OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

Have you a spare room/ garden room where you take in a teenage French Spanish student for extra cash? Could you do 1 exam a week for an EPA company if you have a PGCE?

First off, you have literally just saved over £3.5k of summer holiday childcare.

Your update, with him suggesting 'you get a ft job and I'll sign on' is nonsense from him. The numbers clearly won't add up that way round. If he was asking you to up your tutoring hours, perhaps taking on some evening work as pps have suggested as much easier to get, and he comtinue working and pick up some of the evening childcare at home that'd be a workable team solution.

As it is, he's just tantrumming. There may be something behind it at work, or he may have picked the moment when the hard work before kids start school is done (sounds like this is literally the first week in years of parenting that they're all in school?!) and decided to throw his toys out of the pram.

He’s an idiot. I can understand why he’s reached the end of his tether - he’s working his socks off and getting nowhere. That’s where a lot of people are at.

But you are working, and when you’re not doing paid work you’re looking after twins.

If you do more paid work, the extra money will be lost on wraparound care and holiday clubs so that other adults can do the work of looking after your 4 children. They’re bloody expensive and usually it’s a lottery of first come first served. That x4? He’s not being logical.

I would be really hurt too. The disregard for everything you’ve put into your family, the way he’s speaking to you and about you and the kids.

You’re obviously a do-er and you’ll get there in a way that makes sense.

He needs a good, feminist telling off in my opinion!

If my DH was running the home and doing all the childcare and we had four kids, I wouldn't expect him to be working at all, and if he did all that OP is doing and had planned for I'd think it was an immense contribution.

If I was stressed out in my job aa her DH is I'd consider it entirely my responsibility to find another one that suited me better, and which better fitted around me having more family time too so I was able to be present and do more at home.

As I have done, in real life, with two kids, us both working full time and being the main earner myself.

I don't understand all the info or what OH means - "On-something Husband?" "Oh gfys Husband?" "Omg why did I marry my Husband?"
I recommend for the kds, and in case he changes one day from an asshole - apply to those jobs he sends, and only unless something truly better than what you have, and something with a contract, and something you yourself know is a step up in the right direction and not a mistake - otherwise, oh well, you were not offered the job. If he won't stop talking about bringing in money then wear headphones. If he is relentless you need to take your kids and file for divorce and I hope you have friends or family to stay with. Anything that resembles abuse or him being an asshole document it, record it if you get a sinking feeling that you married a nut. It happens.

I'm going to add that ms fairydust said a lot that could be true, but we don't know. Yes, if things are really tough then maybe drop the volunteering for a while, but volunteering is a career builder. Only she knows. I know I've been in a situation where the H had plenty of securuty and after commiting tried to begin shaming me for not making enough, not owning a house, etc etc. There was no need, it was pure abuse. And if it was a form of panic it was still not okay. If he is losing his shit about money - maybe ask for a day that you two go over the details - what he's stressed out about - maybe insist that you both be book-keepers together on the same page. So if he is losing his shit bc he is paranoid you can show him the books and tell him to go lie down.

OH means 'Other Half'.

Is it more cost effective for you yo up.your days to 4 and pay a etc to do what you would usually do on your cleaning day ? Long term 4 kids and full time- no way if I could avoid it. If u had to go back full-time you should not be the default parent or house keeper- 50 50.

Get a job in the evening and leave him to do everything at home.

As someone who has been/is the main earner, I get the stress of this and how he might be feeling the weight of this. Especially when there are ways to outsource the cleaining and cooking, and when volunteering days could be switched for earning days. Yet you both chose to have 4 kids and the responsibility that comes with that. If you went to 5 days a week, what would he take off your plate, if the answer is diddly squat then don't do it. My husband took all the weight of our daughter school runs, clubs etc, during the week whilst I was at work and on the weekend. He was never great at walking the dogs or cleaning (hence outsourcing to a cleaner).

it might be worth getting some legal advice OP, because I wonder if he’s planning to leave you and if you are working full time with a higher income he will think that he can pay less child support etc.
He is being entirely unreasonable given the ages of your children and this is the only plausible explanation for his demands.

A lot of people reassuring you that you’re in the right and you should continue as you are - he’s abusive, unreasonable, a bully. That you contributing financially is not necessary because you do the domestic stuff,

everyone assuming he won’t do his fair share when it sounds like he is actually trying to come up with alternatives for OP to be able to increase her hours - his mum etc,

I think it’s fair enough that he’s saying all the kids are in school. I am no longer willing to work long hours and be the sole breadwinner. I cannot cope any more. And to be fair from what you’ve said it sounds as though he would leave. And you call him OH, does that mean you’re not married? How would it work if you ended up splitting up? Would you be financially protected or would he?

I think you need to have an honest conversation and work out what hours you can realistically do. It doesn’t need to be 9-5 mon-fri, you could look at working when he’s at home. Maybe retail or care etc alongside your tutoring.

I think that your DH is being really unreasonable, but probably because he is feeling the pressure.

Are you sure there are no financial problems in the business?

I think speaking to your current job, asking for a raise and taking on a 4th day during school hours is a very sensible plan.

I also think that doing that will test the waters with how things like housework/childcare etc will work if you’re working more.

There is a huge difference between going full time when you’ve got 4 young kids, when responsibilities are partially outsourced and partially split. vs trying to work full time and also do all of the rest on your own, which is a recipie for a breakdown in my opinion.

Haven’t read all the thread but are you sure wraparound childcare is only £400? I pay £1000 for 2 children a month for full time before and after school care.

I think you need to find out why he is suddenly saying this and in such a nasty way. Is there a threat to his income, is there debt you don’t know about, is there a problem re mortgaging or is it that he wants you to be financially independent so that he can leave?

It sounds to me more than a conversation of whether you should be working more and I’m sorry if I’m wrong about this but how are other areas of the relationship? Could he be wanting to split? I imagine with young dc it’s never going to be easy but do you think this is a possibility?

Did her partner think about how having 4 kids under 5 would affect OP’s mental health? The physical impact of three back-to back pregnancies and births? The impact on OP’s career and earning prospects.

The husband’s complaints do not exist in a vacuum. There is no “luxury” or “easy ride”

I find it disgraceful how women can insult and belittle another women for not sharing the financial burden while her life has been completely changed physically and emotionally during the younger child raising years, in full knowledge that the physical toll of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding cannot be shared by the male partner.

Having 4 under 5 is a choice also children cost, it is not hard to do the money maths v amount of children

Not really imposing any values here, simply offering another perspective.

How does he think you’re going to get a £35k+ job just like that?

Is his company in financial trouble? Perhaps this is why he wants you to bring in more money, but doesn’t want to tell you why.

I'm sorry your oh has not only moved the goal post unexpectedly, he is trying to bully you into submission.

Marriage is a partnership and I suspect he is hiding something big.

I wouldn't give up the part time, school term job on his whimpering. Ask your manager for an increase in hours and wage.

I would not apply for unsuitable jobs, as a single mother. Because he is not acting like a partner. Why is it ok, for him to unilaterally change the goal post? Who made him the boss of your life. Plan for yourself, he is not taking you into account. How can an adult say apply for any random job, suitably is not important. He knows the age of both of your mother's and their capabilities. What he has shown you dose not look good on paper. Ask him to show you wrap around care cost.

Most importantly, I would demand he starts picking up the chores and childcare before you start applying for jobs he thinks is suitable. If you go down this route. It would ease the change in routine for everyone involved. For when you go into full time work. Your oh might disagree with this, but even primary school teachers come into young children homes to help ease/ transition them into school. Only during exceptional circumstances should this be overlooked. The dc mental health matter to, not just adults who can throw a bigger tantrum.

Be vigilant and only apply for job that are suitable for you and your dc. You might need to make drastic life changes soon. If your oh, is saying I might be selling the house. I would not take that as a threat but as a POSSIBILITY. That is not an easy thing to say. But at the same time, this is not the time to make stupid financial decisions. Be smart with all job applications and look at the bigger picture. Would this job, bring more take home pay, if you deduct childcare? If yes, apply for it.

For example, I myself had a part-time school nursery job. I left it for a health care job as a single mother. Because the school was more rigid with timetables than the hospital. The hospital also does late shifts where I have more people available to help out in the afternoon. Mainly mom.
Mornings are harder for autistic ds2. Sometimes, I work equivalent of full-time job hours and others times it is the modified minimal contracted hours. Most importantly, I have worked enough time in lieu for when ds3 finally gets chicken pox. I would be able to stay at home with him, without it affecting my normal pay.

Your volunteer job sounds nice to me and I would not give it up easily. Do your training with them and look to see if they have any vacancies.

What's actually going on with him?
-Is his business struggling and he doesn't want to tell you?
-Is he just now expressing the resentment that has gradually built over the years as you've brought up the children, tried to keep your own career from stagnating etc?
-Is he preparing to leave you once you're working full-time and crack on that he's the main carer or something?
Whatever is behind this, he's treating you appallingly. Be prepared to have your marriage end if he carries on in this vein.

I read this thread and it makes me think back to my own childhood. My dad insisted that my mum gave up working when pregnant with me. They had three kids, mum did everything at home and dad went to work. He positioned himself as the hero, the breadwinner etc. He belittled my mum for not working, not using her brain. Her ‘work’ was never valued. He blamed her for us not having enough money. Eventually he left for a much younger woman who was happy to put him in the centre of her life and run around after him like he was the hero he thought he was. He still doesn’t even make his own coffee, cook etc. He’s retired and his wife still works full time and runs around after him.

Now I’m a parent myself I realise that childcare is the much harder job, plus add on a husband who doesn’t value what you do and financial struggles on top and it’s a perfect storm. I’d only be agreeing to work full time if your DH became equally responsible for pick up/drop off, housework and the running of the family/home. Not just your problem to solve.

I earn more than double what my DH does and j sometimes think that if I were the man, mumsnet would let me get away with doing so much less because I could bandy around terms like ‘main bread winner’ and get a free pass. Instead we share the load. We both work hard, it’s just the money we get paid is different- not the value of what we do or the effort.

@GreenLemonHedgehog are you married?

As others have said, how is his business going? If he is self employed maybe he is worried that the company isn't making a profit. You are actually the only one in a paid position by a company so perhaps his stress is that he is fearful his company will go bust and the family is going to rely on your sole income.

I agree to your long term plan, as I don't see how you would make it work with so many children and managing arrangements. The only other suggestion is if the twins are now at school, would a TA job pay any better than tutoring and seeing if you can get a job in the same school? I am guessing that the tutoring however pays quite well.