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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 12:56

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/09/2025 12:54

Why - because they might listen closely to what is spoken (or written) and ask questions when they don't understand or something seems a bit off to them? (In any case, OP didn't seem to have a problem clarifying)

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you! At last someone who actually read what I said. There was no accusation at all, just a question which the OP then answered.

Moonboots123 · 03/09/2025 13:00

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Oh give it a rest FFS

BusMumsHoliday · 03/09/2025 13:01

OP, I would call ACAS today asap because as Eileen is your employer, you don't want to accidentally do anything that makes it look like you've voluntarily resigned or aren't fulfilling the terms of your position. From your description, she hasn't asked you to leave and unless she lack capacity and her son is managing her affairs, he can't dismiss you. If you choose to leave, that's different, though I'd still speak to an employment lawyer because you at least need to get a reference in the terms of your departure.

I think your plan of calling Son 2 and asking him to ask Eileen if she'd like to continue the arrangement is a good one.

The whole situation sounds horrible and I'm sorry it happened to you.

Sweetestofpeas · 03/09/2025 13:01

So sorry this happened to you. I think your plan sounds excellent, but I think also reporting the incident to police is a good suggestion - they probably won't do anything but at least it's recorded. I'm not sure I'd want to go back if I were you - such a shame for both you and Eileen. Her son sounds like a nasty bully.

And please ignore clearoutthecrap 🤣 - talk about a reach!

Katherine9 · 03/09/2025 13:04

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

I cannot emphasize the value of this advice enough. Please listen.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 03/09/2025 13:06

All the people asking if she has a contract - if she is working there she has a contract. She doesn’t need to have a written contract in order for her to have a contract.

If they hadn’t given her a written contract she still has a contract, her employer just hasn’t met their legal obligation to provide one.

Even without a written contract, you would still have statutory rights and this includes protection from harassment. This would include behaviour that causes alarm or distress, even if not related to a protected characteristic.

OP who is your employer? If it’s Eileen (which son’s complaints about you eating into his inheritance would suggest that it is Eileen who has employed you and is paying you) then he can’t sack you anyway, but your employer has a responsibility to make sure you are not harassed during your employment. This may mean obnoxious son is not present when you are working and does not contact you. I would speak to ACAS and get their thoughts on potentially seeking legal advice.

Startyabastard · 03/09/2025 13:08

How absolutely horrible! Why are people like this?!!!!

user1492757084 · 03/09/2025 13:12

Very good idea to contact other son.
Everything out in the open is best.
Tell him the other three things you are planning to do also.

Vogt · 03/09/2025 13:13

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 12:56

Thank you! At last someone who actually read what I said. There was no accusation at all, just a question which the OP then answered.

Show quote history

We all understood you perfectly. What a ridiculous snide post to the OP.

TorroFerney · 03/09/2025 13:21

MrsPinkCock · 03/09/2025 12:21

How long have you worked there for?

It sounds like you have an unfair dismissal claim, not just a claim for 30 days notice.

You could appeal and/or request written reasons as a next step.

She’s not been dismissed though as the son isn’t her employer. Constructive dismissal potentially.

Oldglasses · 03/09/2025 13:26

He's projecting, because he is the money-obsessed person, not you.
You've had some great advice on this thread and I hope you can remedy the situation (and never see that awful son again).

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 03/09/2025 13:27

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

second the above

Invinoveritaz · 03/09/2025 13:29

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

I agree - she is at risk for sure.

OneCalmFish · 03/09/2025 13:30

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Your comprehension of her wording is the issue. She has clearly written she hadn’t ‘taken’ the spoon she was putting it back after unintentionally leaving with it yet the son was accusing her of trying to steal. @SackedByaSpoon I agree with others Adult social services and I’d at least contact local police 111 or something purely so there is a record of you letting them know about this.

Meandmyguy · 03/09/2025 13:31

Sounds like he's gotten rid of you so he can have a few forks himself.

Bumdrops · 03/09/2025 13:33

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:41

Notice should be thirty days. Eileen lives there alone, though she often has other family visiting (it's a big house and they worry she's lonely I think)

I would love to go back. It's my favourite house so far and I've really enjoyed working there until this!

He really scared me today. ☹️

Show quote history

Your plan is spot on I think
the horrible son sounds like he has been on your case in some way for a while …
he isn’t going to disappear, he’s the son and he’s got sense of threat about his inheritance for whatever reason,
I would not trust that this won’t continue to be a tense situation-
I’d leave -
I can’t see a happy ending here

Guytheskiinstructor · 03/09/2025 13:38

If Eileen is fully compos mentis and her vulnerabilities are related to physical impairment and age only, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t speak to her?

The situation is obviously complicated and she may need some support, but surely the two of you need to sit down as a matter of urgency?

TiggyTomCat · 03/09/2025 13:38

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

No it's not at all strange.

Comeinupto40 · 03/09/2025 13:44

Hopefully Eileen will phone you once her son has left. I imagine she will apologise.

If she says she no longer wants you to work for her, DEFINITELY call adult social services (and maybe the other son? depends on the relationships).

If she says she would like for you to continue working for her, you can tell her that you only agree to the work on condition that you will not be there at the same time as her son.

DaylesfordBroccoli · 03/09/2025 13:45

I don’t think you should go back, it’s not worth the worry. Report to the other son and social services and start looking for another job.

EmpressSisi · 03/09/2025 13:48

He doesn’t employ you — Eileen does. So he has no right to “fire” you.

Speak to ACAS first about your workers’ rights. People can’t just scream at you at your workplace or accuse you of stealing when Eileen gave you permission to borrow the spoon.

You should also consider contacting the police. No one has the right to verbally abuse or physically intimidate you, or make outrageous accusations about “eyeing up” someone’s inheritance. And if Eileen is alive, it’s her money, not his inheritance.

Finally, reach out to adult social services. Eileen clearly seems intimidated and scared of him. From what you describe, it sounds like he may be financially abusing her to maintain control over her money. Poor Eileen.

GAJLY · 03/09/2025 13:48

That's horrible behaviour from the son. I think what you're planning to do is perfect. You're obviously not going to return to that house, but you should get 30 days pay. Make sure social services are aware, ask for an assessment as she no longer has support.

PiggyPigalle · 03/09/2025 13:51

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/09/2025 12:54

Why - because they might listen closely to what is spoken (or written) and ask questions when they don't understand or something seems a bit off to them? (In any case, OP didn't seem to have a problem clarifying)

Edited
Show quote history

Why? Because court cases are about the present charge, not the defendant's history. The very reason any past misdemeanors are withheld is so as not to influence the jury.
It's not a question a juror could ask.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/09/2025 13:54

Guytheskiinstructor · 03/09/2025 13:38

If Eileen is fully compos mentis and her vulnerabilities are related to physical impairment and age only, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t speak to her?

The situation is obviously complicated and she may need some support, but surely the two of you need to sit down as a matter of urgency?

I agree, Guytheskiinstructor, and as I mentioned earlier, further decisions/actions could easily hinge on what Eileen's attitude to all this is

It is after all her house, and so far there's no way of knowing if she'll say "That will NEVER happen again", or if it's more likely to be "Oooo I don't know what I can doooo"

As for involving the other son, what's to say he won't be similar to his brother and merely join forces with him?

I do agree that a call to social services may be wise, but again surely that can wait on a simple conversation to find out just how the land lies?

ForNoisyCat · 03/09/2025 13:57

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

coukd you explain to them in a letter what happened?

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