OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

Sorry you keep talking about what you did in your past. No one really cares because its irrelevant. That was when the children were not at school. Your DH is making the point now that you need to contribute and it sounds like the ramblings of a pretty desperate man. If it isnt then i apologise but if you want to take some advice from here, stop talking about what you DID and start discussing wht you can do to help the situation.

1. Drop the volunteering. Its harsh and unfair but your own family come first. You cannot afford to be volunteering.

2. Do more tutoring. Go to 5 days per week. Look at advertising on Facebook etc and get some of your own income. There are hundreds of requests every day for tutors. Start earning some more money. A minimum full time wage is all your DH is asking for you to contribute.

3. Discuss the counter arguments for increasing your workload. Home care, child care, transport, before school & after school care. Discuss it together, do the sums and decide if its actually worth the £ for £ of working the hours.

Basically you need to work as a team. At the moment you are living in the past and it sounds like a resentment is building both ways about it. Maybe its a short term issue. Maybe he has stress at work and his income might be at risk. Maybe he just wants you to start working again. I dont know but if he loses his job or you split up it wont make things better.

And you still don’t see the light hearted reply, I could have taken offence in your reply, (yet) didn’t , you’re still in that pissing contest, I’ll make it easier for you.

All men are bastards and only want to control women and I’m one of them. You can sleep easy, you win.

or dump our children with anyone.

Where did you 'dump' your children when your were working for the business you had with your partner? Wrap around childcare for working parents is not 'dumping' your children.

She has her part time job and she is available for her children.

And two days where she is not working, thus being able to increasing her income by 40% at least.

Absolutely typical responses. Do you all have the same script?

Dump his ass or tell him to get a better job to take care of his family

Your OH needs a wake up call if he thinks you have the easy side! He is the one talking Boll*s as you put it. My God he's got an angel in you and he's still not satisfied. You need to swap roles for a month and then perhaps he would appreciate you as he should. (IMO he wouldn't last a week) If he works early and long hours when does he spend time with his children? Or does he think they look after themselves. Don't change your plans, he can suck a lemon. You are doing right by your children, and being responsible, tell him to to go jump! And don't let him make you feel guilty.

I’m not that into the manual, can I get back to you?

OP, i am a little confused by your posts. Mainly with your plans surrounding work and what your DH will/won't do.

I am not excusing his approach AT ALL, but purely based on your posts, your mindset around work may also be a factor here..

Volunteering- Skills are transferrable, but it comes across that you are now doing this for the sole purpose of a specific job which may not have a vacancy in a years time.

Asking for a raise with current agency- fine to ask but what if they say no.

Being out of work for 8 years- I understand this is all more recent, but you are now employed by an agency so you are working so no longer 'out of work'.

Earning more/flexible working- term time jobs/hours can be difficult to come by.

I can certainly pick up more days or hours but I have no affordable childcare or anyone to do school runs. My OH I'm sure would happily do it, but currently I don't earn enough to justify him leaving an important job or project.

Yet in another post you state that he will not do school runs until you earn more money. So is it more money, or does he mean working more hours which brings in more money?

4 children is expensive, but you both need to figure out how you can work more hours, either 3/4 full days, 5 short days, weekends... Theres no guarantee of a job that fits with school hours/term time, he needs to understand that he does the school runs as well, or pays for wraparound care, and in the meantime you cant hold out for a job that will offer the exact flexibility/salary you want.

If thats the case, give him a list of household chores he needs to go halves on including dropping off and picking up. You'll be at work so he needs to understand you're not sitting at home with your feet up. The unpaid job of parenting and running a home are full time jobs. He needs to help out.

This, with bells on.

Unless there's someone else in the picture that he's spending money on.

Tell him he can see how much easier it is when he has to do 100% of his own household chores and look after 4 kids solo. Because my ex husband tried that shit with me and I repeatedly pointed out that my partner time work made everything else possible. For me to go full time would have cost almost exactly what I would earn (civil service job). So I'd be working more, to pay for childcare....

We separated and suddenly all of his weekend was childcare on his own whilst trying to run his life. Meanwhile I get every other weekend to relax now. So yeah, all your "housework" is worth nothing to him at the moment.......

Get chatgpt to run you a compatarive analysis of how much you'll need to earn in a full time job to cover for all the expenses that will cause you not being around to pick up kids, clean the house, cook, etc. That should be an eye opener.
Stupid man!
Why don't they see that SAHMs are a financial drag? (which you are not, anyway, you ALSO have a part time job.!!)

Show him what ft working really looks like.
No food cooked or in house. No cleaning or tidying.
House an absolute shit pit.
Kids neglected and miserable and hungry and bored and possibly missing.
You not available to collect dc when school calls. He has to leave work and do it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Arsehole

Show him what ft working really looks like.
No food cooked or in house. No cleaning or tidying.
House an absolute shit pit.
Kids neglected and miserable and hungry and bored and possibly missing.
You not available to collect dc when school calls. He has to leave work and do it. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Arsehole.

I smell a rat. Theory: He wants to leave. He needs you to earn more so CM is less harsh on him.

I think you’re doing amazing! I’m frazzled just looking after two 😂

Oops, typo, meant to say AREN'T A FINANCIAL DRAG, of course

I don't understand why you're having a day off to do volunteering tbh when you have 4 kids and money seems to be a bit of a worry. That seems like a massive luxury that most people could not afford.

I agree with this.

I feel for him. It's very stressful being the main bread winner and with four kids to feed and keep a roof over their heads, that's a lot of pressure. There may be things going on in his industry/company that are making him nervous.

C'mon now, plenty of parents work full time, do their share and this is not the case.

I agree. Also did you discuss any of this before or whilst having children? If money isn’t an issue, then I would agree he’s being bullying and controlling. However if there is financial or work insecurities, then perhaps change is needed

Sounds petty

Op has a job that fits around her children. He threatened to sell the house and stay at home and live on benefits. What a charmer you are defending. If he doesn't want more children he should get the snip and not look at ways of neglecting his children.

You're picking on a woman who's children were previously in nursery for 3 days a week. She wants to look after her children. It's not as simple as go and find a full time job. My daughter's have no children and they find it hard all they've found is part time work.

Interesting theory.