OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

It's also the elephant in the room.
Four children is a huge commitment for you both.

Husband is fully burnt out after not only being the main bread winner but caring for you and the many children.
He hasn't been able to be tired, weak and needing support until now.
It's been tough being the strong one.
Everyone can see your struggles, Op. And support you getting through it all. Husband is coming up for breath.

This gets suggested on every single one of the 100+ threads identical to this weekly - what we NEVER get, is the OP actually DOING THIS and then reporting back the outcome on here. Its completely baffling that NOBODY has any data on what the Husband's response is or whether or not this approach ever actually works.

It's the MN Unicorn. 😂

Another abusive arsehole man abuses and behaves like an arsehole.

The fact that you are hyper explaining every single detail of your life when it is clear and obvious you are exceptionally busy and involved shows your massive anxiety. The fact that he is verbally abusive to you is just another reason to do it on your own.

What would your life look like without him? It sounds like all he contributes is money.

If you think about being a single parent, do you feel a sense of relief at him no longer being able to be verbally abusive on a whim, disrespectful and no longer able to easily make your life harder and worse?

Get legal advice for how much child support he would have to pay and how much help you could get from government services/payments as a part time working mother looking after 4 children. Start this process right now.

If you think the marriage is worth saving book relationship counselling sessions for you both urgently.

Any man who thinks your 73 year old mother can do the school run for four children is not going to be swayed by some naff list of household tasks. Being the superior being he believes himself to be, he would no doubt think he could do them in a fraction of the time OP does - that was if he had any intention of helping more if OP went back to work which is doubtful.

Please tell me you have joint ownership of the house if you're not married to this man? Why did he say, 'I'll sell the house now, be mortgage free and I'll go and sign on or you can go earn?' Where did he plan for you, him or the children to live in this mortgage and house-free nirvana? I am very much hoping you are either married or co-own the house. If you are not married and have no interest in the house, he could simply throw you out.

Sorry but you do need to take on board what your husband is asking of you. Your husband is clearly reaching out for a reason. Personally as a mum of 5 girls who similarly to you are all close in age, I also agree that it is tiring for both of you not just one of you. We paid for help and both continued with our caterers but appreciate that isn't the life everyone wants or can afford. Would a nanny be something of benefit, we have always had a nanny who drops off picks up our children, carries out small chores etc, for us that works out most cost effective way to navigate a working day / school day.

Lots have said it but a day doing housework and a day volunteering is a luxury with all of your children at school. Housework would a cleaner be more cost effective? Spend some time thinking about how the things you feel burdened with can be carried out more efficiently. I had 3 months where I had to reduce my work significantly and I noticed things I would have got done during my working day I was slowing down and taking far more time on when I had more time.

Is there a more junior SEND role you can take on in a paid capacity. Honestly volunteering for a long period as lovely as it is isn't sustainable if your husband is feeling burdened or burnt out or whatever it is that's led him to this moment. I wouldn't ignore it I would try to understand and adjust.

"I would give him the responsibility now for all admin related to child 3 and 4 while you do the admin for child 1 and 2"

Lots of people saying stuff like this and is he doing 50% of the housework etc but we don't know how many hours OP's husband works / whether he works weekends or not or how much housework he does at home. Even if she did 5 days 9:00 to 2:30 that's probably still a lot less than he is.

Usually people advise that the amount of free time people have is split equally although with 3 young kids there won't be much.

For all that people say staying at home 4 days a week is still contributing financially it does not keep a roof over your head or food on the table and it sounds like OP's husband is near breaking point.

Your not being unreasonable and your plan sounds good. However I would seriously question how well his business is currently doing for him to suddenly be going crazy.

Treating you and your contributions to the home and children so poorly is very unpleasant and likely unforgivable in my opinion.

He is either a total dick. Or the business is massively failing in some way and his mental health is in a terrible way as he attempts to navigate it. His sense of failure and fear could be his reason for lashing out. However this is a unacceptable approach to such a crisis. You both need to work together if your family is facing financial crisis.

You need to probably begin thinking of what your plan for your future would look like without him in it.

If your partner is not happy for you to work part time then you've got no choice have you?! I think you are having an easy ride if you've got time to volunteer. Volunteering is a luxury , and imo is for people with a lot of time and money and not much else to do. While I appreciate you are planning on using this experience from volunteering to enhance your cv , you need to think about how being the sole breadwinner might affect your partner's mental health. Unfortunately, most people don't have the luxury of waiting for the perfect job or the luxury of volunteering in the hope of getting a better job in the future while someone else bears the financial burden.

@GreenLemonHedgehog hes asking you to take on more because hes struggling with the load of being the breadwinner. It must be a big pressure. Anyone who can afford to do a day volunteering in this climate has a real luxury. You'll regret not doing more when/if things crash and he tells you he told you so. Either do this or make a very good case for how you'd be financially worse off, but in your shoes, id be dropping the volunteering, getting a cleaner and increasing my financial contribution. You'd be screwed if he drops the ball

OP I feel for you. You have explained fully your situation and I think your partner is the one being unfair.

So many people are saying he must be stressed or burnt out. But OP has not given any true evidence of this most posters seem to be assuming this or maybe I am missing something.

OP the way he has spoken sounds bullying to me. Can you ask him if f there are problems at work?

Also I am not sure much of this £2,000 per month will be left if OP is paying out for childcare and cleaners etc. Also where are these fabled jobs everyone seems to be talking about where she can earn loads and still have time for school runs etc. As she pointed out school jobs are not that flexible if you are full time.

4 young kids is a full time job. I am so surprised that so many people think contribution is only in paid labour.

I hope you are okay OP you are not crazy. I really hope your partner calms down and you can talk more rationally about your finances and family life.

A day volunteering...?? Batshit insane.

We have reception age twins and one older one, and are also just coming out of the 6 weeks holidays. OP, you are a bloody hero.

There are a lot of jobs in SEN. Keep upskilling and the work you're looking for will be there. No comment on the husband, there must be a reason you married him, except that once someone has talked to you like that, if you let them get away with it they will always be the person who talked to you like that and got away with it.

I think you should tell him to fuck off and stop having tantrums and going against what you have previously agreed.

Women looking after children are always disadvantaged. Can you work out your finances in more detail to see what income is needed and how to achieve this short and long term.

if he wants to stop being the bread winner fine but it needs a long term plan of how to achieve this for both of you.

You know his personality, is he really likely to take on his share of jobs, look after kids during holidays etc or is he just all talk and really expecting you to do it all.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole who isn’t thinking it all through. Can you get him at a rational moment when he will listen?

This & more of this, then again

what does he do now and how is he going to make is 50%

A therapist who imposes their values on someone. Never learned that one at university myself.

I’d guess he’s like my dh who, while great, seems to think kids would be fine if we both got home at seven o clock in the evening and then collected them from childcare/ wherever he thinks the older kids would go as opposed to my mw job where I can drop them and collect a few times a week, do homework with them etc. It’s not just a man thing, my friend is the higher earner and gives out about her dh wfh so he’s there for the kids, apparently there’s jobs that are in the office that would pay more but it means he wouldn’t get to do collections etc.

She goes quiet when I say how great their set up is and when I suggested they switch and she wfh/ work pt she said basically they both should be ft and the kids can get buses/do homework club etc etc. I think this is an issue that the other person will never ever get unfortunately, personally it surprises me that anyone thinks more money (which would be eaten up by childcare) trumps time with kids

I do think the one day volunteering could maybe change to a paid work day.

Have you sat down with him and made a plan for what days he will do school drop off/pick up, what household tasks he will take on, how you will divide childcare in the school holidays, what days he will cook? If he says to outsource to holiday programs, price them up and ask how you will divide paying for that. See if it sounds workable. You didn't make these kids all on your own, so he has to step up if he wants you to work hours you are currently home caring for them.

Hi OP, your husband sounds unreasonable with his new expectations of you, but I think you need a sit down and try to see where his worries are coming from. Does he simply want more money in the family pot to lighten the burden, or is he struggling to make ends meet each month? If it’s the latter, that will need some movement on your part. Could you tutor for a couple of hours on one of your days off to increase your hours? Could you volunteer for half a day instead of a full day say?

That seems very on-brand for your husband. Just outsource the childcare for four primary age children to two more women, one of whom is in her 70s and neither of whom are in good health. Do you and your husband still have your dads? It never seems to be suggested that the grandads do childcare, only the grandmothers.

I've got three adult children and two primary age grandchildren and I worked as a childminder for a few years when my kids were young. I also had a pretty senior, very stressful job for many years until I retired. I do childcare for my grandchildren. The physical tiredness when looking after small children day after day is relentless. At least at work, I had lunch hours and colleagues to offload to and to to provide mutual support.

gamerchick

Change the conversation.
Ask.him what he's taking on of the shit you do now. It has to be realistic. If he wants you to bring in coin then he needs to take some of the heavy lifting.
Tell him to write it down what he's willing to add to his workload and then you'll have another chat. Until then he can be quiet about it.

This might not work as the other parent generally doesn’t see/ acknowledge the extras the other parent does eg if she says ‘can you take child to swimming’, they’ll say ‘oh we should cull swimming, it’s too much hassle. They’ll say it’s fine just doing washing at weekends etc etc. Nobody ever gets the extra little things the person predominantly with the kids does- ds forgot something from school once, not something that outwardly looked important but I knew it made a difference to his day and he’d be disappointed. Dh couldn’t understand me making the trip to get it to him and said had I been in work he’d just have had to do without it (even though dh was wfh that day and had I been him I’d have driven down on my lunch break)

@GreenLemonHedgehog I was going to ask if 4 children was part of the plan - it looks from your update like 2 was the plan and it’s ended up being 4, is that right? I wonder if this is in part behind your husband’s outburst - maybe he’s been thinking subconsciously that he just has to hold on till they get to school and everything will suddenly feel easier and it’s only just hit home the realities of the ongoing costs involved.

He’a communicated really badly and I can understand why you feel blindsided, but it really does sound like there’s something more going on. I’ve been there as the main breadwinner supporting a spouse with poor MH and the responsibility weighs very heavy. It led me to feeling trapped, as if everything and everyone depended on me. I think it’s worth signalling you want a proper conversation, once the kids have gone to bed, over a bottle of wine, to understand what’s at the root cause of this - maybe get your finances out together and go through them, as well as the costs of childcare and what additional hours you think you could pick up. But it has to be positioned as compromise eg you could get a job 3dpw; which drop-offs or pick-ups will he be able to do to facilitate that? Can he commit to eg doing all the laundry or all the meal planning and prep? Come at it reasonably and logically with him so it’s not such an emotionally charged conversation.

His delivery is obviously not good but having seen my husband go through burnout it is really serious and I would never feel comfortable living off only his salary for that reason, I think it’s a lot of pressure nowadays for one person to finance a family of 6. I’m not saying you don’t work hard or that what you do isn’t valuable, because it is and 4 children is a lot. You haven’t said that your husband does nothing around the house or childcare wise so I won’t assume he doesn’t (me and my husband split everything 50/50 so it is possible for men to do their share of at home tasks…)

it does stand out to me that you work 3 days a week 9-2:30pm, I would consider this very part time to be honest, most jobs are 9-6pm nowadays even if doing part time. 30 hours a week is considered part time. Surely housework can be done between 3pm and 6pm on those days?

I appreciate until now you have had two four year olds to look after on your non working days, but also one of those days is dedicated to volunteering, which as others have said is a luxury. And I also appreciate you are doing it to gain experience for the job you want but to be honest having a job you want is also a bit of a luxury, if my husband was burning out I really would take any job at the best pay I could get and no that doesn’t mean I’m saying you should be doing everything you’re doing now plus working full time, obviously he would also need to pull his weight with household tasks and caring for his kids.

theres clearly a reason he’s done this 180 on you and it sounds like he is very stressed about money, whatever that reason is doesn’t give him the right to speak badly to you of course, but at the same time if I was the breadwinner and my husband worked 16 hours a week, had a day off to do housework and a day off to volunteer I probably would be telling him he needs to work more. How many hours is he working per week? As he has his own business I’m guessing it’s more than 40? It does kind of sound like either his business or his mental health might be in trouble, I would spend less time focussing on the fact he’s being mean and more time trying to get to the bottom of it to be honest, if his business fails or he has a mental breakdown you’ll be forced to find any job that can keep your roof over your head and keep your family fed

I wonder at English people's lack of comprehension of their own language. OP clearly states she has four year old twins who were in a nursery for three days a week. She looked after them two days a weeks and fitted her volunteering around looking after the twins. It is only this week that the said twins have started school along with their two older siblings. So the idea that OP was frittering her time away volunteering while her husband worked himself to death is far from true. It also appears that one of her children has some sort of mental health issue which she describes as upsetting, stressful and not easily solved. In fact, she has been trying to improve her CV by doing volunteer work online while looking after her children.

I think you need to work out how much wrap around care will cost for four children. I don't think it is £400 per month - that would be a £100 per child per month so £25 per week per child so £5 a day per child. I know costs vary from region to region but I think wrap around care could be easily three times that. Say it is in fact £15 a day per child - that adds up to £75 x 4. That adds up to nearly £14,000 a year. You would have to earn more than that though to cover tax because you pay out of net income. Then there is the cost of school holiday care for 4 children which is not cheap. Would working two extra days bring in that much of an increase in your income that it would offset the increased cost of childcare? Out of interest, has he actually asked his mother to take over the school run, dealing with the school avoidant child, 5 days a week?

Does he really think 2 elderly grandmothers are going to cover all the school holidays? £800 a month for wrap around care. Is he going to do his share of drops offs and pick ups from wrap around or will this all fall to you? Will he use all his AL for school holidays cover as 2 elderly ladies can’t realistically look after 4 young DC. It cost me a lot for 2 kids in wrap around and holiday cover. Do some maths and ask him what he will be doing to step up.

Could you work at the weekend? Maybe a Saturday job or evening bar work. I did this when my kids were little and loved the change of pace.