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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sacked because of a spoon - aibu?

441 replies

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:09

I have been working as a private Housekeeper for several years now for an elderly lady with two sons.

Part of that role was driving her to her medical appointments. She had one early yesterday morning and because the timing was tight, I took my breakfast with me to eat while she was in her appointment. When I got to the house, I realised I'd left my spoon at home and asked her if I could borrow one. She was fine with me taking one to use.

I totally forgot about it in my lunch box and realised last night when I got home and took it out to wash. Popped the spoon through the dishwasher too, and put it in my handbag to return today.

The youngest son was in the house when I got there today and immediately accused me of hiding his mum's watch to see if anyone noticed. (Which is worth a lot of money.) She'd worn it to her appointment and back home so I knew it was somewhere, and found it quite quickly in her bedroom on the floor between her bed and bedside table. (Son has in the past "joked" about me using up his inheritance by working there)

I just want to be absolutely clear here - I have never taken a single thing from this house that wasn't given directly to me like small gifts for birthday and Christmas. I could probably have made hundreds in the time I've been there by taking random "lost" coins and small notes but I always put them into the tray, with notes going under a magnet on the fridge. I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable.

With the watch found, I went to start my normal jobs - I always take my rings off and put them in my purse. Went to do that and realised the spoon was in my bag so went to put it back (it was in a food bag, not swimming around in my handbag naked)

Son went absolutely mental, to the point he frightened me, screaming and shouting about how I'm trying to steal stuff and I can't be trusted. Eileen (not her real name) was frightened too, and crying and I was doing my best to calm the situation because I was quite honest properly scared. He's a big man and the house is on its own in acres of grounds.

He told me to get out, that he doesn't want to see me again and that I'm a nasty scrounger trying to rob his mum. I left over an hour ago and I'm still incredibly shaken by the entire thing... I've never been spoken to like that before, not once, and I keep thinking about him storming towards me and being so angry.

I have no idea what to do next... I don't know if I should go back tomorrow or what to do.

OP posts:
Messyandconceited · 03/09/2025 11:53

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Do you really have to be such a dick Clearoutthecrap?

Mustbethat · 03/09/2025 11:54

Evenstar · 03/09/2025 11:12

I would leave, but report a safeguarding concern to Adult Social Services as I think the elderly lady is extremely vulnerable and at risk of financial abuse and coercive control.

This.

major red flag for coercive control. And financial abuse. Oh mum, she was stealing, you can only trust me, I’ll help you. You can’t afford it anyway, you’re bad with money and don’t realise, here give me your cards and I’ll sort it, remember you can trust me…. Etc.

Kerrylass · 03/09/2025 11:56

So Sorry this has happened to you, im also sad for Eileen who im sure is scared of the damage done.

Your plan sounds good. I hope you can go back to caring for Eileen.
Son sounds like a grabber. Makes me so mad.

Astrak · 03/09/2025 11:58

What dreadful behaviour by the younger son. I think that it's best to follow-up on the plan that you have already made. Good luck.

PullingOutHair123 · 03/09/2025 11:59

Good plan. Especially contacting the other brother. If it was me, his reaction to the situation would also influence whether I wanted to go back to Eileen again.

I hope for Eileen's sake as well as yours you are able to go back - but please don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation.

TheKeatingFive · 03/09/2025 12:00

The son sounds unhinged, that is not a safe place for you to be. Probably not for his mother either.

FleetFootedJanet · 03/09/2025 12:00

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Sherlock in the house.

Robin67 · 03/09/2025 12:04

Is the other son more reasonable? If so, let him know what is happening

Does Eileen have all her faculties? Is she the person who employed you? If she has no cognitive impairment AND she is the one who employed you, then fuck him. Go back tomorrow

Let the police email service know if you think there is any elder abuse or financial abuse. Or adult social services. Or age concern.

Edited to say that I have seen that you have already answered all of the above. Don't let him bully you.

SirBasil · 03/09/2025 12:05

see what the other family say. Tell them that you will go back on condition he doesn't scream at you again, and if it happens once more you will call the police at that time.

Do you worry that he screams at her like that too?

Samscaff · 03/09/2025 12:06

SackedByaSpoon · 03/09/2025 11:37

I think my plan is

  • contact the other son and tell him what happened so he can check on them both
  • make a report to adult social services
  • contact acas and ask them for advice
  • figure out if I want to go back and a safe way to do that, if there is one.

Does that sound reasonable? I've never experienced anything like this and it has properly shaken me.

Edited

That sounds good to me.

Is Eileen your actual employer? If so, and if she is compos mentis, could you phone her directly to ask if she wants you to leave? Though I expect Social Care or her other son (assuming he is more reasonable) might do this anyway.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Who would want to steal one teaspoon??

Pancakeflipper · 03/09/2025 12:07

I am sorry @SackedByaSpoon , horrid experience. I feel for you and Eileen.

I like your plan. Good luck.

Poodleville · 03/09/2025 12:07

I don't blame you for feeling shaken by this. You do not deserve to be treated like that. I think your planned actions sound wise.

Depending on the advice you get and how you feel about returning, I would consider telling your employer I.e. the actual lady you care for and that pays you that you cannot continue working for her if that son is going to be present at all. If that would be enough for you at this stage. She may not agree, but you could see what she says and factor that into your decision making.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

BoredZelda · 03/09/2025 12:11

If she employs you, he can’t fire you. Speak with the other son.

Vogt · 03/09/2025 12:12

Clearoutthecrap · 03/09/2025 11:23

“I've worked in other houses too, some of UHNW, and never once been accused of taking something. My references are impeccable”

Rather strange wording here. You don’t say you have never taken something, just that you have never been accused of it, Have you ever taken anything?

Oh for God's sake

PiggyPigalle · 03/09/2025 12:13

Perplexed20 · 03/09/2025 11:38

@Clearoutthecrap do you always jump to judgemental conclusions?

Show quote history

Hope they never serve on a Jury.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 03/09/2025 12:16

My exh moved his dm into his house.. Fleeced her out of 40k. Bil disputed the will. Exh was never charged with anything.. Still got half her house and funds..
Con men who flee their dps are sick minded people..

Cyclebabble · 03/09/2025 12:16

What a nasty bully. I would speak to Eileen. My thoughts are he is trying to isolate mum to control her assets. having a really good support like you makes her much more capable of making her own decisions.

lechatnoir · 03/09/2025 12:18

Your plan sounds perfect. I would make it clear to other son that you are fond of his mum, like working there (& wouldn't hurt to remind him of your many years good service in similar or HNW households) but make it clear his brother scared you and clearly doesn't trust you so you will only continue working for Eileen if he stays well away during your working hours. I wouldn't go back if he isn't fully on board with this and if brother does turn up I wouldn't hesitate in calling the police.

rookiemere · 03/09/2025 12:19

That sounds awful for you OP.
I am in the situation of having to do caring for DPs who live an hour away and refuse to get any additional paid support. I would be beyond delighted to know they had someone like you to provide that support and company. Definitely speak to the other DB.

butterpuffed · 03/09/2025 12:19

CalzoneOnLegs · 03/09/2025 11:14

That’s awful OP tell him to Fork Off

That isn't funny, even less so when OP says she was scared.

Mustbethat · 03/09/2025 12:21

Oh and just to give you a slightly different pov- from the “other son”- they may be worried about the brothers coercive control, but it can often be very subtle and you question it- but they’re doing so much for mum, they can’t really be abusive. Especially if financials are being hidden or details kept from them.

you speaking to them might be the push they need to realise they aren’t imagining it, and sadly their brother is an abuser.

MrsPinkCock · 03/09/2025 12:21

How long have you worked there for?

It sounds like you have an unfair dismissal claim, not just a claim for 30 days notice.

You could appeal and/or request written reasons as a next step.

SeaBreezeDewberryMusk · 03/09/2025 12:21

Sounds like he is judging you by his own standards. Raise a safeguarding and don’t go there again. By doing that you’re trying to protect Eileen as well as covering your own back. What else is he going to accuse you of? He showed his true colours accusing you of spending his inheritance. He is a vulcher and all he cares about is money.

Diblin93 · 03/09/2025 12:21

Elder abuse. Please report

Muffinmam · 03/09/2025 12:22

I agree. The elderly woman may still need care.

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