OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

Clearly they should share all the housework and school runs. DH and I always have.

I’d call his bluff. But id mean it. It’s time to have the “talk” op. He wants parity, split. He has his children 50% of the time. As do you. You will find that with 50% of your time childfree and without the logistical worry of them that you can get a “proper job” and “earn”. As to his earning now that he has to consider his own children - it may take a hit. His extreme stress is unlikely to lesson tbh. He’ll probably find it a fuck ton harder. But oh well. He wants parity? Equality? Fairness? As do you! So he takes his half of the parenting. You take your half of the fiscal responsibility. But you can’t pick up the financial slack on your side whilst he fails to pick up the parental slack on his.

So funny how many people think it’s a gotcha moment to ask him what he will do about school pick ups and house work, plenty of parents work full time and manage housework and childcare. The husbands of mumsnet must be absolutely shite if so many women are convinced that because he’s at breaking point being the main earner that must mean he wants OP to work full time and do EVERYTHING. She’s not said that, so are people basing these assumptions on their own husband?

Just to clarify. I'm not having a day off, for housework. I have twins who attended nursery 3 days per week, so I went to work on those days. On the 2 days my twins were not at nursery, I would be looking after them. They started school this week with their slightly older siblings. On one of those 2 non nursery days, I looked after the twins and engaged in some active CPD to try and upskill my knowledge and expertise in a specialist area. I am really not at all trying to be self indulgent. I am trying to be proactive and get chips in place which will benefit us financially long term.

I can certainly pick up more days or hours but I have no affordable childcare or anyone to do school runs. My OH I'm sure would happily do it, but currently I don't earn enough to justify him leaving an important job or project. So I've tried to create a way I can step across into something more financially rewarding. Working in a school I'd be expected to work 8.30 - 3.30 - I can't get there in time.

One of my children have difficulty attending, some days I'm late as he is crying and not wanting to go to school. It's upsetting, stressful and not easily solved.

I genuinely want to help, I know he is burnt out. Communication is part of the issue as he bottles up and explodes, shouting, making demands etc.

I just feel stuck and unsure how to achieve what he is expecting.

Why are you not tutoring five days a week? As others have pointed out, a day volunteering and a day for housework is a massive luxury with four kids and a DH who sends course to burnout.

He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out.

He's being irrational about the ramifications and the childcare is your get a different job, and he's communicating horribly. But work stress like this led to my late husband having a full on breakdown, from which he never recovered enough to work again.

You're being unreasonable to spend two weekdays earning nothing, when your DH is feeling massive financial responsibility and working all the hours god sends.

Aim for a compromise and say that you'll do your present job five days a week until you can apply for the job you want. And for goodness sake put up your rates. You should easily be getting up to that £2k if you tutor f/t at the usual rate.

I just feel stuck and unsure how to achieve what he is expecting.

Can you afford couples counselling? Maybe he needs a third party to ask the questions about what happens to the children. Or to get him to open up to you about what's behind this sudden change of mind.

Honestly, he said 'his mum.' But she won't manage 4 daily AM and PM. He's jabbed at me that I haven't asked my mum... she's 73 and neither are in amazing health.

I'd move to tutoring 5 days a week till school pick-up, plus say 3 evenings a week. If that's not enough, maybe a Saturday morning with DH looking after the children.

Yeah he's a twat.
What's he actually going to do to facilitate you working full time?
Is he going to do the school pick up and drop offs or contribute to paying for the before and afterschool clubs to cover that?
Is he going to take up half the housework or contribute to employing a cleaner?
If he expects you both to be working full time he needs to pull his weight with the children and the house
Don't put up with this bullshit from him.
Either he makes realistic commitments to stepping up or you remain working part time so you can also do the household tasks and childcare.

He’s a bully.

Up your tutoring immediately to 5 days a week or do it on the weekends instead of afternoons. Housework can wait or DH can do some of it. It looks like you planned your life around kids and housework the way you wanted and refuse to change it. Your DH is screaming for help. Kids will be fine. Are you in debt, financial troubles, etc.? Something must be going on if he is frustrated like this. If tutoring pays min £12/h you can earn at least 1500 per month by working 5h/day 5 days a week + 8h on a weekend. After that, in a years time, you can start your FT job as planned and earn your 2500 that will pay for childcare.
Seriously, 2 days off paid work is a luxury and not many people can afford this.

Part time jobs with your hours and term time only are like gold dust. If you leave you will be highly unlikely to find another like it and with 4 kids childcare before and after school and especially in the school holidays would be astronomical.

You would basically be doing the extra hours with little if any financial improvement. I doubt a 73 year old grandmother will be willing or able to have all 4 kids every day, especially in the school holidays and if this fell through you wouldn't have any job at all. You are not a part time worker op. 3 days at paid work plus all home responsibilities with 4 kids is very much a full time job. It's a pity your DH can't see that your current set up is pretty much ideal for the present and you have a plan for the future.
His life and your children's would be impacted quite negatively if you both had to work full time with all that you do being fitted in at nights after work and the inevitable anxiety regarding childcare in the school holidays and who has to stay off when one of the 4 children gets sick. Plenty of people are stuck on this exhausting hamster wheel and would love to get off it for a scenario like this with some work out of the home and more time with the children as well. Don't give up this amazing job which fits around 4 children until you yourself feel ready. 💐

I appreciate your points, so sorry to hear about your DH. I had 4 year old twins at home on those days and did those things, alongside looking after them. It wasn't a jolly up on my own.

I work for a company, not self employed, the rates aren't mine to determine. We had agreed over the six weeks holiday I'd request a meeting and request a wage increase when I go back. He hasn't given me the chance to do this as I'm not back to work til Thursday, and has blown his top instead.

He's handling this all wrong but is there something happening with his business that has worried him about his financial responsibilities? Could you drop your volunteer day and maybe get some evening tutoring work, just to bring in a little more money? Perhaps his and/or your mum could do some before or after school childcare just to enable you to pick up a few more hours. He seems to be ignoring the work involved in looking after 4 DC, even once they're at school.

I'm still really confused about the volunteering. Are you saying that you did the volunteering on the days you were also looking after the twins eg whilst they played? Or is this something you have taken up now that you no longer need to look after the twins?

And were you going to request more days' work from the company or just higher rates?

I think you are getting a hard time OP. If I read this correctly, you've only just moved to this arrangement as you previously had twins on the days off and they only just started school - after having all childcare the entire summer.
Im not buying that he's stressed. Saying things like he'll sell the house and sign on are bullying behaviours.
Are you married to him? If not you may have major issues ahead.

You need someone who is going to make him see sense. You are doing enough as a mother and wife. Contributions depend on how much time we have and how much resources we can attain. The best thing you can do is perhaps try couples counselling with him involved.

I planned my life around my kids and housework the way I wanted and refuse to change it?

Ouch.

I had 4 children in 4 years, including a set of twins and serious PPD. (First 2 planned, twins conceived whilst on the pill if you're wondering.) Anyone with twins or multiples will testify, the early years, are hard. I didn't plan for a multiple pregnancy and I haven't had 2 luxury days off. I was still at home, with 2 four year olds.

I plan to up my hours now they are at school, but it's no where near what he's expecting. I'm not freelance or self employed, during the day it is set time with set student and at the moment there aren't many students. I am looking for other opportunities but I can't find anything that'll tick every single box. I'm trying to explain this to my partner.

I agree with PP’s that something has triggered this. Is his business in trouble?

If you do go back to work FT, I think employing an au pair would be a cost-effective childcare solution.

If we were struggling for money and I insisted on a day off for a housework AND a day for unpaid volunteering my DH would be having a go at me too, and rightfully so. You're living above your means and he's understandably fretting about being the breadwinner. Surely it's pretty easy to pick up extra days for tutoring? Tutors are always in demand here.

Correct, I only worked 3 days because my twins only attended nursery for 3 days. The remaining 2 days they were looked after by me, at home. On one of those 2 'home' days I begun volunteering, whilst they were with me at home. (It's all done online.)

We agreed I'd ask for an increase based on my 3 days but I could offer an extra day in return, and I'd keep one day free for volunteer work which involves specialist training.

I don't mind parking it, its mainly how this situation has flipped which has dissapointed me and the demand to fix his unhappiness immediately.

Sit down with him and make a list of all the house admin and cleaning. Assign him half the tasks and give him an estimate of time for said tasks. Discuss how much of his annual leave allocation will go towards dependants leave when kids are sick and for time off during school holidays. Discuss what days he is responsible for school pickup or drop offs and other extra curricular like sports trainings etc.

After said discussion we would like an update on his feedback 😉

Not sure you have read the later comments where explained my week? I've not 'insisted' on anything?

On the 2 days I did not work, I was looking after our 4yo twins. They have this week started school so I have some extra to utilise. I volunteered from my laptop on one of those days.

I don't actually mind working full time it is more the logistics of 4 kids, school run, holidays, and the mental load of the home and all. We don't have anyone who would be suitable to help, the costs are high for wrap around and he's on me to find a lot more per month, and to fix the childcare. He earns much more than me even if I went full time and has long commute and won't chip in with school runs unless I can earn closer to his wage. Which I can't.

I would give him the responsibility now for all admin related to child 3 and 4 while you do the admin for child 1 and 2.

That includes any emails/paperwork from school, doctors appointments, dental appointments, club bookings, paperwork and getting them there, school holiday care, staying home if they're off sick from school, taking them to and from school, buying their clothes, making their packed lunches, making sure they have clean clothes every day and school uniform is laid out for them the night before, remind him when bath night is too, stripping their beds, washing the bedding and getting it dry, making sure they have all of their PE kit and bags packed every day. Also, get him to do the weekly food shop this weekend and meal prep meals for all 6 of you for next week by batch cooking and freezing. So he'll have to meal plan and see what ingredients you already have in and what ingredients he'll need to buy.

Write a list of EVERYTHING you do for those kids (numbers 3 and 4) as he is now solely responsible for them so that he truly understands what it will mean for him with you also working full time. Hand the list to him. I'll bet there will be at least 100 tasks on there and make a note of which days each task needs to be done.

I bet he'll have the shock of his life when he realises how much work you do on those two days 'off'.

If you want to earn more, you could first increase your days of work tutoring to five.
Could you work for a similar company that charges more - or go out on your own charging directly for the tutoring?

Could you also take on a Lolly-Pop school crossing sign job near your school?

Could you sketch people's pets from a photograph?

Could you make home cooked meals for four or five elderly neighbours?

Mow lawns and prune roses?

Ask kids to help catch up with washing etc on Saturdays.
That will be good in many ways for them.
Shop from thrift shops more.

It's clear that to take on a regular paid job it would have to pay highly for you to be able to pay for after school care - so I would stay with your tutoring as your base job.