitely haven't written off having a third... Yet.

I should add, I did not think I wanted more than one until after I had my first lol.

In my circle the #1 reason for women “delaying” (or foregoing completely) motherhood is how challenging they find it to find a suitable partner.

That was my reason. That was the only reason I was never a mother in my 20s.

She is being unreasonable. She says she did not want children before she changed her mind. Would she really have listened to people telling her “just have one anyway.”?

I feel the same in that I am surprised by how much I adore my baby and how much I am enjoying motherhood! But I know that I probably feel that way BECAUSE I am very content that I definitely lived a full life through 20s and early 30s. It’s no guarantee that if I had had her at a different stage of life that I would appreciate it as much (that feeling of constantly having nostalgia for now that is so bittersweet - 27 year old me might not have realised “this is the best part” quite so poignantly!). Plus there is the fact that I wouldn’t have had this particular baby, who is just the absolute best. I agree that people are very quick to tell you all the bad bits, but it’s also kind of impossible to describe the good bits, you have to experience them.

We can't turn back time, maybe be more vocal to the women who would like DC but are worried about being younger DM before 35.

At 36, you could easily have another two children. It’s exhausting no matter what your age. Even if you were 26 now you’d be knackered with a toddler and a baby.

I know we couldn’t afford to give more than 2 the life we want anyway and I also don’t think I could actually do a full pregnancy & recovery from birth three times! If a stork delivered the baby and we suddenly got very rich however…