OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

How is he neglecting his children when he is paying for them?

Plenty of stay at home mums also claim benefits. So what’s your point?

If they can’t afford the house on their income and can’t improve it, then they should sell it.

What’s the problem with nursery?

I didn’t say she should find a full time job. I said she should increase working to the two days she doesn’t work.

volunteering is a luxury. She isn’t in the position to afford luxuries.

Op hasn't said that they can't afford the mortgage he is threatening her because he doesn't want her at home. She works from home and he doesn't want that. The problem is her being at home while he is out working. He doesn't respect the job she has at the moment.

That's why the op posted because that's what he wants her to do find a full time job. It's not as easy as that. He doesn't want her in the house working from home.

You’re just writing fiction now. You have precisely zero of any of this information.

Are you going to answer any of the questions I am asking about your posts, or just keep saying random, irrelevant stuff?

The latter, I guess.

I mean.. this is not the reality of having 2 parents that work full time…
at least it doesn’t have to be.

You're making this thread about you. Do you have any experience or wisdom to offer rather than having small talk with me?

To be fair you do work incredibly little over the course of a year . I get that he feels all the pressure is on him and you are just making excuses as why you can't help out more.

You have nothing to add or give.

Really? In my experience it’s easier to find full time work than part time work

Tell him that if you do this then school run/pick up and all jobs relating to that (cooking kids dinner/homework etc becomes HIS responsibility

You say that your husband has his own company, is it in trouble OP? Could that be why he's suddenly done an about face? Would he tell you if it were that, or is he the sort of macho man who won't admit the company is in trouble until it's too late? I ask this as there simply has to be some big reason why he's suddenly expecting to change from what was agreed.

Also, I know you said the twins weren't planned as you were on the pill, but did you and your DH sit down and discuss how life with FOUR children would be, before committing to go ahead with the pregnancy?

How, exactly, am I making this thread about me? All you’ve done is bang on about your partner’s business, what an MBA will teach you, how many kids you have, what area your business is in, how much money you managed to make … Christ, I know more about you than the OP (and I didn’t even ask). I’m not the one making this thread about me. I’m asking you questions based on your replies and you are barely answering anything.

Not my daughter's. They are struggling it could be the area I live in. I've even looked at apprenticeships for them there is nothing. The only way out is education and a driver's licence. They need work to pay for lessons.

Definitely. She could take a full time job and they could take an initial hit with wraparound care bills and she’ll likely make that £2k a month, and then see much more career progression and salary improvement over the same period of time as waiting for the volunteer work to pay off – and even that will only be term time.

I’ve added plenty of practical advice. All you’ve talked about it your business and made up fiction about OP’s partner. And your sole piece of advice is the partner should ‘do better in business’, without knowing anything about what he actually does or their outgoings.

I am imparting my experience it could be relevant to the op or it may not. If it's upsetting you don't read my posts the thread is not about you. What is there to answer? If the op asks a question I'll answer it not you.

I can see why partner would feel resentful of partner doing voluntary work when there’s 4 young kids to provide for

Parenting and running a house is NOT a full time job!! You don't clock in at 08.00 and finish at 16.00 it's 24/7 52 weeks a year. Ive done it with 4 children but I was lucky enough to have a husband that shared every duty in the house, including cleaning the toilet.

I didn't claim to know his outgoings or what he does for a living. What I said was he could upskill if the business is struggling. That was my suggestion.

All the extra childcare etc will come at a cost. You need to present it to him in black and white what working full time will cost in financial terms. You also need to show him, in black and white, the household work he will be expected to take on to enable you to work full-time. If he can't talk it through, just write it down and leave it for him. Until he responds with something practical to address these concerns I'd just leave the subject hanging.

Your DH must realise that you doing fewer hours / picking up the slack with DCs means he has been able to focus on his business. I have been the 'breadwinner' for most of my married life but always viewed DHs lower paid but massively flexible job as the thing that allowed me to focus on my work. If he wants to scale back his business and take on on more of the domestic load while you increase your working hours, the conversation needs to be about how that would work.

If you are overall short of money because his business is doing poorly, then the conversation needs to be about how you (collectively) can bring in extra money. Your suggestions of asking for a pay rise or working an extra day during school hours sounds good. If his business is less profitable, could your DH take on some part time work as an employee? Or look after the 4 DCs while you do some tutoring outside school hours? There seems little point in you doing low paid work that isn't going to help your career ambitions only for the extra money you earn to go on childcare.

At our school, that level of wraparound (before and after school) would cost around £140 per day for four children. So £700 minimum per month? I’m curious as to what’s brought this on - whether he has decided in his head/someone has put it to him that you should be stepping up more now all four are in school, whether he has concerns about the durability of his own employment, whether he’s burning out, or what. Is he wanting you to step up to fill a financial gap, because “it’s not fair”, or so he can step back/down?

For what it’s worth, in your position, I think I’d incline towards scheduling a sit down conversation without the children to go over finances. What’s coming in, what’s going out, whether there is a surplus or deficit, and/or whether there is an aspiration gap or anything you need to plan towards such as a new car or perhaps a holiday. Do you have the funds to meet your needs and wants, or not?

What would your position look like if you increased hours in your current role to full time (if an option) or looked for other agency work on the other two days you now have some capacity? (It sounds like the volunteering could be useful professionally?) What expenses would you incur, eg childcare/cost of a commute? Or was he thinking you’d find a remote job where you could work full time and also pick up all the childcare?!

If he isn’t willing to sit down with you and have this conversation, openly, then I’d say it’s not about the money.

I do think a lot of men don’t realise that they cannot expect to have a wife as an equal financial partner while also being a traditional wife who picks up everything to do with the kids and runs the home. They cannot have the financial contribution and the domestic contribution. You’d be surprised how many men (not all men, I know) seem to think this is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

Volunteer work needs to stop. He’s got a point in that