OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

Well, those questions need answering rather than stabbing in the dark at assumptions and then building an opinion on those assumptions.

I don't see from what you've written specifically indicates jealousy at OP being 'cleverer' - that's a very specific accusation.

She doesn't have two sets of twins, to clarify.

Op did say on her post on page 3 that he's burnt out. It's not an assumption.

Of course that doesn't excuse his behaviour but it might go some way to explaining it

OP has also said that he would 'happily' do the school pick ups etc but she doesn't want him to step away from big projects to do this so has bent herself around doing the school runs.

I agree he is being an absolute arse in how he speaks to her but what he is asking isn't unreasonable AND it seems like he would step up to make this happen

He has no reasoning skills. If he was a good salesman he would earn a lot more. He is lacking in communication skills, reasoning and sales. What level is he and is he a learned person. Whats the point in him working for himself if he isn't going to develop himself. The op is better at planning and organising herself where as he isn't. It's not easy finding a job after a long break to raise toddlers. Well done to her finding something that fits around her children.

@GreenLemonHedgehog I think here you have by accident had 4 children in quick succession and it would burn anyone out. I suspect both of you have been getting through to the point they are at school as some kind of mantra that it will get easier at that point and in some ways it does but it others it doesn’t.
Clearly it gives more options but what CANT happen is you and you alone are responsible for fixing this and somehow solving his unhappiness. It is sometimes difficult to get into the mindset that for the most part life is just living, it is just getting through the day to day grind with moments of happiness - what needs to be figured out I think is what those moments are.

For you I get the impression it is your day volunteering and specialist training it is that which gives you that joy - what are his what is his thing that can give him that and balance it out amongst everything

and look at finances etc and work all of that are. But say to him very clearly this is looked at together as a partnership you are not wholly responsible for everything and you cannot be responsible for his happiness

Thanks for confirming. She still has 4 children in primary school to consider.

And yet the supposedly thick as mince husband is the one paying for everything.

Fair enough, I missed that post. He’s still abusive though. Can’t ever imagine treating my DH like that and I’ve been very close to burn-out as the main earner.

I think as often happens people have picked the OP up wrong. She did not get two days off to do housework and to volunteer! Those two days off were looking after pre-school twins The twins have only just started school this week!

OP and her husband had agreed a plan for when the twins started school. DH had now gone back on what they agreed and is moving the goalposts. If he was unhappy with the plan he should said so have at the time.

All the posts defending this abusive bully are so depressing.

You can never fully switch the sexes I think. What ever the situation you have to factor in one of more of - societal expectations, relative strength and size, biology re giving birth, feeding etc So much more I haven’t thought of.

I hate it when posters do a switched sex or gender neutral post - sometimes it makes not difference to who is U but it still means we’re missing vital context.

He’s not “paying for everything” - she is bringing in money, just not as much as he wants.

Personally I don’t necessarily think he’s “thick as mince” just blinkered to a lot of what goes in to family life - whether he’s chosen to be blinkered or just blissfully unaware due to male privilege probably doesn’t matter than much!

How has he been abusive?

People throw this term around a lot - it’s a serious allegation.

Very true. However it would still help us better understand how she can deal with her DH.

But that's what holiday clubs are for. And yes, you will spend a lot of money on childcare for 4 children (though I recognise in this case that twins were unexpected). But it's temporary until they get to the point at which it's no longer needed, and then you have a career and income, rather than starting from scratch.

If the OH is generally a good sort and out of character then the OP absolutely needs a conversation about what the future breakdown of work looks like, because no matter what might have been agreed originally when the younger children started school, it doesn't appear to be working and they need to figure out why.

I suggest you read all of the OP's posts before you rush to judgment.

and won't chip in with school runs

The option of "not chipping in" is not optional if he wants you to work full time. He will also need to 'chip in' with housework, admin, all night wakings etc

I think he is unhappy and realising that life is for the most part especially now in 2025 a grind - everything is expensive, jobs are being squeezed, politics and government is a shitshow on all fronts and he has hyper focused on the OP solving this for him and somehow her working will do this

but it won’t

If he was fine with your current set up and future council job plan before, what has changed?

Has your mortgage rate suddenly gone up? Has his job been put at risk? Has he built up some debts you don’t know about??

I think you need to find out why he suddenly feels so stressed and angry when he wasn’t a few months ago.

Also agree that you’re unlikely to be able to outearn the wraparound childcare costs for 4 kids. Although you could look to up the tutoring hours on your 2 non working days. (He’d have to help cover housework admin etc which you do on one of those).

You don't have any of this information. You don't know what his job is, how many hours he works or what he earns – so largely that's all irrelevant until you know that information.

He has no experience of OP's routine. OP has no experience of his.

The op is better at planning and organising herself where as he isn't.

How do you know how well he organises himself?

Whats the point in him working for himself if he isn't going to develop himself.

How do you know to what point he has 'developed' himself?

You forgot that he's also being described as abusive.

He needs to develop himself. My partner has worked in the game for 10 years he is a sponge and loves education. If he isn't earning enough then he needs to look at reskilling. What's the point in him working for himself.

He's not in charge of you, so cannot bully you into this. You both agreed on your plan of getting back into full time work term time next year, so continue with your plan. It's not his place to change this agreement nor to bully you into taking "any job".

I appreciate he's highly stressed. Is his business not doing well right now, has something happened? Or is it just the burnout alone? (not downplaying that btw)

Regardless on the reason behind this explosion, he has no right to bully you and treat you this way. His dismissive attitude on your valuable contribution to the household is disgusting.

Out of interest, who owns the house? I see you're not married, is it in joint names? Do you have any life insurance policies? If one of you died, would the other get life insurance and be able to raise the children? I just worry when I see women with children unmarried when they have a bully of a partner, as you do not have the same financial protection as you would if you were married.

How often does he explode like this? Does he always bully you when he explodes? Can he ever be reasoned with when he's calm? Hope you're ok @GreenLemonHedgehog

The op wouldn't be on here if everything was hunky dory. Maybe he should get a full time job if he's not cut out for business. Rather than bully his wife into full time work.

I didn't say she would be?

I said you don't know what he does, what he earns or how many hours he works – so any assumptions on that are irrelevant until you have that information.

Stop being defensive and look at what's happening.

Something's wrong. Is there debt, potential redundancy? Is he approaching burnout? Is there something you don't know about? Is he ok?

This is supposed to be side by side, not a confrontation.

Now write out every single thing you do to parent that he doesn't do - because he's out working. Every single task, how long it takes, planning, carrying out. Are they all non-negotiable essentials?

Could any of them be discarded? EG Stop doing the volunteering. Fix your own oxygen mask before trying to help others.

Be absolutely clear that if you reduce your hours spent doing these family things, he will have to increase his to compensate.

If you do land a great well paid role, perhaps some of the family money could then be redirected to paid help. Don't assume you can't.

Keep the conversation civilised, businesslike, practical. About the realistic changes in attitude and approach you could both make.