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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
allusernamesaretakennow · 03/09/2025 11:34

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

This. Very vulnerable elderly lady with abusive son. Needs watching. Extremely money fixated, would he hurt her?

Original poster
SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:34

REP22 · 03/09/2025 11:24

That's awful, I'm so sorry. Does the elderly lady have dementia? A known trait in dementia sufferers (as you probably already know) can be accusations of theft against family members and carers; they move or hide things and then forget, but their brains don't tell them about the moving of the object, so the "only explanation" for them is that someone has stolen their watch/purse/keys/etc., Could the lady have told her son convincingly that you had "stolen" her watch when, really, she simply took it off and put it in a drawer herself?

I do agree with @Evenstar - I think a report Adult Social Services for safeguarding would be a very good idea. The son's reaction is extreme and speaks of inheritance-guarding at the expense of his mother's welfare. Sounds like he was after any excuse to get rid of you and save on your wages draining his prize-pot. Horrible.

You're not a bad person @SackedByaSpoon and I'm sorry this happened to you. Hope better things lie ahead for you, and that the elderly lady will be alright. x

I've seen no signs of dementia and apart from a physical problem, she's in excellent health. (I've had close experience with dementia so know the signs unfortunately.)

I think she'd just taken the watch off and put in on her bedside table where it had fallen down, rather than putting it in the jewellery box where it usually lives.

Both of them aren't particularly good at finding stuff so will have looked on the surfaces and not anywhere else.

OP posts:
Perplexed20 · 03/09/2025 11:35

What does your contract say about notice?

Does the son live there? And what does Eileen want?
Would you want to go back?

Im really sorry this happened and he sounds awful.

InMyShowgirlEra · 03/09/2025 11:36

I would report him to Social Services and the police if you felt intimidated by him, and then call Eileen to explain that you don't want to see him again and as per the terms of your contract will continue to work there. She has a duty of care to ensure you are safe and not abused in your workplace.

ThatCyanCat · 03/09/2025 11:37

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Nobody thinks this is clever. Stop it.

Original poster
SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

OP posts:
Perplexed20 · 03/09/2025 11:38

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

@Clearoutthecrap do you always jump to judgemental conclusions?

Audiwannabe · 03/09/2025 11:38

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Rather strange you've left the first half of that paragraph out.

Perplexed20 · 03/09/2025 11:38

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

Edited

Yes. A very reasonable plan.

Catwalking · 03/09/2025 11:39

If you take Eileen to med. appt's, do you know her GP? Is it worth talking to some1 at the practice to say you’re afraid for her safety after the display of rage you’ve just seen?

randomchap · 03/09/2025 11:40

I'm assuming not but are you a member of a union?

Some house insurance policies have legal advice as part of it. Does yours?

Original poster
SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:41

Perplexed20 · 03/09/2025 11:35

What does your contract say about notice?

Does the son live there? And what does Eileen want?
Would you want to go back?

Im really sorry this happened and he sounds awful.

Notice should be thirty days. Eileen lives there alone, though she often has other family visiting (it's a big house and they worry she's lonely I think)

I would love to go back. It's my favourite house so far and I've really enjoyed working there until this!

He really scared me today. ☹️

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 03/09/2025 11:41

The son isn't your employer. It's nothing to do with him and he's a bell end. He's probably bullying and coercing her if she's scared when he raises his voice. That's how he acts in front of you, imagine what he's like behind closed doors.

Just explain to her that you are willing to continue working there but cannot come to the house if the son will be there. As he is aggressive and you are frightened of him. And you are not going to accept being shouted at and accused of things wrongly. Do it in a polite but assertive way, as obviously it's not her fault.

If she can't guarantee he won't be there when you are then you should quit.

araiwa · 03/09/2025 11:42

Can the son fire you at all?

Presumably the agreement is with his mother. Maybe he has the same power to fire you as I do

legsekeven · 03/09/2025 11:44

Please do contact the other son. He probably has no idea. Sounds like younger son was looking for an excuse

wuminty · 03/09/2025 11:45

Does anyone in the family have POA for Eileen? Would you be aware if they did?

Just thinking out loud about who has the right to do things on Eileen's behalf, if anyone.

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 03/09/2025 11:45

Your plan does sound sensible. If your employment really has been terminated, one issue to negotiate (whether informally with the more reasonable brother or formally thru solicitor) will presumably be a reference, given your occupation. So important not to just accept this behaviour.

Poor lady. How on earth will she manage without assistance?

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 03/09/2025 11:45

Take a deep breath and go to work. If he is abusive you call the police. You are contracted to be there. He is a bullying twat after her money. Suggest to Eileen you would be happy to have nanny cams put up if it would reassure her you are genuine.. Bet he won't want that....

poetryandwine · 03/09/2025 11:46

You write very well, OP, so you will be able to explain the situation to ACAS concisely and cogently.

Your plan is excellent. I am so sorry for both you and Eileen

TheUsualChaos · 03/09/2025 11:46

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

Exactly this.
He sounds a nasty piece of work..poor lady.

MiniCooperLover · 03/09/2025 11:47

I think the son is using this as an excuse to isolate you from his elderly mother .. he doesn't want her having reliable help.

MiniCooperLover · 03/09/2025 11:48

Also, he can't sack you, he isn't your employer!

FamBae · 03/09/2025 11:48

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

Edited

Perfect.

Paganpentacle · 03/09/2025 11:49

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Don't be ridiculous.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 03/09/2025 11:53

Likely he wants her in a home. And probably has his own bags packed ready to move in. Our ndn once asked us to assist in getting her dm moved into a care home. We refused.
Utter twats put her in for the week end they told her. She never came out. Died 3 months later..

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