OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

How much is he earning?

Trying to support a family of six on one wage plus some part-time work must be very hard tbh.

It’s a real luxury to have four kids nowadays - I’m not surprised he is stressed.

You acknowledge he's feeling burnt out. What will you do if he loses his job because he can no longer cope? To me it sounds like he's screaming for help from you to ease some pressure, but whilst you recognise he's burnt out, you don't want to do more.

Re chores, it's got me beat why one person is always the chores martyr. I refuse to do 100% of housework. I hate housework and if I have to be miserable then so can everyone living in the house. A weekly swap of set daily chores plus Saturday mornings for a full clean keeps everything ticking along and fairly shared. A week of not having to think about meals and shopping is blissful.

What is your tutoring hourly rate? 15 hours a week tutoring should really be able to bring in minimum £1500 a month? Why not add a few more hours a week? 3 hours more say. It'd get you nearer. In exchange, he'd need to take on a couple of house hold tasks.

Cooking twice a week (and clearing up the kitchen). Or doing bedtimes, so you can fit in a couple of evening hours work (peak tutoring time, evenings).

Being the main breadwinner is incredibly stressful. I think SAHM/PT only works if both people agree to the setup.

Thank you so much for these replies. It's made me feel I'm in the wrong and crazy!

To clarify, I work 3 days, 4th day was looking after my 2 youngest as they were not school age (pushed for CSA start) and I would do housework that day too. They've just now started school, so I can and would pick up another day, 5th day SEND work.

I haven't worked out the total cost but 400 is just for the mornings. Double that 800 and I'm not even sure after deductions its worth it.

It's his mindset that hurts. He said I don't contribute enough financially, I don't appreciate anything, I'm in 'lala land' thinking he's going to carry on while 'we' (kids and I) use up the money - like were a swarm of locusts.

He sets unrealistic goals for me, almost on purpose. Popping at me that I haven't done anything to earn more (it's been summer holidays for 6 weeks! I've been busy with kids and trying to keep sane.) Four weeks ago we agreed the plan was to continue as I am for 1 year then head into something better with progression, better wage and flexibility. This in my mind is a suitable mid term plan.

Because he is stressed himself, I'm the kicking post and now he has switched on me and backtracked, demanding I just go and get 'any job.'

I just don't know how to respond. Anything I say is dismissed or shouted over.

He told me to 'get a proper job and I'll sort the kids and do what you do, I woud love that,' felt belittling. He knows I can't 'just go and earn' the same, if not more than him. He uses our home against me and will say stuff like, 'I'll sell the house now, be mortgage free and I'll go and sign on or you can go earn.' The way it is said is almost putting the duty in its entirety on me. I'm literally doing my best.

You call him OH - are you married?

He's a bully op. You need to leave ASAP.

Sounds like his throwing his toys out the pram.
Maybe he feels trapped, too much responsibility, maybe work is a bit shit atm.
But his behaviour is not fair or reasonable.
And you have a lot of responsibility too and caring for 4DC isn't easy.
I think if one person has been mainly or wholly been responsible for running the house/looking after the kids it will be a massive adjustment for the other partner when they have to step up and not just get themselves ready for work and leave the house but need to get DC ready for school, or have to think twice about travelling on business because they need to pick up DC , or having to phone in work and say they can't come in because one of the kids is sick, or has to use annual leave to take them to an appointment, and spends at least one day of the weekend and some evenings doing housework and grocery shopping and washing and ironing and life admin and of course every day looking after 4 kids and all their needs and activities.
Not to mention doing 50% of all the prep and work for Christmas, family holidays, kids birthdays etc
Of course maybe DP already does all this.....
Perhaps you could get a Saturday or Sunday job and leave him in sole charge of DC.
Could to expand your tutoring to the weekend?
I think he is seriously underestimating your contribution to your family.
So you need to sit down and properly work out how you could jointly facilitate you both working full time, childcare during school holidays etc.
However, if you are not married then you maybe in a vulnerable financal situation so perhaps a more equal split of everything,-both ppaid and unpaid work - might be better for you?
I hope DP calms down soon but don't underplay the contribution you make to your family.

I don't understand why you're having a day off to do volunteering tbh when you have 4 kids and money seems to be a bit of a worry. That seems like a massive luxury that most people could not afford.

Could you drop the volunteering and pick up more paid work?

I don't think it's unreasonable to work part-time hours with 4 kids but the day off for volunteering is very usual.

I imagine she is gaining experience for her original longer term plan.

Its not that I don't want to help, I do. I'm happy to work full time my dilemma is how to make it work with 4 kids? School runs, holidays etc. I'm going to struggle to find anything paying more with this flexibility unless I utilise what skills I do have, I'm just a little short on experience.

I have only been back to work a short time. My OH runs his own company, before I tutored, I helped with this, then we discussed what my longer term plan would be. We both contributed to the discussion.

So what has made him suddenly turn. It's all well and good digging the DH out but you need to look at what's happening behind the scenes. He's been happy with this arrangement for years but suddenly not.

I don’t think it’s realistic to believe that in a year you will be able to walk into the job of your choosing. How do you know there will actually be a vacancy next year? If there are currently a load of vacancies which they struggle to fill, then fine, but if not, then is your plan actually sensible? Because if it isn’t, then your DH’s position becomes more understandable.

one day is spent on washing, housework, errands.

Has he proactively said he will do this housework if you’re working full time? What does he do in the house now? Will he be doing school pick ups if you work full time?

Is this out of character and a symptom of the stress and burn out he feels or is he always like this?

Both are warning signs but with very different solutions.

Has he said what is his plan for school runs and holidays?

Does he help round the house now?
I would worry that he is setting you up to fail which is potentially abusive behaviour, the belittling is certainly abusive.

In what way is this a "half way solution"? When will the housework get done? By whom? What is the OPs DH doing in your scenario for it to be half way?

You could work 'full time' providing it's within school hours, however it's not that simple is it? I'm a tutor and you're lucky you've got so many daytime hours. I work evenings and weekends which can be a nightmare for childcare when my OH is working late.

Your OH isn't really thinking this through, and I imagine he's simply taking the stress of his job/pressure of being the breadwinner out on you. You need to come to some kind of compromise which would take some pressure off him but also work for you and your children.

People say drop the voluntary work but I imagine that's investing in your future role by having it on your CV. Does it need to take all day? Perhaps drop the housework day, pick up some extra hours tutoring if you can and you both come to an agreement to catch up on housework evenings and weekends.

What are your finances like? Are in struggling, in debt? Or managing fine?

Working full time with 4 primary aged children is an absolutely massive ask, especially if he isn’t pulling his weight too.

Just seen your update, he is being an absolute arse.
He is in the wrong not you.
He should respect the contribution you are making.
The grass is always greener, does he ever look after all 4 DC by himself?

I agree with this.

You could easily make this work. Tutor in the evenings and he'll do the housework and childcare like he said. That makes your hours up to full time.

If you were to work 5 mornings per week term time, that would be a compromise that might work. You don't need a day off to do housework if you are home at 2ish. You have every afternoon at home. That's what I do and there is plenty time to do it all plus afternoon activities for kids. It's busy but doable. I agree the volunteering is a bit indulgent, from his perspective. You could park that for a year or two when times are toughest and kids are young. If he is already burned out he wouldn't be able to cope with the massive additional workload for him if you go full time. He needs to understand that, he possibly doesn't realise. He is being horrible now but I think he needs a few days off to unwind and see logic here, he sounds in a bad way.

“Ok, can you write down which chores you will be taking over and when. Also which school drop offs you can do. If we can sort the logistics so it’s fairly evenly split and workable, then of course I can start applying. It’s the logistics I’m worrying about”

I’m sure there is something going on at work for him to change so drastically. Can you persuade him to open up?