Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

People did tell me and I ignored them and had my one (and only) at 38!

Currently exhausted with a 2 year old but grateful for all the experiences now and beforehand. Everyone’s journey is different and what will be will be…

I feel the same as you OP! Wish I'd had mine earlier and had time for a third.

If it's any consolation, I did have people telling me how amazing it was to have children, and how much they enjoyed it, but it just made me dig my heels in further (just why?). So you might have been the same, and the advice could just have fallen on deaf ears.

@Allswellthatendswelll fyi egg freezing isn’t great - it’s a money making con for fertility clinics and usually doesn’t work. I wouldn’t advise young women to ever do it. The egg retrieval process can be very harmful too.

Had my DD at 27 ten years ago which I thought was average but for my school friends and for my family it was young (they were upset I was pregnant and not my 36 year old sister who was experiencing fertility challenges - she’s since had two ☺️).

It was the making of me but then I wasn’t interested in going out or travelling. In fact I grew my career after DD was born. We were poor but babies and young children don’t need much. By the time she was 5 we’d worked our way up to a four bedroom house and moved into a bigger house last year. Didn’t see need to have everything perfect before having kids or see it as losing freedom - it was a shock at first but fine when settled into it. I didn’t have things I wanted to do to get out the way before kids.

Wasn’t smart enough to get a graduate job but friends who did didn’t have lives for years, one friend lost her hair with stress from work. Their whole lives were full on work and corporate speak. They probably had less freedom than me! Trapped in jobs they hated for the ££ (consulting). No time for hobbies, etc. Ended up getting pushed out in their late thirties which happens to most graduate consultants. I was subject to rude and patronising comments. One friend unfriended me after I had DD because I couldn’t commit to meeting up for drinks in central London once a month. Irony is due to my career progression post DD I’ve ended up earning more.

I’ve done more travelling with DD than I had before, including two US trips. Loved doing it with her. Now she’s in year 6 have a lot of freedom back so the time’s done in that sense and I travel for work and do courses etc.

Put my foot in it though - when asked if I wanted another I said no as felt too old. It’s the truth for me but upsetting to friends who are also 38 and want kids.

I had my children young, I was done before my mid-twenties. But I also had no money, no degree, no career, and even if I'd wanted to have more (I didn't) I couldn't afford them and had to prioritise my career so I could feed and house the ones I already had. Perhaps if I'd done it the other way around, I could have enjoyed having young children instead of having such a fearful, lonely, isolated experience. Financial stability makes a huge difference to how you experience parenthood, and anyone who says elsewise is lying.

There's no perfect way to do it. We're always giving up something to choose something else. We all make the best choices we can on the circumstances we're in.

Having it all was a lie, if anything it stopped young people women and men from settling down younger.
"Don't settle young, enjoy life" building up a career, unfortunately many miss the boat so busy enjoying their 20's early 30's.
By mid 30's standards are high, while good pickings are gone and fertility is running out.
I knew a few women that had 2/3 in 5 years, hitting menopause with 3 under 5.
The energy for parenting with boundaries is gone, they're frazzled and dealing with teenagers in your 50's.

would you have listened?

I'm not being judgmental, but the likelihood is that you wouldn't have listened.

I work with young adults, and most don't want children. They will later, and deep down some of them know that, and some don't (like you).

But if I said to them: You should have kids early. It wouldn't make the blindest bit of difference to anything. They would just get annoyed and argue back.

I do wish me and my partner had had children earlier - like you, we may have had more. But we weren't ready, and I wouldn't have listened either.

but you equally get told to just freeze your eggs, have IVF etc as if those things are actual solutions. And men delay and delay too, most of the men in their 30s in my social circle say that they're not ready for kids yet

Absolutely. I gather egg freezing and IVF is something of a lottery, so hardly a solution, more of a last resort? And as I said upthread, so many men aren’t ready in their 30s. Society has shifted to a point where, IMO, it pushes women to (try to) have children later, but reproductive biology hasn’t changed! Whether we like it or not, younger women are generally more fertile

If you are in any doubt about number two, do it now, my Dsis had 1 with at 38, her Daughter is 6, desperate for a sibling, Dsis regrets that she'll never give her a sibling, her DH is 10 years older.
She worries about her not having anyone when they're old.

I agree to this, I had my second one quickly because I wanted more children as well as my DC to have siblings. It's hard with less age gap but it's so worth it.

There are definitely pros and cons to having babies young and old! I had my first at 17, and was pregnant with my last two (I think lol) at 43. and a few in-between!
I have been pregnant in my teens, 20's, 30's and 40's, and all of them had their ups and downs! Best pregnancies were the later ones!

When I was in my teens, I can honestly say yes I had bags more energy, I could do the night feeds without a care and I loved playing my game-cube with my baby on my lap lol.

I was still working full time, have been since 16 and while I did find the baby stuff easy (my first boy was an easy baby!) I did miss my friends and I wished I had more money to treat him! I never had a career, just always worked and made 'just enough!'

Now in my 40s I love the baby stages just as much, way more knackered, my girl was born with Down Syndrome, but oh she is our families sunshine, and while I am way more knackered, I am also happier because I can take all my kids away for holidays and spoil them a bit!

Your kids are your kids because of who you are when you had them so don't go regretting it. All my kids are so very different, from my almost 27 yr old to my 2 yr old! lol My girl with the DS rules all of them!

I had mine at 19 , 33 and 39 almost 40 . There really is no right or wrong but obviously the latest you leave it the less probable it is to have another , unfortunately we tried a 4th and had a few losses and no baby yet .
I think we can have it all but not all at the same time , I work full time and I’m always exhausted but I also absolutely love my children to bits and they are my world .
I think we live in a time where so much is demanded from us that no matter what we do we will be tired and judged by others . Kids all have a million activities , others will judge us if their uniform is nit sparkly daily , lunch box has to be healthy , fill them up and cost pennies , no matter what we do we are being judged and that weights on our shoulders . Where our mums didn’t have the same expectations .
My advice is , it’s never a perfect time so if you want one have one .

People should be having careers and building finances and stability to start a family. You wish you could have been nothing more than a breeding machine but who pays for it? Back in the days when people had big families it wasn't for fun. It's not much of a life for 14 kids when there's very little money to go around and very little attention from parents because dad has to work long hours and mum has to split her time between 14 kids. You'd be also be relying on benefit money because you would never work again because whenever you had the opportunity to work you'd never be able to afford childcare. You should have the kids you can personally afford.

Its changed then as I was living in London when had mine at 20 and 23. And I wasn't anywhere near the youngest

There's no point rushing to have larger families until you are at an age where you've built a career enough to give them a nice home plus you've also got to think about being made redundant with 4 kids, we live in financially uncertain times.

Oh no, I had dd early 30's and it was absolutely the perfect timing. Think it just depends on personal choice and circumstances.

I get what you're saying, and I think that if I'd started earlier, I'd also have had more (I had mine late 30s). But, earlier I was very unstable financially, emotionally and mentally. My late 20s and early 30s were such a whirlwind (of joy and mess) that I believe having kids at that time would have been absolutely horrible. I had them when I was really at peace, and in a strong financial and professional situation (I had a good career to get back to after mat leaves, which I did) and I STILL found the early years extremely difficult and hard work. I dread to think how I would have coped having them earlier. As other PPs have said, there are positives and negatives, but I believe that if you had them earlier when you weren't ready, then you probably wouldn't have enjoyed as much as you are now.

I feel similarly, and have had two kids in the last 3 years, but I’m 41. If I was 36 I would go for another one! I actually did start trying to have kids younger, but it took years and 3 cycles of ivf to get our first. I always think we would have had 3 if I’d fallen pregnant sooner

I was like you OP, but if someone had tried to tell me about the wonders of kids in my 20s and encouraged me to have them before my maternal desire kicked in, I’d have considered them mad and ignored them 😂

I had my first at 38 and second just recently at 40… zero regrets about my age. Yes it’s exhausting but all worth it. I worked hard for my career, wanted the big wedding and honeymoon and we’ve enjoyed many holidays and trips. Now life is very different but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Try not to compare to others, your family story is unique to you, if you want a third DC go for it!

I totally empathise with your situation. I had my DDs at 41 & 42. I didn’t meet their Father until I was 38. In some ways it’s been great, I had a successful career & was financially able to provide. Their DD and I divorced when they were young and I opted to be a sahm. Like you I love being their DM but I mourned the loss of the career I worked so hard to build. But I tried for a year and realised that I couldn’t have it all. They’re 16 and 15 now and I am finally returning to work. Age 58 😂 thankfully I’m self employed or it just wouldn’t be happening. I don’t know that having them younger would necessarily have worked better for me … I hand no regrets.

Snap! But I only found my Husband at age 33! So i couldn't avoid being a "geriatric" Mum. Also 2 kids and want more in my late 30s

I’m similar to you - wasn’t interested in kids in my 20s, focused on my career, had my first baby at 36!

I’d like to be younger for DD in some ways, but realistically I wasn’t ready to have her earlier. I have much more to give now and I’m able to put her first.

I had my first at 20. No money no career. Parenting was a blast and felt a doddle. I had a dead end Job with no commitment minimum wage didnt stress about anything.I could do all the pick.ups and drop offs , clubs etc. I never felt exhausted or overwhelmed

I then had more dcs in my mid to late 30s. And I can say 1 thing. It's so much bloody harder ! Age definitely plays a part. I still get to do everything like pick ups, drop offs and clubs as I wfh.

But it's definitely more exhausting . Schools want so much more than they did 15 years or so ago.
Always something to remember or be at the school for last year alone each dc had 10 different events to do at school/ assemblies / sports/ dress up days it went on and on. So that was 20 events in a 36 week school year.
If I worked in an office I couldn't of gone to it all that's for sure.

I’m 39 with a one year old. She is my first after 2 losses and I would love another, but I had a rough pregnancy, so baby number 2 is undecided.
While I wish I was younger, I would never have been able to experience all of the things I have if I had been a younger mum.
I know that I can’t do anything about my age, which is why I’m trying to prioritise my health.
My grandma was the same age as I was when she had my mum. She died last year, 2 days before her 104th birthday. She was still relatively active in her 90s and she didn’t go into a home until she was 100.