Wish someone told me about having kids early!

[MissEacek]

I am 36 and I had 2 kids in the last 4 years, only started having kids after 32. I used to think I want to be child free and at 31, the urge to have baby kicked in.
Previous to that I was all focused on going to uni, working, going up the career ladder etc. I was more of competing with peers and sometimes with my DH to get ahead. I was at conferences multiple times a year, drinks with colleagues every Friday and weekends. Having kids never crossed my mind.
Now at 36, I am dealing with a baby and toddler and I desperately want to have a third DC but I feel so exhausted and career has taken a backseat.
I really really wish someone had nudged me earlier about this and I wish I had them earlier then I would have loved to have more, may be 4 who knows. I never knew I would feel so much in love with them and it would like the most wonderful thing in the world.

36 is young enough but may be someone needs to tell you to take up healthy lifestyle, do cardio and strength exercises etc now, because that makes a bigger difference than whether you’re five years younger…

There are probably a good proportion of women who would have children earlier if they could find men who would commit (or is that a whole different thread)??

Had my first at 23 - and i had no choice but to work full time to support us ! I actually wish I had waited because I missed so much of her early days having to work and was just as exhausted.

I think having kids starting in your early thirties is still considered on the younger side. I had one at 37 and another at 38. I know people who started in their early-mid 40s!

Oh give over!!! You have no idea what you're talking about and using me as entertainment for your keyboard warrior hobby. Not playing. Have a good day.

With 2 kids under 4 anyone would be exhausted. It’s not because you’re the ancient(!) age of 38.
How you cope depends on many things and age is only a very small factor.

Apologies that my point seems to have struck a nerve…

You have time to have more. I had DC1 at 36 and DT at 38. Knackering? Yes. But parenting small children is knackering. I would have been knackered in my 20s TBH.

I was not ready to have kids before I did (relationship, financial position, just not wanting to). Love the ones I have with every fibre of my being.

I had my first at 27, which isn’t particularly young, and I wish I’d waited until my 30s.

No worries. I reported you so you don't try to strike others with your nonsense.

I dont want to sound mean, as you sound exhausted. But it is each of our individual responsibilities to weigh up the pros and cons of having children early/later etc. You are the same age as me and the information has 100% been out there and available from when I was in my late teens.
And I think you have been way more responsible than most as you were making sure you were financially stable first - thats exactly what you should have done! It's hard but a lot of people think they will 'wing it' financially and they end up being trapped in relationships, impacting themselves and their children, because they cant leave. You have done the best thing for your children, and it would be irresponsible to do less.

I've got 3 children DS19, DD14 and DD5 and am currently 26 weeks pregnant 🥴

Id just turned 20 when I had my eldest and I remember saying to my mum that I couldn't understand why parents said having a child was hard and that they were tired.....I genuinely didn't understand it because it all seemed so easy lol.

I definitely understood a bit more when my youngest was born, and with this pregnancy I literally need a nap after taking the dog for a walk. Hoping this baby is as easy as my son was 🤣

Spot on, this is also a big reason for sure. And a whole other thread 😁

I hear what you’re saying OP. I’m 50 and my 4 are all adults with 3 at uni. I’m free to do what I like with my time now which is great. On the flip side, I was busy in my 20s and missed out a bit at that stage of life. Not sure which is best really. It is what it is.

Two is fine. Enjoy the children you have rather than mourn the ones you didn't.

I'm telling to stop at 2.

Don't come when you've got 4 and say no one warned you :)

I very much imagine if there had been a messenger you would have shot him. People don't like to be asked or told about their fertility, its usually a taboo subject unless two people share the same obvious views. I know when people criticized me for being too young or having two many kids its just makes me think 'oh fuck off mate'.

I also don't believe people need to be told, I certainly never did.

Just like you said you weren't interested in kids until 32, I on the flip side knew it was all I wanted from about 12 years old. It was just a deep primal urge and I think its controlled a lot more by hormones than people like to think. No one needed to tell me to have kids (and when I did get pregnant I got all the shit for being 'too young' even though I was a legal adult that had left home 3 years earlier) but I never (and still don't) want a 'career' or enjoyed 'competing' as its just not my personality.

I find it interesting you say you didn't know about the 'love', my mam was a career woman heavily competitive and conquer the world type and she always said the same. Like it was some surprise to her to feel like that, emotion she never new existed when she first saw me. I didn't have that 'moment' with my kids because I always felt that deep yearning love like that before they where even conceived/born and when infertility hit it was crippling (worse than the cancer).

My mam never understood why I was so 'unambitious' (I'm not I have lots of dreams and have done loads of bucket list life experience many dream of, I just don't think a career defines me and I prefer family, hobbies, free time and travel etc... over climbing chains, winning and social accolades) I think we where just wired oppositely and you can't tell someone their way is 'wrong', its just 'different'.

I had mine at 22, 34 and 40.

It’s all shit really. It all depends on circumstances. If you were to pick any of those ages, you would probably say 34 was best. Financially secure etc -

NOPE. We were being topped with housing benefit despite both working full time when my second was born, renting a fucking hovel of a flat that was far too small for us in London.

At 22 with my first, I was loaded and living in a Manor House in the country with stables and horses and I travelled the world with my son when he was young. I did everything, went everywhere. A child young didn’t hold me back. I never wanted a career at all, so that didn’t bother me. I only worked in my 30s, shit jobs, to pay the rent.

Things much better with my 3rd at 40, but that was thanks to moving to a shithole of a town where we could afford to buy and live off dh wage alone.

Age tells you nothing, everyone’s circumstances are different.

I always dreamed of having a lot of children and would still love to have had 4 or 5. My great grandmother had 13 but that was a long time ago before the age of consumerism.

If you didn't want them sooner then you wouldn't have enjoyed having them, so...

I had my first just over a year ago at 30 and feel the same! I was also child free until the hormones hit hard aged 28. I love my baby so much and enjoy parenting. I want another, but I want to be done by 35. I often find myself wishing I'd had her in my early 20's. It's morbid, but I'm always thinking, if I die at 70, I'll only have had 40 years with her!

Hormones are a powerful thing eh 😂

Wait until they get to the teenage years and start demanding a lot more from you financially and are being really annoying when you are menopausal.

I had my first at 27 I am lucky to have a professional career but struggled to progress much, limited to sticking with less than ideal jobs which fitted with our childcare and going for an internship or further qualifications was out of the question (I know some people manage it but my DH does a lot of on call and no family nearby). We had very few nights out and went to many a wedding where you head home straight after the first dance because you had a toddler to put to bed, and then no more ski trips or nice holidays because it’s too expensive once they start school.

I wouldn’t change it now, I love having my super teenager in my 40s, but there is a trade off. And all parents of small children get tired. You need to be thankful for the experiences you got to have pre-kids and not compare to a version of your life that never happened.

When I was 25 an older woman at work did tell me. She’d had her last one at 42. She said, you’re in a solid relationship, if the plan is to have children then you’re at a good age, it will all work out.

I wasn’t ready. DP was so far from ready. But I often thought about her words, knackered in my 30s!

All my friends who had theirs early felt it like a sledgehammer in their lives.

As another "later mum" friend said, "I'm not giving up clubbing, and I've already got a National Trust membership".

But really, early, late, whenever, never. There's not even a single version of right for each person, let alone for all people.

Thinking that there was a perfect version of your life that you missed isn't helping you.

And that's coming from someone who had some serious trauma delaying starting having kids, therefore sticking to one, who I wouldn't change for the world.