OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

istead of putting him down and arguing with him have you tried asking him what is going on is there redundancy concerns mental health concerns health concerns he cant talk about maybe a conversation with out critism and put downs etc is needed here

Does your contract with your current employer prevent you from tutoring privately outside of that? If not I'd start advertising your services locally, it sounds like you are getting substantially less money than you would if you were self employed. Now you've been doing it a while you should have a reputation, previous clients to provide references etc. I'd try to pick up another day through private tutoring, then if all goes well you could think about moving entirely self employed until you make your planned move into the local authority role.

Does your contract with your current employer prevent you from tutoring privately outside of that? If not I'd start advertising your services locally, it sounds like you are getting substantially less money than you would if you were self employed. Now you've been doing it a while you should have a reputation, previous clients to provide references etc. I'd try to pick up another day through private tutoring, then if all goes well you could think about moving entirely self employed until you make your planned move into the local authority role.

@GreenLemonHedgehog you’ve got a sound plan, this is about whatever’s going on with your dh. Nothing you could do quickly is going to come without disadvantaging the children.

if he’s saying he’s in a mh crisis, facing redundancy etc then maybe you do need a new plan but yes, he’s being unrealistic to expect you suddenly have an amazing career.

you need to ask him what’s going on with him. I had similar when my dh was depressed - the small kids years were hard, the economy’s bad and a lot of people are feeling the pressure.

I still feel like I don't have all the facts to understand who is being reasonable.

You say you take on students for tutoring 3 days a week from 9-2:30pm, but you've also said there aren't that many. Are you contently working during the day or is is more like you have 2-3 tutoring sessions and lots of gaps in between?

And you said he wants you to bring in 2k a month but you're nowhere near that, but you haven't said what you earn. Are you on half of that or is it more like £500?

Is it the case that you're working a few days a week but only actually for say 3 hours per day and bringing in say £50/day on those days whilst having lots of breaks between sessions and still planning to keep a day off per week for volunteering?

I kind of think on my understanding that you might both be being a bit unreasonable. He should expect that one parent will need to be doing the childcare and will have a reduced earning potential, but I think keeping a day off for volunteering seems like utter madness in the circumstances. I don't know anyone who has a day off paid work for volunteering.

Yeah I don’t think this is only about the facts, there’s no unfair division of labour here, no obviously much better plan. If you get any job then you’ll struggle to progress and you’re trying to set yourself up for some time with the 4 kids and a good job.

but your dh is clearly in an angry sad pit.

Whats his plan for contributing his time to half of all the school runs, school meetings and events, half the sick days, half the life admin, half the housework, half the errand running, half the school holidays?

I know plenty of mums who volunteered before getting jobs at schools - if it was official training no one would complain. You can’t walk into a career track job after 8 years out without retraining

He is a dick. And you should absolutely write down everything you do and see if he even has the slightest awareness of it. My friend did this with her husband in a similar situation and it shut him right up.

BUT you could be earning more from the tutoring.

Find your own clients, advertise on social media, get your school mum friends to tell their friends etc and do hours where your husband is home. Weekends and after school.

Once he needs to look after 4 kids at bedtime or get them up at weekends he will change his tune.

Its a tough one and I can see from both sides. He is obviously very frustrated and to be honest, I can understand where he is coming from

On one hand, yes you could work more hours, on the other, you have 4 children to sort out around school.

The volunteering is giving you skills you need, but for a job that might not even have a vacancy in a years time (or 2 or 3....).

A FT minimum wage job pays just over £20k, so if you went and got any job you'd be bringing that amount in.

Could you not start tutoring as self-employed, increase your hours or use another agency?

The only thing I can suggest is to see whether working 3 full days would be more of a financial benefit, even when paying for wraparound care.

I think there is a compromise here. Can you talk to your husband rationally about this? If not that is the big issue here! It sounds like going from 2 to 4 children has put a lot of pressure on you both.
Financially have a look at if you could up your hours to do more tutoring even with another company. Have a look for funding for any sort of SEN type positions. There are lots of jobs in schools that might suit you.
I do think you need to change the mindset you need a day for cleaning and a day for volunteering. They are not realistic by sounds of it with your finances and husband is clearly drowning under pressure. But no you shouldn’t have to take any job.

Now the twins are in school you DO need to work more hours. I'm a bit confused about why you're already spending time volunteering but let's park that

Find out how many more tutoring hours you can be offered and if you can get a wage increase

Find out how much childcare Mum and MIL can offer

Also find our how much wrap around care costs are in your area

Take this information to DH and see what he feels

im guessing that the business isn't doing as well as it was and he's stressed and trying to find other ways to increase the household income

Does he think you just sit around watching daytime tv all day while he swans around having meetings? He’s totally unreasonable. It’s not like you’re not even willing to work full time. He can’t expect you in mega bucks right away. That doesn’t always equate now hard someone works anyway. A health care worker on min wage works much harder than someone well paid in an office for example.

He sounds stressed but he shouldn't take it out on you.

I think you'd both benefit from some relationship counselling. His expectations are very unrealistic and I think he has a poor understanding of how much you are doing.

It sounds like he is feeling the pressure of being the breadwinner to a large family but the reality is that you aren't in a position to devote as much time to work/earn as much as him because you're taking on the childcare and have a big employment gap.

You both have very different pressures on your shoulders at the moment and it might help to have counselling to understand each other better.

I think your plan to return to work is sensible and balances your current childcare demands with a need to get back into work in the near future. You're doing interviews and volunteering to prepare for it so that when the time comes you will be quick into a "better" job.

To be fair that’s something both of them
should have considered.

He might have to make some moves too and not have a job with such a long commute if he wants you to work more.

He won't help with childcare? Then you can't do anything that starts before the kids are all in school, or after unless he contributes his share to paying for someone to care for them. Why is it all on you? His earning more doesn't make a bit of difference when it's the time that's the issue at allowing you to work more.

And how are you able to establish which answers are from English people? What special skills you have to be able to establish where everyone was born!

Exactly - they both discussed and agreed her being part time, so to move the goal posts after she has already made choices that have meant 4 young children and three back-to-back pregnancies , after she’s already done the hard 8 years of babies and toddlers, is despicable.

Funny how he didn’t pressure her to go full time while the twins were at home, but he does it the day they start school. I’m sure it’s nothing to do with the fact he knows it is in fact hard to look after four babies and toddlers…even if he won’t acknowledge it to OP.

He sounds incredibly stressed us there debt you don't know about? His plan is totally unrealistic as you'll need to pay for childcare, holiday clubs , cleaners etc. will he spend his weekends doing the washing?. I do think one day a week volunteering is a bit much if he's struggling. I know you feel this is giving you opportunities but it's a lot o if he's up against it and I can see why he might resent it. I have no idea how or why that GIF is there!!!!!!!!!!!

Either his own job is at risk or he's planning on leaving you. This didn't just come from nowhere. If his job was at risk he might have discussed this with you but his sudden demand for you to work full time, not considering the cost of childcare and thinking your mums could look after 4 children, it's fishy.

Are you married to him or is he a partner? Maybe get some legal advice about where you'd stand financially if you split.

Some posters just seem to be looking at this very black and white “she has 2 days not doing anything each week and he’s stressed and burnt out” etc but she’s doing all the school runs which is hard work as well as looking after all the kids in the holidays etc.

The reality is that he has suddenly thought “hold on she is getting a better deal here and has it easy” and is now resentful and taking it out on her. Is it right that he suddenly feels like this and is now demanding she goes full time and not even doing it a nice calm way?

I bet he’s horrible to live with at the moment too but let’s just worry about his mental health and not hers who has changed her career to suit their family and is now suddenly being treated horribly because he thinks she has it easy when she doesn’t.

Honestly some of the posts on here are awful - please don’t listen to them.

Has he said he can help with kids/housework or is he expecting you to up your hours and work term time and do everything with help from parents which doesn’t sound like it’s possible anyway ? He will have a shock at childcare costs for 4 kids over 6 weeks.

It sounds like he has suddenly thought you have an easy life and he doesn’t but in reality you don’t and probably just get on with it and don’t moan etc even when it is hard.

You work 3 days so have 4 spare days in a week. Could you increase the same work pattern to 5 days. I think you need to drop the volunteer day for now. It is a huge burden being the main breadwinner so must grate seeing you use a day you could be earning to volunteer. You could maybe do some private tutoring. I think you do need to work more hours not necessarily full time though.

OP, would working 5 days/week 9 - 2:30 be more feasible?

I agree with everyone, he might be experiencing burnout and feeling the weight of being the main earner. That doesn’t mean he gets to be shitty to you, but maybe you both need to sit down and go over what each one can do.

I have someone in my family going through a similar issue and we still don’t know what has him in such a panic/mood, I honestly believe it’s MH related. Maybe your OH needs some counselling too to get to the bottom of this switch in attitude (or maybe he’s just a resentful dickhead and has been biding his time to finally turn on you).

She's not a sahm she works and has an income.
He should have thought all this before choosing to have four children.

OP sounds like she's doing well to me.
DH sounds like a bullying nob.

Your name is apt. I said sahm/part timer