OH wants me to leave PT job to work FT....

[GreenLemonHedgehog]

My OH wants me to leave my part time job, it doesn't pay that well although it's term time. I do 3 days pw tutoring. Start at 9 and finish at 2.30. This gives me enough time to collect the kids/school run morning and afternoon. We have 4 children, they are at primary school.

My 2 days off; one day is spent on washing, housework, errands. The other day is spent volunteering for a SEND organisation. I advise parents on the phone, help with the EHCP process and other things. I plan to move into a local authority role in a year's time, which has scope for progression as kids get older, better salary and flexible/home working with liklihood of term time working. (I had an interview recently for this very job, it went really well but they needed a little more experience and asked me to keep in touch.)

OH and I agreed this was a good plan and both happy with it. Now he's exploding,
telling me to leave my job and just get a better paid job anywhere else, doing anything. He feels weighed down as the breadwinner and wants more from me financially. He's told me he expects me to bring in 2k pm to lift the burden. I'm no where near that. I have an 8y gap in employment due to children and had a rough time with my MH during that time. I've just started dipping back in and now feel completely responsible for his satisfaction with life and money.

I've explained I'm trying to help as much as I can, and my wage goes into the pot. I've explained we need to think about school runs, him wanting me to just go and find anything else will mean unlikehood of term time working, or hours not compatible with school, who will care for the children? 4 is a lot. The school run wrap around care but it is expensive, £400 pm for 4 children.

I want to contribute more but I'm struggling with his expectations, which I feel are quite demanding and unrealistic. It's caused a huge argument and he is now passively aggressively sending me jobs to apply for.

He says I'm not doing enough to contribute financially, I feel like he only sees money as worth and can't see anything else. He works very hard, long hours/early mornings, I know he is feeling burnt out. We've gone through finances and cut backs.

I feel like I'm juggling a lot already. I get the feeling he resents me, feeling I have the 'easy ride,' which I don't feel is fair at all.

When I try to explain my feelings or respond to his views, I'm dismissed and 'talking boll***s.'

AIBU???

I don’t think you have the finances to allow you to do a day per week of volunteering. That will have to be replaced with paid work at a minimum. Could you look into some evening work? But of course that means DH will have to be home and in charge of the children.

Look into what it will cost for school holiday care for 4 children, because I expect that will very quickly make your full time hours pay increase disappear, on top of wraparound care.

He does sound as though he’s mentally struggling. But also isn’t being practical about his expectations. If you work full time, on top of the extortionate childcare fees you’ll be looking at for 4 children, he’ll have to do 50% of all housework, life admin, taking time off to look after children when they’re sick, school runs (depending on both your hours). Is he prepared to do all of that?

But as a very minimum, you should give up the day of volunteering for paid work.

The question is how ambitious is he.

Exactly – you don't know. Don't assume. Get information, THEN give relevant advice, especially when you're going to state it as fact.

There is nothing more the op can reasonably do.

She can work the other two days per week that she doesn't currently work.

Its relevant because it's not her it's him he needs to sort it.

Why is it him that 'needs' to sort it? They need to sort it together. The burden is on both to find a solution that works for both.

elderly ill parents.

They don't have 'elderly ill parents', She remarked one was 73 and 'not in the best health'. I am not saying to use as childcare, but don't add it to the list of burdens as though it is one – because again, you don't know.

@Tiswa , there must be some very old stereotypes going around because in my friend group, I can only think of a handful of women who outearn their partners, but zero of the others expect their partners to match their wage or expect them to be a skivvy.

I'm sure it happens, but there's been no context about her partner, and the very first response was to leave him. I'm not excusing the way he speaks, but we're only getting a quarter of the story. For all we know, they're just a month away from missing rent/mortgage payments, and his partner is doing voluntary work and he's asked for help - which gives a slightly different spin on things.

Exactly – you don't know. Don't assume. Get information, THEN give relevant advice, especially when you're going to state it as fact.

He has no ambition. He ain't worth nothing.

She can work the other two days per week that she doesn't currently work.

One of those days she volunteers and she will eventually get a term time job working for whom ever it is. She did say she was getting a pay increase for her current job. She isn't doing nothing.

Why is it him that 'needs' to sort it? They need to sort it together. The burden is on both to find a solution that works for both.

He has more opportunities than the op someone has to look after their young children. The op is working part time and looking after the children. He needs to up his game.

They don't have 'elderly ill parents', She remarked one was 73 and 'not in the best health'. I am not saying to use as childcare, but don't add it to the list of burdens as though it is one – because again, you don't know.

The op knows she can't rely on them because of their age and health. Where as he wants to says a lot about him and his character.

It was a reply to someone saying the OP should present a bill for all the things she does. It was a comprassion as to just how ridiculous that argument was. espically not knowing what he actually does.

I'd be happy to add my wifes labour to the conversation, absurd as that is, I could say' I'd leave her and have an au pair.

You're putting a monetary value on raising kids, which, if I were being a complete dick, you could argue is £12.21 per hour - regardless of role.

It sounds there is some serious problem with the business that he has not shared with you that is triggering this sudden 180 from him. You need to get to the bottom of that.

If the business is on the verge of failing and him going bankrupt then you need to know and yes it would explain his fears and stress. And if that is what’s going on, then whether you are working 3 days or 4, or 5, is the tip of the iceberg really.

It’s sadly also not at all uncommon for men who are the main breadwinner to not ask for help at all, hide the fact they have lost their job, business has failed etc until they are literally at the point of breaking - and too often it proves fatal. The statistics bear witness to this risk.

Doesn’t excuse how he is approaching it at all - but people in mental distress are rarely considerate or patient or reasonable. He has supported you through your own mental ill-health - it sounds like he now needs that support for himself also.

So I would focus on that first - it is important to understand the why - why now - as it will likely impact on all of you and could have serious implications, financially and personally. He doesn’t get to keep stuff like this from you - he needs to be honest.

In which case they need to talk and he needs to be honest about whether his business is in trouble etc and not just give her an unrealistic goal of 2k a month which frankly it is we’re achievable whilst looking after 4 children we all would look at

he cannot just pass this onto her

What I'm seeing is that your partner is trying to cope by vaguely saying he "feels weighed down by being the breadwinner" and then making specific demands on you - "he expects me to bring in 2k pm" - instead of coping properly by telling you what the real problem is - "I am having to work too many hours" or "I find the uncertainty of my job too stressful" or "my company is about to go bust" or "I can't cope with the demands of 4 young children and a challenging job". It all gets very tied up in not wanting to admit there is a problem at work, fear of failure and fear of admitting weakness. Easier to blame you and the children.

One question you could ask him is - is this an emergency? And if so what kind of emergency is it?

You could put your career plans on hold and let the house go to pot while you take whatever fulltime job is going if this is a real emergency - whether that's a mental health crisis or a cashflow crisis in his company.

And is it a short-term or long-term emergency? Your mother might be able to pick up childcare for a couple of weeks in a crisis while you sort yourselves out but it's not realistic to expect a 73 year old to care for four infant-school children five days a week in the longer term.

Framing it in a more neutral non-personal way "an emergency" or "a long term problem that we need to solve" might make it easier for him to tell you what's going on and for both of you to find a way forward.

He has no ambition. He ain't worth nothing.

Once again. You don't know this.

One of those days she volunteers and she will eventually get a term time job working for whom ever it is. She did say she was getting a pay increase for her current job. She isn't doing nothing.

I didn't say she was 'doing nothing', and the term time job with the LA she is hoping for is speculative – she got rejected from an interview and they said she could try again in the future. Nothing guaranteed or even firm.

He has more opportunities than the op someone has to look after their young children. The op is working part time and looking after the children. He needs to up his game.

They BOTH have opportunities. The OP has two days where she is not working.

The op knows she can't rely on them because of their age and health. Where as he wants to says a lot about him and his character.

He can have his own opinion on the health and ability of his mother too.

The op did say he earns more than her, and if she was to work and he stayed at home then she wouldn't earn as much as him. I think she should continue to volunteer and build her experience and hopefully that will lead to the job she wants. Hopefully, he was having a rough day and thought he would take it out on the op.

That was me. In response to the OP’s husband clearly feeling that she is not bringing enough “value” to the family. So many men seem to only respond to pounds and pence so I think it would be a very worthwhile endeavour for every single woman to keep a tally of exactly how much “value” she brings to her family day in and day out. That might wake up a couple of these misogynists.

But yeah, I’m sure your wife’s labour pales in comparison to the couple of hours you spent clearing some drains that one time.

He has no ambition he ain’t worth nothing?

Jesus, this is misandry at best!

People very quickly forget that this is OP’s children’s father we are talking about. How disrespectful to disregard all that he’s bringing to the table as well as OP. They’re both of equal value here. He has contributed massively financially, as well as helping OP produce children!

For all we know, they're just a month away from missing rent/mortgage payments, and his partner is doing voluntary work and he's asked for help - which gives a slightly different spin on things.

Exactly this. If money is even the slightest concern, it's time for unpaid voluntary work to go.

And again, pissing contest - I've openly said she does more than I, but again, I could be a dick and say I earn 8x more than her.

It means nothing as we are a team, sometimes (most times) she does more around the house, sometimes (most times) I earn more than her. But that's not to say I don't place any value on what she brings. It would be very dull if we were exactly the same.

Well clearly something has to change because this is not currently a happy household. However the issue I take with the whole thing isn't with the possibilities and practicalities of what they do about it, it's the fact that according to the OP her husband will not engage in a sensible conversation about it. He is dismissive and unrealistic. Nothing gets sorted out when one person behaves like that, regardless of which person is wrong or right. Yep, quite probably he's sruggling, burned out or whatever, but neither he nor she can fix it until he starts to actually engage with the problem instead of just throwing demands at her to fix things.

@GreenLemonHedgehog is he usually this obtuse and difficult?

Well you have already said it, does that make you a dick then? This is exactly my point. The calculating is happening whether you’re using it as ammunition or not. In your case maybe you’re not (yet). In the OP’s case her husband definitely is.

Nothing changes the fact that they have young children to look after. Someone has to make a sacrifice. It's very controlling to suggest she should give up her volunteering job when it could lead to a job. They asked her to reapply so they may be looking for someone with more experience and she's only just returned to work. That's why she wanted a year. He can have whatever opinion he has about his mother he needs to look after his own children.

My partner is very ambitious and he would never abuse me or dump our children with anyone. He has his moments like we all do hes a good man. The ops partner is controlling her and setting unrealistic goals. She has already said he earns more than her what can she do. He needs to take responsibility and get to work. She has her part time job and she is available for her children.

Yes, it does, but being 100% honest with you, I don't make 80% of the financial decisions on our household budget, nor do I (yet) resent that, mainly because of that team mentality we have going on.

because he is not valuing what OP does - he thinks she's sitting at home with her feet up because he does not see the mess because she does the housework, he doesnt miss meals because she cooks them, he doesnt have to think about collecting the children from school because she does that ..... etc

Helping OP produce children? This is just getting stupid, I don't think men deserve a pat on the back for having sex, it is nothing compared to women creating and birthing twins for christ sake.

See? It’s all about the finances and control isn’t it? It always comes down to those two things for the majority of men. It’s foul.

You know what does change the fact considering that they have young children? That they could be a couple of months away from not making their mortgage payments, and that'd not any time for working only 3 days a week. To volunteer is a luxury, and it's one that don't have – especially when there's no firm offer at the end of it. The family's financial wellbeing comes first, not flighty half-jobs.

How on earth is she going to find anything for 2k a month for 2 days extra work before taking into account he won’t help with childcare

he is living in cloud cuckoo land and has come up with an impossible to achieve solution

because if it was the market would be saturated with tutors!

even full time teaching (which I am assuming is her job) wouldn’t give that kind of uplift!