OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

This nails it. Women are to take on the enormous, life threatening task of growing a child, bounce back within weeks - never mind the physical reality that this cannot happen, start having sex again within a couple of months, get back to paid work quickly, and parent continuously along with taking on nearly every household and parenting task plus working to earn money too.

Many men want this and they want their contribution to be that they earn money then switch off when they come home, have a hobby that takes up a day on the weekend etc etc etc.

It's threads like this that make the thread on red flags for marriage and motherhood an absolute necessity - won't let me post a link, Am I Being Unreasonable Marriage/Motherhood Warning List

When my 3 kids were all under 10 we struggled financially as we couldn't afford child care and mortgage interest rates had shot up to a high level. The only way we could do it was for me to do weekends and evenings. I did various roles including home help, call centres and shop work. My DH would leave the house at 6am and get in from work at 5pm and I would hand over the kids to him till 10-11pm at night and i worked all weekend too and it equated to a full time job. We were literally passing ships in the night but I knew this was only temporary and as the kids got older I went back to college myself during the day and eventually went on to University.

Those years were bloody tough and requires a strong commitment from both sides, I won't sugar coat it and it did put a strain on us as a couple.. but its doable and we did get through it and are well financially comfortable now. What I would be questioning is why suddenly is there a financial strain? Have you took on any extra finance or is there something like a gambling problem he is stressing about? Any secrets you don't know about...There seems more to it than wanting you to all of a sudden go out to work full time.

Is there anyway to tutor at night? mark exam papers over the summer holidays? Can you take on private clients or teach at a college or university?

Whatever you do he has to meet you 1/2 way he has to either pay for wrap around care (and do chores) or do school pick up (and do chores!!). They are the only short term options if he wants you to go full time. Or you leave.

Whilst I think he is being a total prick - I am the breadwinner at home and I hate it - every minute of it. I can’t give up and do something I really want to do because I am tied to a job that pays the bills. I do resent that. So I do understand his frustration.

OP if you’re still here, the only real advise I can give you is to speak to your other half and have a frank discussion around why you need more money coming in.

you said he’s self employed, how’s the business going? Ask about bad debts etc, order book for the next few months, tax bill due? ignore the moronic comments saying is he taking drugs, gambling problems, new woman etc, some people think life is an telenovela.

Please don’t think from my previous posts I’m supporting your other half, Im in no way excusing the way he’s spoken to you and how you feel but there’s an underlying issue that needs to come front and centre. I’m more trying to bring a balance that most of these posts need. If anyone ever needed a ghost writer for fiction a few people on here could earn a small fortune.

Show him the cost of you working full time. That is childcare costs in term time and the need for holiday care - which is not cheap. Childcare costs are likely to use up any extra money you earn in FT work. You can also point out that since you currently cover all that childcare the cost of that is your contribution. Also suggest he gets a better job.4
Personally, I think I'd start working on dumping him.

Can you and @KatSlayMoon just take your male pissing contest elsewhere?

(KatSlayMoon I recognise you are just responding, but please just stop)

It's frankly tedious to read, and yes you are derailing this thread (I am sure at least one of you, deliberately)

This is abuse.

Are you sure he's not thinking of leaving and been given advice that it would be better for him if you were also working FT?

1. I had already stopped responding when you felt the need to chastise me.
2. Please feel free to report my posts if you feel they are breaking any rules, otherwise this is an open forum.
3. I’m a woman, so was not taking part in any male pissing contest.

I’m mearly replying to utterly stupid comments -not saying this is one- posters on here spin a good fairy tail, no where has the op come out and said she thinks he’s shagging someone else, drink and drug problems, does nothing around the house and has been given advise as it’ll be better for him if she’s working FT and the kicker she should present a bill for her services. Stupid comments that offer zero help to the real issue.

I even posted above giving my sincere advice to her, no speculation, no ‘LTB’ (first comment FFS) just honest advice. Trying to get away from as you say, derailing the actual issue.

ignore the moronic comments saying is he taking drugs, gambling problems, new woman etc, some people think life is an telenovela.

From what the OP has said some problems with the business would be be my first guess too, but sadly these other suggestions are not moronic. They come up here fairly regularly. And it is insulting to say this about the women who have described their own experience to the OP.

We don't know all the facts and these are also possibilities.

If it’s happening on a regular basis, yes.

If this was an out of character one off, then no.

I'd never belittle anyone who has been through such situations, and don't think i have. (Please point them out to me if you're going to accuse me of such, and I'll apologise directly) And if they have and are trying to say this, this is how it started for them, fair enough, but I still stand by my comments.

'We don't know all the facts and these are also possibilities.'

100% agree with this, hence my comments - it's also a possibility that this guy is working 80 hours a week, is utterly burnt out, and he has asked for help and is desperate - but nope, we have comments saying he should be 'ashamed' he's not able to support his family. What a way to speak about someone without any actual facts. Rather insulting, I'd say.

How much is he bringing in every month? Is he one of those self-employed husbands who 'work' endless hours to avoid childcare and home life but actually earn very little?

The op hasn't returned. They may have made up now. You know what I am going to guess he was having a bad day and wanted a good ol' rant at her. The op has made no suggestions of his business failing and she would know. She probably would have said something by now. I don't think he meant it he probably wanted to have a dig at her. It could have been relevant and the only way you get answers is by talking about your own experiences or asking questions. She might have forgotten all about this thread and gone back to her tutoring job. Didn't she say she was getting a pay rise today?

I am noticing some posters on here like a debate for entertainment purposes. It's okay to ask questions or talk about yourself. It sparks conversation and it can open people up. On this forum no chance people are to quick to judge.

No it's not. I was on £26500 not long ago, take home approx £1850 pm. Couple of quid above nlw.

I think the ideal is to work part time in a high paying role. But that takes time to train for, or gain experience. This is why I prioritised my career over having children. I always wanted that security.

We’ve been told women can have it all, but we have been missold a dream. It’s a lie, we can’t have it all.